Lately I just feel so far behind. It's been keeping me restless for a while and the longer I'm unemployed, the more I can't just ignore it. I'm 24 now and yet thought I had it together so much more at 23 and even more together at 22... I made decisions then that I thought were the right ones, the last thing I thought was that I'd end up more behind than were I was when I made those decisions.. Haha.. decisions made on faith and a passion for God's kingdom.
Maybe I wasn't ready.. I mean, I thought I was.. but now I just feel like I got lost, distracted, and even went through a period of depression that did SO much damage relationship-wise.. Which ultimately got me.. here. Behind. I feel like I should have more of my life together by now.. I haven't been in college for a couple of years, the last place I should be is unemployed and living with my parents. I feel like I should be somewhat successful by now yet I've never felt more of the opposite.
I feel so absolutely stuck.. this past week (or two) has been hard. I'm struggling with jealousy - feeling replaced. At the same time, it makes sense to utilize people that have more of a church background and know more about church/religion/God than I do.. which leads me back to 'maybe I wasn't ready.' But feeling replaced is so bringing me to a halt, causing me to not even want to try... especially since I feel like I'd just be trying to impress people.. It's a vicious cycle - when I do try (and the more I try), I'm just even more... stuck.
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Maybe writing will help..
I know this situation I'm in is only temporary, but that doesn't mean it's not still hard. I keep telling myself the Lord will come through.. But I'm still struggling. Of course all this would go on when my older brother and younger sister both graduate from college in the same week.. Ugh, I want nothing more than to be happy for them and be proud of them because I am.. But the pressure coming from others about my own schooling didn't help. Add the stress of not having income along with no job...
I'm not willing to sacrifice my character, my values, or the well-being of our church to draw an income. But I can't / won't blog about it in detail... as much as I want to get it all out.. It's not even about defending myself or my side. I could care less. Plus my defense is rarely seems to be taken into consideration anyway so why even bother? Really all I want to do in this situation now is pray that eyes be opened. It sucks that one man can be such a good liar that he uses his 'skill' to put a wedge in the church between two people.. or try to, at least. I hope I'm doing the right thing by saying so little... Why does every little thing have to turn into such a big deal? I don't want to know what was said against me as lies.. What would it help?
Instead here I am again. I'm so tired of people ONLY sharing crap-lies about me to people I look to for guidance.. at least that's what it seems like only gets shared.. maybe there is good stuff, too, but the good stuff never seems to make it's way back around. Instead I end up feeling isolated because people can't just talk to me themselves. Why not?!
FYI: If you want to know the truth, just ask me. If I'm directly involved in the situation (any) I'll give it to you. You really should know that about me by now, guys.
[End of rant.]
So here I am. Struggling. I've been praying, looking to God for help... lol, all I can think of now is maybe finally let go and cry. I'm scared. I don't know exactly what God's plan is. I'm already so miserable having nothing to do every day. I long for interaction with people! And yet today when I had the chance, I was so discouraged from it all that all I wanted to do was go home, curl up in the fetal position, and cry... Crying doesn't solve anything but I feel better afterwords, usually, and it's free so.. it fits in the budget for now.
Lord? ...can we just go to Africa and skip this part? If anyone sees my encouragement laying around somewhere, please be kind enough to return it to me.
Thanks!
I'm not willing to sacrifice my character, my values, or the well-being of our church to draw an income. But I can't / won't blog about it in detail... as much as I want to get it all out.. It's not even about defending myself or my side. I could care less. Plus my defense is rarely seems to be taken into consideration anyway so why even bother? Really all I want to do in this situation now is pray that eyes be opened. It sucks that one man can be such a good liar that he uses his 'skill' to put a wedge in the church between two people.. or try to, at least. I hope I'm doing the right thing by saying so little... Why does every little thing have to turn into such a big deal? I don't want to know what was said against me as lies.. What would it help?
Instead here I am again. I'm so tired of people ONLY sharing crap-lies about me to people I look to for guidance.. at least that's what it seems like only gets shared.. maybe there is good stuff, too, but the good stuff never seems to make it's way back around. Instead I end up feeling isolated because people can't just talk to me themselves. Why not?!
FYI: If you want to know the truth, just ask me. If I'm directly involved in the situation (any) I'll give it to you. You really should know that about me by now, guys.
[End of rant.]
So here I am. Struggling. I've been praying, looking to God for help... lol, all I can think of now is maybe finally let go and cry. I'm scared. I don't know exactly what God's plan is. I'm already so miserable having nothing to do every day. I long for interaction with people! And yet today when I had the chance, I was so discouraged from it all that all I wanted to do was go home, curl up in the fetal position, and cry... Crying doesn't solve anything but I feel better afterwords, usually, and it's free so.. it fits in the budget for now.
Lord? ...can we just go to Africa and skip this part? If anyone sees my encouragement laying around somewhere, please be kind enough to return it to me.
Thanks!
there is a lesson in everything
Same book, same purpose.. different chapter. Tomorrow I'm moving from the grandparents' house back home to mom and Wayne's. While it's a great relief and a blessing to be able to move back home, my heart feels heavy..
before I go off on a tangent, here's what the blog was started for:
Lessons learned so far (on a tired brain)...
1. I want the people in my life to know without a doubt that they are loved because they are God's beloved.
2. I want the people in my life to not only feel their worth but know how valuable they are.
3. I need to stop talking more often and listen.
4. I can't fix or control or reverse the aging process.
5. My heart breaks easier than I ever thought imaginable.
6. If I feel like I'm in control, I should prepare for a crash landing - check my heart, check my pride, am I in control?
