The past week has been amazing! Started off a little rough, but I can't remember the last time I felt this great. Full of energy! Full of joy! Waking up happy... there's such a huge weight that has been lifted from me and it feels so good to be free.
I'm back to my fun, random, joyful self... and improved!
...then, just like satan's usual attempts, a curve ball as soon as I get home. So I'm even more thankful for the renewed joy of this past week to prepare my heart to be on guard with perfect timing... I'd realized how little it phased me if we 'are' or we 'aren't' - we continue to play in different leagues. Life is too short so I'm so glad for this timing... wow, you think you know someone and then you find out you've been strung along and he's engaged.
Nice.
behind
Lately I just feel so far behind. It's been keeping me restless for a while and the longer I'm unemployed, the more I can't just ignore it. I'm 24 now and yet thought I had it together so much more at 23 and even more together at 22... I made decisions then that I thought were the right ones, the last thing I thought was that I'd end up more behind than were I was when I made those decisions.. Haha.. decisions made on faith and a passion for God's kingdom.
Maybe I wasn't ready.. I mean, I thought I was.. but now I just feel like I got lost, distracted, and even went through a period of depression that did SO much damage relationship-wise.. Which ultimately got me.. here. Behind. I feel like I should have more of my life together by now.. I haven't been in college for a couple of years, the last place I should be is unemployed and living with my parents. I feel like I should be somewhat successful by now yet I've never felt more of the opposite.
I feel so absolutely stuck.. this past week (or two) has been hard. I'm struggling with jealousy - feeling replaced. At the same time, it makes sense to utilize people that have more of a church background and know more about church/religion/God than I do.. which leads me back to 'maybe I wasn't ready.' But feeling replaced is so bringing me to a halt, causing me to not even want to try... especially since I feel like I'd just be trying to impress people.. It's a vicious cycle - when I do try (and the more I try), I'm just even more... stuck.
Maybe I wasn't ready.. I mean, I thought I was.. but now I just feel like I got lost, distracted, and even went through a period of depression that did SO much damage relationship-wise.. Which ultimately got me.. here. Behind. I feel like I should have more of my life together by now.. I haven't been in college for a couple of years, the last place I should be is unemployed and living with my parents. I feel like I should be somewhat successful by now yet I've never felt more of the opposite.
I feel so absolutely stuck.. this past week (or two) has been hard. I'm struggling with jealousy - feeling replaced. At the same time, it makes sense to utilize people that have more of a church background and know more about church/religion/God than I do.. which leads me back to 'maybe I wasn't ready.' But feeling replaced is so bringing me to a halt, causing me to not even want to try... especially since I feel like I'd just be trying to impress people.. It's a vicious cycle - when I do try (and the more I try), I'm just even more... stuck.
not so weird
Tired but wanted to capture this before I went to sleep...
Yesterday, Sam was keeping me company at work and somehow the conversation (on my end) lead to how I don't feel like I'm very "girly" and how saddening that can be sometimes.. I immediately attempted to blow the thought away that had just escaped my mouth but the look on Sam's face made me hesitate because it seemed he didn't agree.
Apparently, I'm girly in a guy's eyes! Hey, that's pretty cool. Haha, so then the conversation got even more encouraging...
"So if I'm girly, what do you consider [girly person to remain nameless]?" I asked.
Sam replied with eyes wide, "Over the top!"
So maybe I'm not as weird as I sometimes think after all.
Plus, I'd SO much rather go mud-riding, four-wheeler riding, fishing, shooting, you name it with the boys any day than learn how to walk in heels that just cost WAY too much anyway.
...and i just started talking
I'm so thankful for the past couple of days. It's hard digging deep inside myself to sort things out but always so rewarding once I have the light-bulb moment. The past couple of days have been the result of all my digging (for a while now like.. a few months at least).
Prayer can be very beautiful. Or it can be stale. It finally dawned on me that my prayer-time had become very stale... With the repeat pattern from anytime I'm in community of using a 'sharable' prayer, I'd not been aware that this was the same I was doing with God. Which essentially meant I wasn't being very open with God at all.
