ADD Addiction

With everything going on, including being sick with different things for almost a week, running out of my ADD medicine was not something I was looking forward to.. at the same time, I knew it was going to happen.

I prepared myself for it the best i knew how and even tried telling myself that i hadn't actually run out.. but my body wasn't listening. Day one and i already had a raging migraine that was on the path of putting me in all system shut down mode. I have no clue how many excedrine i went thru yesterday but it still wasn't enough. My body hurt everywhere, like millions of little needles injecting poison that was making it harder to move muscles.

I've gone through the withdrawals before so I at least knew what to expect. I knew that my muscles weren't actually shutting down but it's still hard to function through the pain that my body tells me I'm experiencing .. so i just kept telling myself that there wasn't actually anything hurting me.

The last time I went without meds, the withdrawals just continued getting worse - for the entire two weeks I was waiting for the moment when it would get easier, the withdrawals would ease off only... that didn't happen. The thing about it is I knew that it wasn't actually going to kill me.. it just felt like it should.

So here i was again, i thought, and praying for most of the day since i SO was in tune with the fact that i needed God for every single step, every single sensory, every single moment. I was trying to come to terms with the fact that i just was going to have to get through this, praying that somehow i would still be able to function and keep my job.. that those close to me would be understanding.. but mostly that God would help.

And then i was sponsored. My meds were paid for. And i am so absolutely humbled and grateful. And addicted. I've known this for a while and i just avoid it. God, I'm do weak.. but thankful that He made a way and used the people that love me to prolong the inevitable.

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Baptism videos part 3

Ryan Nugent's baptism

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Baptism videos part 2

Katie Breazeale's baptism

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Baptism Videos!

Kori Rae's baptism

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Staring at the Stars

Two years has really flown by, I'm like checking my pockets to see where it went..
Sunday was the 2nd anniversary of Tod's death. I didn't expect it to hit me this hard at all.. especially not half way through the week. I've filled my days as much as I possibly can only to realize I'm only prolonging facing what's really going on. And causing others to worry and stumble spiritually.. and then get frustrated with them.
I felt stupid for even being this upset about a death that was two years ago.. until tonight at the park. I was so worn out that I just wanted to go home. Instead, Ryan & I went and laid in the grass and stared up at the stars. We talked for a few minutes and then I realized that I was doing EXACTLY what I did two years ago (before I knew God). I was laying down outside, staring up at the stars fighting back the pain of losing someone I loved so much.. and I realized that I'd never let myself grieve or show any emotion for it. Did Tod even know God? Where is Tod? I can't make an exception (mentally) simply because I love him.. so out there in the grass I just... cried. I spent an amazing 5 minutes with God as I just cried.. I felt His comfort wash over me. Not like an 'everything is ok' comfort.. but His love for my breaking heart.. I so love God for that, I'm so thankful that I can pour my heart out to Him and feel His love through all of my trouble and worries.

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No Room for Avoidance

A couple days ago, the subject of counseling came into conversation.. namely me going to counseling. The thought of it makes me want to run and hide. I know it will be good for me, healing and help me grow as a leader, but I'm honestly terrified. I know it wont be anything like what I went through in high school, but.. I'm scared.

I made up my mind that counseling probably is what I need when my initial reaction/thought was "it's not worth the money"... i quickly realized that the It i was talking about was me.. i was telling myself i wasn't worth counseling. W. O. W. Thats a problem.

Problem - I don't want to have to deal with this...
Truth - I'm dealing with it everyday.

Problem - everything I've got in me is screaming at me to run! Especially from the one that wants me to go to counseling & knows it will help..
Truth - I don't have any room for avoidance anymore. I don't have a choice. And honestly, who would let me go into hiding?

I feel like I'm in the middle of an intersection right now.. I know which way I need to go but I can't get my car in gear to go yet..