(to be continued)
My heart feels heavy... Not because of the hurtful things my grandfather said to me, not because Seth and I are both moving to different places.. mostly because more and more I'm seeing signs of just how much my grandparents are aging. I've never experienced someone growing old and in a way, I feel like a child going to the Father - not understanding much at all about what's happening but broken-hearted from the fact that it's happening to begin with. Today it all sank in a little more that their minds are aging, he doesn't remember things that he says and doesn't have a clue.. She can have entire conversations with me and not remember she even saw me.. For months I've been walking on eggshells without a way to defend myself other than not let the things they say get to me (which is hard). I'm only realizing now just how much it affected me.
ugh, so tired.. so much to blog but I need sleep more than i need to blog.
before I go off on a tangent, here's what the blog was started for:
Lessons learned so far (on a tired brain)...
1. I want the people in my life to know without a doubt that they are loved because they are God's beloved.
2. I want the people in my life to not only feel their worth but know how valuable they are.
3. I need to stop talking more often and listen.
4. I can't fix or control or reverse the aging process.
5. My heart breaks easier than I ever thought imaginable.
6. If I feel like I'm in control, I should prepare for a crash landing - check my heart, check my pride, am I in control?
(to be continued)
My heart feels heavy... Not because of the hurtful things my grandfather said to me, not because Seth and I are both moving to different places.. mostly because more and more I'm seeing signs of just how much my grandparents are aging. I've never experienced someone growing old and in a way, I feel like a child going to the Father - not understanding much at all about what's happening but broken-hearted from the fact that it's happening to begin with. Today it all sank in a little more that their minds are aging, he doesn't remember things that he says and doesn't have a clue.. She can have entire conversations with me and not remember she even saw me.. For months I've been walking on eggshells without a way to defend myself other than not let the things they say get to me (which is hard). I'm only realizing now just how much it affected me.
ugh, so tired.. so much to blog but I need sleep more than i need to blog.
Posted by
Pattie Rupert
at
12:53 AM
Labels:
cry,
family,
God,
growth,
humble,
long weekend,
reflection,
struggle
Learn as You Go
I've noticed lately, as I've been reflecting on myself and how I react when communicating with others, well.. I've noticed a lot of things really. Like how easily conditioned I am (this really bothers me).. it generally only takes a couple times of getting the same results from something for me to always expect those results. Ugh!!
I've also noticed that I do some of the exact things to people that when they do it to me, I feel terribly discouraged. (Like not taking a moment to hear someone out.. instantly coming back with what I want to say, what I want to have on the table.. why do I do that?)
Part of my personality and the way I communicate is that I'm always expecting a lesson or to learn something from everything. Its just how my brain works. Very rarely do I think that people are simply talking rather than sharing information or something I need to learn from..
I've also noticed that I'm used to people giving up on me and therefore I'm used to things not working out and never going anywhere.. so I keep finding myself @ a point still expecting things to not work out and God keeps showing me that they are working out.. and I keep finding myself at a point where I don't understand the fact that Paul (especially, he puts up w/ me daily) hasn't given up on me.. not that I want him to give up, its just what I'm used to.. I can't help but think of Jesus and how He never quits.
The living situation makes reconditioning my mind more difficult.. I'm struggling lately with the transition each day.. at home I walk on eggshells around my grandfather to keep from fighting with him, we dont talk about anything meaningful, and I'm not allowed to voice my opinion... when I'm not at home / I'm at work, Paul wants me to communicate, voice my opinions, share my ideas, discuss things, be open, honest... and I'm struggling with even wanting to be vulnerable.
Its wearing on me more lately, I'm staying tired, emotionally on edge, and stuck somewhere in the middle of both worlds.. its really like servant vs royalty (home vs work).
I know God has a plan for all of this and that He really does make all things work together for my good.. I'm going on faith that He will get me to that point .. I've just gotta hold on and learn as I go.. I'm just saying if it could be sooner rather than later, that would be awesome.
I've also noticed that I do some of the exact things to people that when they do it to me, I feel terribly discouraged. (Like not taking a moment to hear someone out.. instantly coming back with what I want to say, what I want to have on the table.. why do I do that?)
Part of my personality and the way I communicate is that I'm always expecting a lesson or to learn something from everything. Its just how my brain works. Very rarely do I think that people are simply talking rather than sharing information or something I need to learn from..
I've also noticed that I'm used to people giving up on me and therefore I'm used to things not working out and never going anywhere.. so I keep finding myself @ a point still expecting things to not work out and God keeps showing me that they are working out.. and I keep finding myself at a point where I don't understand the fact that Paul (especially, he puts up w/ me daily) hasn't given up on me.. not that I want him to give up, its just what I'm used to.. I can't help but think of Jesus and how He never quits.
The living situation makes reconditioning my mind more difficult.. I'm struggling lately with the transition each day.. at home I walk on eggshells around my grandfather to keep from fighting with him, we dont talk about anything meaningful, and I'm not allowed to voice my opinion... when I'm not at home / I'm at work, Paul wants me to communicate, voice my opinions, share my ideas, discuss things, be open, honest... and I'm struggling with even wanting to be vulnerable.
Its wearing on me more lately, I'm staying tired, emotionally on edge, and stuck somewhere in the middle of both worlds.. its really like servant vs royalty (home vs work).
I know God has a plan for all of this and that He really does make all things work together for my good.. I'm going on faith that He will get me to that point .. I've just gotta hold on and learn as I go.. I'm just saying if it could be sooner rather than later, that would be awesome.
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