patience, patterns, pain & prayers

The Lord continues answering prayers.  Sometimes, more often than not, I'm not patient enough to wait for Him.. Which is silly. I know that He is faithful and trustworthy.. I KNOW that He will come through and I know that His plan for my life is far beyond my wildest dreams.. But sometimes I need that mirror, you know, someone to hold it up so I can see what's going on with me.

Like this really annoying patten I have.. To everyone else, it seems as if I just come out of no where at once with all these things that are I'm worrying, fretting, freaking-out over - like there's just that one thing that sets me off and I tack everything else with it.... Ugh, okay so here's a super honest moment that I'm hoping will help me to end this crazy cycle/pattern - It's not out of no where. The truth is I struggle constantly with trusting God. Constantly. Sometimes even when I surrender things to Him, it's like I'm still keeping my eye on what it was I gave over to Him.. why do I do this?  Is there a part of me still thinks my plan is the best one? Am I expecting God to work based on my time schedule? I don't know exactly why... But I do know that Jesus is the only one who will never let me down.  Anyway, what usually comes out as a sudden overwhelm is generally when I've reached a point where I realize that I've been holding everything in for way too long, trying to carry it all by myself, I've been failing horribly but trying to put pretty bows on all of it or stuff it into neat organized boxes so that from the outside everything looks... calm.  I can't stand that I do this.. and I've been getting to the point where I don't even really want to try to figure out who to talk to about things because there's almost no one that will just listen and not try to correct me or fuss at me or teach me something... Sometimes I just need to talk.  It's not that I'm not talking to Jesus, it's that most of the time He doesn't talk back and I'm not patient.

(There's a part of me that wants to delete that last paragraph but.. in efforts of being transparent, it stays.)

So He continues answering prayers.  Since early January, I've been having a couple symptoms. One normal (for me at least - migraines) the other completely not normal for me. It instantly caught my attention and for three months, I waited. For the first time in my life, I've prayed and PRAYED for something most women would be glad to never have to deal with again. A few weeks ago, my vision noticeably changed and, naturally, my migraines have gotten even worse. Almost everyday. (This week, it has been everyday.)  Then there was a coupon for a $50 eye exam!  So tomorrow, I'm setting up an appointment to get my eyes checked and talk to the doctor.  Hopefully, all of my symptoms are not related.. I'm hoping that new glasses will make the migraines stop. And what I'd been waiting for all year so far finally happened so, while I'm in double pain to make up for it (seems like) and my hormones are making my emotional, I'm still praising the Lord for answered prayers.

I forget where I was going with this post... ha! Oh well - Jesus is trustworthy, I have to slow down and put my faith actively in Him and Him alone.

Momentum

Man oh man, HomeworkNight is so gaining momentum, it's so gotta be close to impossible to have not heard something about HomeworkNight in Lake Charles. The press and local news are so all over this! Jesus is all over this! I'm so pumped!

I'm even more pumped when I take into consideration that the more the city looks like it's going to be different, the harder my own personal life seems to be getting.  You know what that means?  That's right, it means Satan is scared and trying all sorts of tricks to knock this momentum out of God's equation.

So just when I feel like I don't have enough time to fit everything in during the week, it's time to fit MORE time in for Jesus in prayer, through God's word, through conversation about Him with the family...

Lord, we need you now more than ever.

Learn as You Go

I've noticed lately, as I've been reflecting on myself and how I react when communicating with others, well.. I've noticed a lot of things really. Like how easily conditioned I am (this really bothers me).. it generally only takes a couple times of getting the same results from something for me to always expect those results. Ugh!!
I've also noticed that I do some of the exact things to people that when they do it to me, I feel terribly discouraged. (Like not taking a moment to hear someone out.. instantly coming back with what I want to say, what I want to have on the table.. why do I do that?)
Part of my personality and the way I communicate is that I'm always expecting a lesson or to learn something from everything. Its just how my brain works. Very rarely do I think that people are simply talking rather than sharing information or something I need to learn from..
I've also noticed that I'm used to people giving up on me and therefore I'm used to things not working out and never going anywhere.. so I keep finding myself @ a point still expecting things to not work out and God keeps showing me that they are working out.. and I keep finding myself at a point where I don't understand the fact that Paul (especially, he puts up w/ me daily) hasn't given up on me.. not that I want him to give up, its just what I'm used to.. I can't help but think of Jesus and how He never quits.
The living situation makes reconditioning my mind more difficult.. I'm struggling lately with the transition each day.. at home I walk on eggshells around my grandfather to keep from fighting with him, we dont talk about anything meaningful, and I'm not allowed to voice my opinion... when I'm not at home / I'm at work, Paul wants me to communicate, voice my opinions, share my ideas, discuss things, be open, honest... and I'm struggling with even wanting to be vulnerable.
Its wearing on me more lately, I'm staying tired, emotionally on edge, and stuck somewhere in the middle of both worlds.. its really like servant vs royalty (home vs work).

I know God has a plan for all of this and that He really does make all things work together for my good.. I'm going on faith that He will get me to that point .. I've just gotta hold on and learn as I go.. I'm just saying if it could be sooner rather than later, that would be awesome.

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