Some days, like today when I'm really having to convince myself to go through this, I feel like I'm only going in reverse.. back to stuff I thought I'd already gotten thru like.. This whole thing just really sucks. Why me? Why did it have to happen to me? I don't want to even have this problem to begin with.. I didn't ask for this, i certainly didn't want it.. and i feel like I'm just burdening everyone by having to deal with it at all.. Why did i keep it a secret for so many years? And that's when i realize all over again that I'm blaming myself and ashamed.. when i shouldn't be. And yes it sucks that this happened but i can't change the fact that it happened & I'm not in heaven yet either (tho that would be so much easier)... i know that God will use this for good, and that I'm not the only one that this has happened to..
I'm just scared.. what is it like to not have the issues of abuse weighing on you? I realized today that I have no clue what that freedom feels like.. and also realized that it breaks my heart to know that I'm terrified to get there. It doesn't even make sense! Why would anyone be terrified of freedom?!

So I got my hair cut and curled today to make myself feel better & temporarily distract myself. It worked for a little while...

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Learn as You Go

I've noticed lately, as I've been reflecting on myself and how I react when communicating with others, well.. I've noticed a lot of things really. Like how easily conditioned I am (this really bothers me).. it generally only takes a couple times of getting the same results from something for me to always expect those results. Ugh!!
I've also noticed that I do some of the exact things to people that when they do it to me, I feel terribly discouraged. (Like not taking a moment to hear someone out.. instantly coming back with what I want to say, what I want to have on the table.. why do I do that?)
Part of my personality and the way I communicate is that I'm always expecting a lesson or to learn something from everything. Its just how my brain works. Very rarely do I think that people are simply talking rather than sharing information or something I need to learn from..
I've also noticed that I'm used to people giving up on me and therefore I'm used to things not working out and never going anywhere.. so I keep finding myself @ a point still expecting things to not work out and God keeps showing me that they are working out.. and I keep finding myself at a point where I don't understand the fact that Paul (especially, he puts up w/ me daily) hasn't given up on me.. not that I want him to give up, its just what I'm used to.. I can't help but think of Jesus and how He never quits.
The living situation makes reconditioning my mind more difficult.. I'm struggling lately with the transition each day.. at home I walk on eggshells around my grandfather to keep from fighting with him, we dont talk about anything meaningful, and I'm not allowed to voice my opinion... when I'm not at home / I'm at work, Paul wants me to communicate, voice my opinions, share my ideas, discuss things, be open, honest... and I'm struggling with even wanting to be vulnerable.
Its wearing on me more lately, I'm staying tired, emotionally on edge, and stuck somewhere in the middle of both worlds.. its really like servant vs royalty (home vs work).

I know God has a plan for all of this and that He really does make all things work together for my good.. I'm going on faith that He will get me to that point .. I've just gotta hold on and learn as I go.. I'm just saying if it could be sooner rather than later, that would be awesome.

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Tension.

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my cousin's spiritual birth. It's so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that an entire year has already passed. So much has changed in this one year..

A year ago, I was learning how to crawl as a Christian... Now on a team starting a new church.

A year ago, I was flat b.r.o.k.e. and living in the upstairs half of a house of someone I didn't really know other than a few key factors that made it not a good situation (with TONS of fleas)... Now I'm in my grandparents' house in obedience to God.

I wouldn't change where God is taking my life for the world... but at the same time I've never felt so distant from God since following Jesus. I remember being so constantly in love with God.. KNOWING and trusting that together, He and I could do anything..

He warned me it would be hard. That there would/will be death.. Why is it that the more He reveals His faithfulness to me, the more I seem to be setting my anchor down? Or worse, running in reverse.. Romans 7, right? Because I don't want to go in reverse, I want to be madly in love with God again.. I want to love more like Jesus loves. Again.

Spiritual Warfare

The past few days have been trying to say the least.. and while I don't think I've made it back up the hill by any means, I do know that God is going to carry me through this and I'll learn a lot by the time He gets me there. Even now as tired as I am, I feel like this could be an important blog for me later.

