Falling in love all over again

A couple weeks ago, I began praying to God... Nagging really... Praying that He would help me lead well.

So I immediately began seeking Him with all my heart. Diving deep into His word. I couldn't get enough! Reading a chapter in Colossians every days to prepare for Girls Thursday bible study wasn't cutting it. Key word searching and reading verses wasn't cutting it. Reading my favorite scriptures wasn't cutting it...

Tonight, after reading His word for nearly two hours at home, after Girls Study, I've noticed a change... I realized not only am I craving His word, but I'm craving His presence, craving simply to spend time with my Lord. To talk to Him. To give ample room to listen and be still before Him. And especially rejoicing to the point of blogging when I realized I was talking to Him out-loud today at work, on the drive home, and while planning activities for campus during my dinner.

Talking to Him out-loud might sound strange to some... But its what I did when I first met Him and was first walking with Him, crazy in love with Him.. I'm tearing up with joy writing this. I feel my soul lifting. Praise You, Lord Jesus. You are more worthy than all the love I could ever possibly give You but I know You still receive it.

exactly where He wants me to be

Today was definitely one for the books (...or the blog!).

Since Saturday, I've been stuck with a migraine that I absolutely could not shake.  I had tried everything and was ready to give up and go to the doctor for the procedure I would have to go through if it did not stop.  Everyone had been praying for me and I had been making the most of my week that I could through the pain.  This morning... It wasn't hurting anymore!  Thank you, Lord.

So I was at the office today, working on paperwork and preparing for my presentations tomorrow at a high school, and hanging out with Sabrina - I love when I'm able to have company in the office while I work.  After lunch, I got an email from one of my Student Mentors.  Her mom had been in ICU all week and she hadn't been able to complete her assignments for the week.  I quickly responded, letting her know that she was more than welcome to have an extension until our next meeting, that I would be praying for her and her mom, and if there was anything I could do to help for her to let me know.  I prayed and then was thankful that the Mentor had contacted me when she was in a bind - this is something I highly stressed to the team at our meeting last Friday.

Almost immediately after our e-mails, another one of my Student Mentors called me on my cell.  As usual, I answered excitedly (I love when the mentors contact me! My team rocks!)  ....on the other end, he did not sound excited at all.  My heart sank as he asked if he could be pulled from the team... I couldn't even really respond so I told him I was listening, tell me what's going on.  He explained to me that he remembered from the meeting how much I stressed to them to let me know when things aren't going so good and how his wife had left him... how he didn't think he would have the time to devote to the team now... he sounded so down...

Ephesians 5:1-2 says "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."  And John 13:34 says "A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

So again, I say that I love my mentor team.  My response flooded naturally from me. (Let's call the mentor "Joe" to make the next part easier to communicate to you.)

NO.  No, Joe, I can't let you do that.  I know I told you all at the meeting that if things became overwhelming for you that I would pull you from the team but this is different.. You've just lost something more valuable than I can imagine, I can't let you leave the team right now.  What I WILL do is waive all participation requirements for you, Joe, and I want you to come anytime you CAN participate with us and I will send you any and every update through e-mail that I can... Joe, this is exactly what the mentor team is for - being the family you need to help you make it through when things get hard.  I just can't let you give up.

He was quiet for a moment and then began to thank me a few times, he was blown away by how much I wanted him to stay on the team through this hurricane that's going through his life.. and grateful. 

"One more thing... You've just done so much for me but.. I really need a job now.  Do you know anyone that's hiring?"  I told him to send me a resume (whip one together), I would fix it over the Mardi Gras break, and help him do searching until we found him something..  By the end of the conversation, Joe sounded like he had more hope than when I first answered the phone call.

I got off the phone after holding it together on the phone, cupped my face in my hands, and turned around to Sabrina to explain what happened ....and I cried.  Gosh, I want to again just sharing again his story.  Lord, I praise you for my job.. I praise you for "Joe" and I crossing paths.. I praise you for the phone call and being able to love with no strings or regrets just.. love.. help.. show compassion.. Lord, thank you.