The past couple of weeks for sure, I'd noticed it and was struggling with it. Why wasn't I being open with God? Why did I feel like I didn't know how? What was it going to take for me to break the wall back down?
Answer: The fear of being WITHOUT God was all it took. Because if there is a wall between me and God then that means I'm isolating myself and that N E V E R goes anything less than horrible!
So Saturday night I went back through the steps of how I spent my favorite time with God at the old house. Ooooh yeah! Laying in my bed on my back, hands stretched up high, eyes closed - no distractions. It took a moment still for me to get my mind right but man, oh man, I knew I needed to talk to my Lord more than I needed anything I could possibly think of doing.
And I just started talking. Out loud. I apologized for not talking to Him for so long.. and for sending up prayers like they were post cards rather than really acknowledging He was constantly here with me the entire time, and praised Him for His faithfulness. I apologized for worrying more what someone else thought of me rather than what HE thought of me, and praised Him for His love. And then I felt the freedom again like I used to - the freedom to spill my heart and brain out to my heavenly Father who delights in every single word. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep talking to Him.
Today (Sunday) was amazing. I woke up feeling so alive and calm and felt so comfortable in my own skin again like I haven't in quite a while. Ahhhhhh. Jesus, You are awesome =)
Prayer can be very beautiful. Or it can be stale. It finally dawned on me that my prayer-time had become very stale... With the repeat pattern from anytime I'm in community of using a 'sharable' prayer, I'd not been aware that this was the same I was doing with God. Which essentially meant I wasn't being very open with God at all.
The past couple of weeks for sure, I'd noticed it and was struggling with it. Why wasn't I being open with God? Why did I feel like I didn't know how? What was it going to take for me to break the wall back down?
Answer: The fear of being WITHOUT God was all it took. Because if there is a wall between me and God then that means I'm isolating myself and that N E V E R goes anything less than horrible!
So Saturday night I went back through the steps of how I spent my favorite time with God at the old house. Ooooh yeah! Laying in my bed on my back, hands stretched up high, eyes closed - no distractions. It took a moment still for me to get my mind right but man, oh man, I knew I needed to talk to my Lord more than I needed anything I could possibly think of doing.
And I just started talking. Out loud. I apologized for not talking to Him for so long.. and for sending up prayers like they were post cards rather than really acknowledging He was constantly here with me the entire time, and praised Him for His faithfulness. I apologized for worrying more what someone else thought of me rather than what HE thought of me, and praised Him for His love. And then I felt the freedom again like I used to - the freedom to spill my heart and brain out to my heavenly Father who delights in every single word. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep talking to Him.
Today (Sunday) was amazing. I woke up feeling so alive and calm and felt so comfortable in my own skin again like I haven't in quite a while. Ahhhhhh. Jesus, You are awesome =)
let's start over...
My blogs always come out better in my head... lol, I think that might be what keeps me from blogging more often. That but mostly the fear of being misunderstood. ...fear.
How is it that the more I learn about following Christ and the more I dive into real community with others, I develop more and more fears that were never really a problem before? Honestly, I think all these fears are the complete opposite from what I'm supposed to be experiencing... It's for freedom that He set me free, not for fear. I don't know how to conquer my fears but I do know that I am capable of pushing through even when I am still afraid.
What if I mess up? ...or worse, what if I blew it already? Huh.. regardless, I guess it's not a surprise to God. He definitely saw it coming. ...what if I can't get my eyes off of the smaller picture in order to see the bigger picture? Because blowing it in one situation with one person would be so small in comparison.
I'm so afraid to open back up, to be really gut-wrenching honest. Being reminded of how broken I am, how much stress I cause, how negative and needy I am only adds to this fear so I retreat even more. This is all still NEW to me. Lately I feel more isolated and trapped than ever... My non-Christian friends have been more encouraging as a whole. It's no one's fault but the ability to communicate what's really going on with me just.. sucks. I'm so tired of pretending everything is fine to make people happy, to make sure I act/speak/communicate in the way that suits others in order to keep stress and conflict down. It's exhausting being an actress all the time and it's doing so much more damage than good that I feel like I'm just going backwards. I'm struggling again with things that hadn't been a problem anymore and yet somehow it's easier for me to type this into a blog and post on the internet than communicate to the people I'm closest to.