If I didn't believe in spiritual warfare before, I definitely would now.

Friday night... left me wanting to quit. Lies flooded my mind and it was all I could do to force myself to sleep. Even though my emotions and feelings lately tend to be more evident than not, I consider myself very driven and mentally strong.. Like how often I KNOW something as truth but these past few days haven't felt like it was true.. and at the same time be able to shake my head and say also that I know this isn't like me.

Saturday I found myself feeling absolutely alone... and yet thinking that I wanted to be alone... but I knew that feeling alone and wanting to be alone is never a good combination - that's the definition of wolf chow to me. I wanted to bottle it all up, pretend Friday night never happened, and move on.. but the playback it triggered in my mind of early childhood was horrible. I ended up forcing myself to go to where most of the members of our church were gathered with their children. As noisy as the house was, being surrounded by people that love me logically made more sense than.. not. I felt numb to God. I could feel myself trying to throw up a defensive wall to make an attempt at blocking God out... It wasn't His fault. God has and will never do me wrong, it's impossible.. But when you hurt, you take it out on the ones you love most, right?

Sunday there was a brief moment when I was walking out to my car when I could feel God. I soaked it up for that moment... and then felt like I was going to hurl (this whole time I've been sick - sinuses were draining so bad I literally felt sick to my stomach). Singing worship songs to God during our gathering calmed me a good deal... and a few minutes tending to a sparrow that flew into the glass door was more real and genuine than I can explain (the bird is fine.. and in a weird way I think maybe the event with the bird really was for me).

Sunday night I felt surrounded by darkness, even while sitting with my family. I felt like quitting again. So instead I went to talk with Paul and April. I've never wanted to simply be in the same room with two people and pray with them or read scripture or sing a song or.. anything to do with Jesus! April shared scripture from the old testament and then from the new.. in a couple different versions. There it was... H o p e ! And what a welcome feeling. We prayed together and I went home feeling so much better.

I would love to say at this point that Monday, I was back to my usual self. I wasn't. I usually don't dream, most nights it seems like I blink and I almost always sleep very light. The slightest noise wakes me up. Sunday night was nothing but nightmares. Monday I was back to feeling terribly alone. I tried everything I could think of to pull myself out of it but nothing was working out as planned or making things any better.. not more than 5 to 10 minutes.

Last night the nightmares were so real... I've never felt so haunted. Right at 5am, I gave up trying to rest. So I got up, got ready, and headed out to make an early start. I've prayed more in the past few days than I usually do in a couple weeks. I need Jesus now more than ever.

praise!

I've just gotta post this real quick as a praise to God...

I SLEPT LAST NIGHT!!! It was amazing. I slept for 6 solid hours and then another 3.. I would've slept even longer but the dog I was watching for someone last night really needed to go outside.. and I was starting to feel like a bum. ha!

But the extra 3 hours goes to having a great boss (thank you, Paul!) and being spoiled. Not that I've been sleeping hardly at all for the past week but really.. how many people can say that they have a boss that encourages them to sleep in??

I've also gotta praise God for my step-dad - God is building people right now and it's such a beautiful work He's doing. Wayne has re-discovered the JOY of having a relationship with Christ and wants to embrace that, I know he can do it! Wayne has been opening up to me (and apparently my brother now, too!) lately and it takes every ounce of my energy not to scream like the Saints just won the superbowl ;D Wayne has had a life full of the people he loved the most either passing away (wife/melissa's mother, his own mother, never knew his father, most of his children don't come around...) and he has lead a life full of sorrow, emptiness, lonliness, anger, guilt.. and now Wayne is seeing that the whole time, God was there loving him!

