burning my ship

Tonight at group, we read chapter 10 of Search and Rescue. Paul had us write out what the author said to do at the end of the chapter... Either a resignation letter to something we were leaving behind or an epitaph for what we wanted to be remembered for.. as soon as I started writing the letter, it was completely different than I had expected it to be.

At the beginning of group, Paul asked who wanted to start. So I nominated Paul. He is a great story teller and the author starts with stories in each chapter of this book. "I don't like starting," flew out of my mouth next. Paul's response was that he does definitely like starting things... We all chuckled a moment and he started..

I sat there thinking about how true this was for me.. I really do not like starting things. Even when I paint. Every single time I procrastinate and stress out. But once I start, I feel right at home... Until I royally screw up. Once that happens, I tend to not want to even talk about continuing, fixing it, that I ever started it... And this pains me. Physically pains me. I don't like going in the office at Lake Street because I completely screwed up my wall mural that was so beautiful. Here it is an entire year later and I haven't touched it since that day. For a while, I would get angry anytime I went in there. Now I look at it and either tense up, get a pain in my stomach, or stand in the doorway... I plan to finish it, but I'm so overwhelmed by it..

The mural isn't the only one, its just the most visible one that I have to look at so often.

But I HATE leaving things incomplete.. unfinished.. it brings me physical, mental, and emotional pain. I know this must be something God wired in to me.. so why can't I simply embrace this part of me? The longing to finish things that have been started, and finish them well. Why am I so afraid to try again? Why do I let doubts and the fear of failure cripple me? Why do I beat myself up about this part of me? I know how to encourage myself, but often its as if I don't believe myself after I've messed up.

...but I have to finish the mural. Man, thats the room where Paul likes to meet and give me projects.. and I sit there beating myself up over how I can't finish things so why start new projects he wants me to work on?

Lord, help heal this brokenness in me. Give me the courage to finish things I've screwed up on, to fix them and be joyful in the accomplishment. Lord, I know this might feel like a terrible growing pain but I'm so tired of treading here in the water.. help me to STOP giving up when things go south. Lord, I need your strength, grace, mercy, and healing to badly in this area.. I want to lead well and make You smile with how I lead.. I know this means I have to ditch this fear that cripples me immediately. Help me overcome myself, Lord.

What makes a woman great?

It struck me today at group how the men far out number the women in our church.. especially for those of us in our 20s.. the other women in our church are married and their husbands are present on Sunday's as well..

Knowing that the young women who do find our church look to me for spiritual guidance, I feel that maybe I've been failing the women who have come our way. I'm not exactly feminine by any means, but I am involved and a leader.. its just part of how I tick, how God made me (leading, that is).. so I've found myself asking a question over and over lately...

What makes a woman great? What does it look like for a woman to be Godly? How is it different than when a man looks Godly? I don't want to take the back seat and just be a great speaker and/or writer, I want to really be involved in service and leading but I don't know what it looks like for a woman to do that..

This is something I've honestly been dreading growing in because so far, my 25 years of life have lead me not to trust women, to be frustrated with their general lack of courage and involvement, and especially despise the way women work against one another... The past 25 years have lead me to want to have absolutely nothing to do with women.. and now it drains my energy to do things that only involve women (aside from the one or two I'm closest to).

I know this is a brokenness in my God wants to repair.. and maybe for women in our church to grow I need to let Him work in me already..

But I don't even have a clue what most women here like to do.. I like to go fishing, camping, ride 4-wheelers.. but I do love to paint and make crafts I guess..

Lord, help me to learn and grow. I want to lead like You in a way that lasts and is meaningful, Lord. If I'm the one you have for these young women, Lord, I seriously need Your guidance, Your help, Your healing, and a godly woman to lead me in this would so seriously help beyond imagination.

Lord, I know You wouldn't keep reminding me of this burden if it weren't for a reason.