So then a while later, Logan (another student - not a mentor) came in and the three of us got to talking, sharing God's truth with Sabrina about some of the things she is struggling with.. Man, the conversation got super real for a while and I praise you for using me through that today as well, Lord. 

Then Sabrina mentioned praying for a new job.. "You should apply places," I said.  "Places that are closed on Sunday like.. darrells, hobby lobby, pappys.. Hey! Stellar Beans is closed on Sundays!"  So Sabrina used my phone to call Stellar.  They weren't hiring but the lady from GiGi's was there and she needed someone to start work this coming Monday!  We raced from Sowela to Stellar to meet with the lady... Sabrina got the job!!!!!

All in all... God is so good.  Like.. Perfectly good.  I am absolutely honored, humbled, in adoration of our Lord, the Father... Jesus.  Oh man.. A super tough, emotional, and beautifully breath-taking day to be walking with the Lord.

I live for this.

pressure & praise

I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately. Not just from one person but from a few. And definitely feeling like I'm being pulled in a million different directions. It's not that I don't want to help... it's that I feel like it's expected of me. Like I'm obligated to a lot of the things I've been doing lately.

Thankfully, most of the things I'm talking about are things I want to be involved in, help with, and carry the name of Christ into... At the same time, I need rest - I know I do. Rest as in time for just me and God... Time to help me.  Man, I could so use insurance right about now... just to go to the doctor and get affirmative peace of mind. I'm sure it's just from stress.

New topic:  My little sister is such a blessing to me.  Just hearing her telling an old friend about how I've changed, let God into my life, let Him heal me and how I'm living for Him... all I can do is praise God for her.. and cry, lol. oi..

praise!

I've just gotta post this real quick as a praise to God...

I SLEPT LAST NIGHT!!! It was amazing. I slept for 6 solid hours and then another 3.. I would've slept even longer but the dog I was watching for someone last night really needed to go outside.. and I was starting to feel like a bum. ha!

But the extra 3 hours goes to having a great boss (thank you, Paul!) and being spoiled. Not that I've been sleeping hardly at all for the past week but really.. how many people can say that they have a boss that encourages them to sleep in??

I've also gotta praise God for my step-dad - God is building people right now and it's such a beautiful work He's doing. Wayne has re-discovered the JOY of having a relationship with Christ and wants to embrace that, I know he can do it! Wayne has been opening up to me (and apparently my brother now, too!) lately and it takes every ounce of my energy not to scream like the Saints just won the superbowl ;D Wayne has had a life full of the people he loved the most either passing away (wife/melissa's mother, his own mother, never knew his father, most of his children don't come around...) and he has lead a life full of sorrow, emptiness, lonliness, anger, guilt.. and now Wayne is seeing that the whole time, God was there loving him!

And me.. I feel God's grace building me up to carry out a mission for Him and I am so excited. I'm starting to see more purpose for things I've encountered.. Such as living life as a lesbian, and Him taking that away and being plopped into hetero-world. I'm happier but until recently, I didn't examine why I was happier... I'm happier because it's not something I have to deal with the world on so much anymore - God made my life easier. What I'm trying to say is I know that I'm happier (1) because it was my impossible for God and (2) the world hates gays.. therefore the world hated me.. and if I'm not gay, I'm not automatically hated by the world.

Once I realized that that was my #2 reason for being happy... That broke my heart.

I've gotta do something. I may never end up settling the war but I have to try. How can I just sit back and do nothing in the position that God has placed me? I don't think for one second that God would change me JUST so that I could have an easier life. NO! God knows I'm used to hard stuff and that I'm bored without it... And that when everything is going smooth, that's when I take time to break myself down personally to examine myself... lol, which usually starts because I feel like I'm missing something if everything is going smoothly and I must be distracted from God... (yes, this is the mentality I have from almost always being in hard stuff. But so far it really has helped me to grow myself spiritually and then take on the next hard thing)

All in all... It's been an amazing weekend. I can't wait to see what God has planned while I seek His face.