And me.. I feel God's grace building me up to carry out a mission for Him and I am so excited. I'm starting to see more purpose for things I've encountered.. Such as living life as a lesbian, and Him taking that away and being plopped into hetero-world. I'm happier but until recently, I didn't examine why I was happier... I'm happier because it's not something I have to deal with the world on so much anymore - God made my life easier. What I'm trying to say is I know that I'm happier (1) because it was my impossible for God and (2) the world hates gays.. therefore the world hated me.. and if I'm not gay, I'm not automatically hated by the world.

Once I realized that that was my #2 reason for being happy... That broke my heart.

I've gotta do something. I may never end up settling the war but I have to try. How can I just sit back and do nothing in the position that God has placed me? I don't think for one second that God would change me JUST so that I could have an easier life. NO! God knows I'm used to hard stuff and that I'm bored without it... And that when everything is going smooth, that's when I take time to break myself down personally to examine myself... lol, which usually starts because I feel like I'm missing something if everything is going smoothly and I must be distracted from God... (yes, this is the mentality I have from almost always being in hard stuff. But so far it really has helped me to grow myself spiritually and then take on the next hard thing)

All in all... It's been an amazing weekend. I can't wait to see what God has planned while I seek His face.

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huge reminder from God

This past Thursday, I met up with Mark at starbucks. It was the first time I'd seen him in person since the night I accepted Christ in the Crystal's parking lot.. which was the first time I met Mark. I also got to meet his friend Rick (who brought a friend named Jimmy). We talked about God, His Grace, Jesus, and what God is going in our lives, in us, through us, and around us for four hours.

All in all, it was a huge reminder from God that he is SO reigning in my life and those around me.. that He's got big plans, that he loves me, that I am His.. how perfect I'm not and how completely okay and normal that is... how I don't HAVE to devote my life to serving Him but how much happier I will be because I am anyway..

I felt His comfort so strong.. my fears just melted. He woke me up and called me to Himself and nothing can separate that.. His love is so great, I'm struggling to wrap my mind around it. At the same time, I love Him back even more when I realize each time how much I don't deserve His love and yet He gives His love to me anyway!

I want to live a life that He might, for a single moment somewhere along the line, be proud of. Like Chan said, I so want a 'well done, good and faithful servant' when I see Him, face to face. That's the treasure I want to have in heaven. That's what I want to lay at His feet. Nothing else matters. Nothing.

Rather than be afraid of what He might have planned for my life, I'm so thankful that He has that plan! Wow, have I got SO much to pray for and look forward to! I'm so honored.. humbled to even know or have a clue to a speck of that plan.. theCity.. that alone from Him sends my hope sky rocketing!

save their souls

Won't you take this cup from me
Cause fear has stolen all my sleep
If tomorrow means my death
I pray you'll save their souls with it

Let the songs i sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words i say profess my love
Let the notes i choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

In this hour of doubt i see
But who i am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale

Let the songs i sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words i say profess my love
Let the notes i choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

Father let my heart be...
For you

Let the songs i sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words i say profess my love
Let the notes i choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

(Garden by Needtobreathe)
Man.. Arlene, that song so strikes a chord in my heart.

Cause fear has stolen all my sleep... and if tomorrow does mean my death, God, I beg of you.. save their souls through my death....

My grandfather is going to Houston Monday.. It's "the big day" we've been waiting for and.. not talking about, for months. They're going to try to fix his heart by.. well.. stopping it. And then shocking him back to life. Instead of just reminding us about it, Pop asks that Granny change the locks on the shop FAST if he doesn't make it out of this. I know he's scared but.. It breaks my heart. I want to PRAY with him, not just FOR him! I tried explaining to him that while there are a lot of valuable things in his shop and due to his request we would get it done but.. The more important thing would be the loss of Pop's life. "I'm praying that doesn't happen, Pop.. and praying that you make it through it alright.. And praying that maybe someone else in this room could pray with me."

Crickets. And really, I don't know why I can't sleep at night?

God, I need your help. My family needs your help. God, show them your love! Force their eyes and hearts and minds to open like you did mine! I feel like every ounce of my soul is screaming right now.. and I can't make it stop. And I can't fix it. But God, you can.. You can.

refresh button

Between all plans failing, feeling like my family is falling apart, and being obsessed over by a student there were plenty of distractions all at once. Oh! And my wisdom teeth are on the move again so my entire face hurts. (This past Friday made one month of no smoking though.)

With everything going on/going "wrong", I quickly began to feel trapped. I do not respond well to feeling controlled or even feeling pinned down for any reason... likely one of the reasons I am single.

Seriously though, I'm the type that if you tell me my hair is too short, I will make it as short as possible; demand that I don't talk to a certain person and I will ONLY talk to that person; get me feeling guilty and try to get me to stay in one spot or if I feel you becoming dependant on me... I'm going to run.

I woke up Saturday morning knowing that I wanted to be alone. I need that time - just me and God. So after helping Glen and Jordan move to their new place, I took off. It had been such a beautiful day and the sunset was no exception. I put my phone on silent and cranked up the volume (passion cd, Chris Tomlin, Phil Wickham, and Toby Mac). I spent most of the time driving but really that's when I have a lot of my conversations with God.

I ended up past Grand Chenier and turned onto this really wide gravel highway when I saw a sign for a place called Freshwater City, LA. I'd never heard of it before so I figured there couldn't be much to it which, well, made it the perfect place to go.

A trip to nowhere... with no one... expecting nothing...
Just to be with my creator and hear only Him.

IT WAS PHENOMENAL! I really felt His presence and love. There were birds randomly flying around and chirping at night. Some bigger birds standing in the marsh would stretch their necks to watch me as I passed. Then there was the silly raccoon. I rolled my car to a stop when I saw the raccoon at the side of the road. We watched one another for a minute before the raccoon did a forward flip/roll into the grass and out of sight. (On the way home, I saw a coyote.)

The most amazing during the entire trip was when I knew it was safe enough to stop the car (no traffic)... keep in mind thos road is winding me out through nothing but marsh - there's nothing else around except the Gulf of Mexico. Once I had stopped, a young deer stepped out onto the road. It stood there a minute looking around, shook its head much like a dog does when its ears are wet. Then it began to jump around playfully on the road. I followed the animal down the road until it went into the grass of the marsh on the inland side of the road. With my window down, I made clicking noises at the deer. I would love to say the deer came over to me but... it stared at me and then continued on through the marsh. I couldn't help but laugh. I've seen deer before.. but this one seriously moved like it was enjoying stomping through the puddles and the marsh. Who knew that there would be a deer that far out in the first place? The young deer was the last animal, out of all I saw, that I would've thought I might see.

The time I spent Saturday alone in nature to listen to God was an absolute necessity and I need to get back to doing it more often. I need that reminder that, just like all creations in this world, I am His and He loves me. I so love the time I spend alone with Him and wish everyday could be like that.

Now its time to get up. Week 2 @ the Cavern!!

thankful for a bad day

I know this might sound weird but it makes sense to me...

Today was one of those days where ANY and ALL plans went wrong. At least until I gave up.. I'm not sure where it started, but maybe it was when my calendar started getting meetings added to it for Friday. I had kept Friday clear all week long so that I could go with Lindsay to Houston to celebrate her 21st birthday.. until the second half of the day on Thursday when meetings started popping up. Then the automotive instructor fell ill (Thomas, not sure what you've got but I'm praying you rest up and feel better soon).

Since my car is in our automotive shop at school, that means no car back for Pattie. At least not before Monday. And no, I don't blame anyone, this was completely unavoidable. So I'll just have to figure something out as far as cars go. The insurance company is only paying for my rental through Friday... which means unless I can afford it, I won't have a car until Monday at the earliest.

It's not the end of the world, just makes getting around and getting things done a little harder. But since I have to deal with the rental company today and have meetings, I can't go to Houston and I am bummed. I was so looking forward to a true girl's night and in celebration of such an awesome chick turning 21. I pray that the girl's have a phenomenal trip and I can't wait to hear all about it.

So by the time I got off of work yesterday, I was tempted to simply cancel my plans for the rest of the day and go home. But Caitlyn and I were scheduled to pick out a board game for our college coffee/community/fellowship/we-all-call-it-something-different group (haha!). WOW! The first plan all day that didn't change. And honestly, hanging out with Caitlyn was exactly what I needed.

We spent right at two hours JUST talking before even going into Toys R Us. I learned a lot about Caitlyn and she learned a lot about me. In some ways that I would have never expected, we are alike and the potential to help one another grow in our faith and love for Jesus is limitless because of it. My heart so understands her story and while I don't have all the answers (because I don't have all the answers for my own story), I am even more pumped to see where God leads both of us. Honestly, I don't even remember the name of the board game we picked out but I know it'll be fun for the group but the time I spent actually getting to know my sister in Jesus was priceless.. No game could ever replace that.

So yeah.. Having a bad day earlier really can help you to appreciate when the good does come through.

"Why do you want Him?"

(wrote this in my journal while reading in Forgotten God)

Finding myself in enough pain Saturday that I couldn't breathe and in the ER helped me to grow even more. At first, it was so much pain, I prayed God would take me already... then I decided to go to the hospital because I wasn't ready to go to heaven. This is not saying that I don't think I am going to heaven or even that I don't want to. What I am saying is that I finally WANT to be here. I CARE about why I am here.

I don't want to go to heaven yet because there are still so many people who are not going. There are people that I love and care about and some I have just met who are not going. Yet. But its like brother Steve said today (sunday): the season for harvesting will pass - once we are in heaven, we will never be able to share our love for & from God and bear witness ever again.

Ending up in the hospital made me realize how fragile I am... and how NOT focused on Jesus I was becoming. I could use being sick for the past week as an excuse but I won't. What if Saturday really had been it for me?

What would I say to Jesus about my life?
About my last week?
About my last night?

It's not that I had fallen away or anything drastic but at the same time... doesn't it all start with one distraction?

I've been blessed by God's love, my heart beats for Him. I find that I love random people more and more as I focus on His love... with that I can't just continue to sit back and not somehow figure out how to encourage and inspire others my age to SEE God's love, to long for it and accept that He is for them! If I can't do that then why am I here at all?

World went upside down.

So The Cavern starts next Sunday!!! (www.thecavernattrinity.com) I'm so excited to see how God will use this for His Glory.

Over the past few weeks, I've been on a constant roller coaster. Feeling under the weather for the past few days didn't really help much. I see God working through me and all around me. The roller coaster part? Well to start, I let myself become burdened by everyone's misery around me (even people I barely know). I want so badly for everyone to have the peace and happiness I've found through Jesus. It's not the first time my heart has been so heavy for others but it was the first time it happened since I've quit smoking.. Which helped me realize that I no longer knew how to cope with stress without cigarettes. Would it have been easier to just smoke a cigarette? Likely. Did I? No. Instead I went home and cried like a baby until I passed out.. Which since I haven't been sleeping normally was also much needed.

And who knows, maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew this semester between my job, numerous committees, taking a class, pushing forward with my student mentor team, involvement with church, social life, etc.. But honestly, maybe one of the committees is really all I could see myself giving up. The semester is only for a few months anyway.

I'm happy, just tired.

Then there's matters of the heart. Oh man. Just when I thought I had things figured out.. Just when I was pretty sure I knew which way was up, an old friend contacts me. It's not really that I'd never realized it before.. But he'd always been with someone else (or I was with someone else) and I wanted him to be happy more than anything else. But all it takes is to hear his voice and my heart is like butter. I couldn't take it anymore and so I told him that it wasn't true about Pattie always being the only girl in school that never 'liked' Shane.. And how sorry I am for never saying anything and just sitting back while he got stomped on by all the others. And he said that the truth was I was likely the only girl that REALLY did honestly like him and care for him. Then I laughed and pointed out that we were talking in past-tense, like it all wasn't STILL true.

I would stop the world for him.. I know his 'flaws' and love him the same. He's my best friend and, while I know I can, I would hate to go through life without him. The downside to all this is that he lives in Arizona now and still has a year left in school. Do I think he would ever more back to Louisiana? Don't know. Would I ever move to Arizona? Again, don't know ;) I do know that I will never love another person the way I love him. I'm so tired of settling for less than what my heart really wants, tired of trying to find someone else that could possibly measure up to him.. tired of putting myself through unnecessary heartache.

All of this made me stop and think today.. Where is God taking me? I love Shane, but I love my God more.. Lately I've been getting a tug in my heart that Lake Charles is SO just the beginning of the road in my ministry. I don't know where I'm supposed to go, or when.. But when I do, it will be for God. A big part of me is scared that as I take on new positions for God, new roles.. that I will mess up, that I won't be ready.. But that fear is so not going to stop me. If God is with me, then nothing can stand against me.

My life is not MY project, it is GOD's project and I am 100% down with that! :)

Trading Addictions

Friday, I found myself out of cigarettes and honestly was tired of buying them. I'd been thinking about quitting smoking (tried a couple times before) but never really stayed committed to quitting. But it was different before. Before, my reasons for wanting to quit weren't rock solid, they weren't really anything I can remember even to this point.

My reasons now hardly include health. I mean, yeah, smoking causes cancer, heart problems, lung problems, decreases oxygen levels in your blood, etc. But I knew all of that BEFORE I ever started smoking and still chose to smoke so those reasons alone would never be reason enough for me to quit. I chose to quit this time because I want to be closer to God. I want that so bad that I know I can overcome this addiction.

I'm not saying that I believe anyone who smokes can never be close to God. No, I'm not saying that at all. This is a specific thing concerning me. I don't make much money where I work and something Bro. Steve said a Sunday or so ago was that God has blessed us with the money that we do have... I took that home and it stuck with me. It is a blessing and I'm just sending it up in smoke. I feel like what I'd been saying to God was "Thanks for this money, God! Now I'm going to go waste it on something totally meaningless that I will light on fire over and over and over and over again!" ... And then always run into the same problem: I don't make "enough" money.

Recently, I've wanted to do greater things with my money than light it on fire. Like start a bank account for Passion 2011! Sponser a child through Compassion International! And, I don't know, maybe be able to stop feeling like I never have money. Since I am committed to no longer smoking, I've already signed up to sponser a child in Honduras! Yay!

At the same time that it hasn't been easy so far, I know that this is something I want with all my heart. And I know that it will get easier. There's no certain crutch I've found, no special gum, no special item to hold in my hand, nothing to keep handy to put in my mouth.. NOTHING that will FULLY make the transition from an Addiction to Cigarettes to an Addition to JESUS super smooth, quick, and easy. But I do know that if the want, desire, and need to amplify my addiction to Jesus was missing, I wouldn't be able to kick the cigarettes. I could smoke for the next ten years if that need wasn't there and not care at all. But it IS there and I can't ignore it.

I've been in a LOT of prayer over the past few days and I'm sure it will be a couple weeks. And though I've been pretty crabby throughout each day and lacking in sleep and right now simply wanting to find a dark place to curl up in and cry, I know my God is with me and will never leave me. He knows my heart in this just as he knows everything else. God will use my struggles, my mistakes, my success and failures all for His glory. I praise Him always and finally FEEL like I'm showing (even if just a little better) how truly thankful I am to God for every breath I take.

in progress

Ok so.. created due to popular demand and the numerous requests, I'm starting an online journal. Just bare with me as I transition from paper to having it all out on the web.

Pattie