The past couple of days, a twinge of jealousy crept in when thinking about my old friends - they can be themselves and not be so bound up in themselves from having to pretend in order to keep peace and put on a good face.
God, I messed all of this up so bad. Help me forgive myself the way You can forgive me because I know that maybe if I could do that.. it wouldn't matter how anyone else continued reacting to me because I wouldn't feel so much guilt when it comes to this. I've tried to trace it back to how I got lost and it all happened in the first place but I can't and at this point, it doesn't really matter. I need You, Father.. You and I both know I don't want to walk away as tempting as it may seem, I love You way too much for that but God this is so hard and I need direction. I should've come to You in the first place but instead I tried to be a "big girl" even though we both know that never gets me anywhere... Lord, soften my heart like it was before - Break me, Lord, let's just start over.. If I could have nothing else, God, I want to start over with You..
How is it that the more I learn about following Christ and the more I dive into real community with others, I develop more and more fears that were never really a problem before? Honestly, I think all these fears are the complete opposite from what I'm supposed to be experiencing... It's for freedom that He set me free, not for fear. I don't know how to conquer my fears but I do know that I am capable of pushing through even when I am still afraid.
What if I mess up? ...or worse, what if I blew it already? Huh.. regardless, I guess it's not a surprise to God. He definitely saw it coming. ...what if I can't get my eyes off of the smaller picture in order to see the bigger picture? Because blowing it in one situation with one person would be so small in comparison.
I'm so afraid to open back up, to be really gut-wrenching honest. Being reminded of how broken I am, how much stress I cause, how negative and needy I am only adds to this fear so I retreat even more. This is all still NEW to me. Lately I feel more isolated and trapped than ever... My non-Christian friends have been more encouraging as a whole. It's no one's fault but the ability to communicate what's really going on with me just.. sucks. I'm so tired of pretending everything is fine to make people happy, to make sure I act/speak/communicate in the way that suits others in order to keep stress and conflict down. It's exhausting being an actress all the time and it's doing so much more damage than good that I feel like I'm just going backwards. I'm struggling again with things that hadn't been a problem anymore and yet somehow it's easier for me to type this into a blog and post on the internet than communicate to the people I'm closest to.
The past couple of days, a twinge of jealousy crept in when thinking about my old friends - they can be themselves and not be so bound up in themselves from having to pretend in order to keep peace and put on a good face.
God, I messed all of this up so bad. Help me forgive myself the way You can forgive me because I know that maybe if I could do that.. it wouldn't matter how anyone else continued reacting to me because I wouldn't feel so much guilt when it comes to this. I've tried to trace it back to how I got lost and it all happened in the first place but I can't and at this point, it doesn't really matter. I need You, Father.. You and I both know I don't want to walk away as tempting as it may seem, I love You way too much for that but God this is so hard and I need direction. I should've come to You in the first place but instead I tried to be a "big girl" even though we both know that never gets me anywhere... Lord, soften my heart like it was before - Break me, Lord, let's just start over.. If I could have nothing else, God, I want to start over with You..
Maybe writing will help..
I know this situation I'm in is only temporary, but that doesn't mean it's not still hard. I keep telling myself the Lord will come through.. But I'm still struggling. Of course all this would go on when my older brother and younger sister both graduate from college in the same week.. Ugh, I want nothing more than to be happy for them and be proud of them because I am.. But the pressure coming from others about my own schooling didn't help. Add the stress of not having income along with no job...
I'm not willing to sacrifice my character, my values, or the well-being of our church to draw an income. But I can't / won't blog about it in detail... as much as I want to get it all out.. It's not even about defending myself or my side. I could care less. Plus my defense is rarely seems to be taken into consideration anyway so why even bother? Really all I want to do in this situation now is pray that eyes be opened. It sucks that one man can be such a good liar that he uses his 'skill' to put a wedge in the church between two people.. or try to, at least. I hope I'm doing the right thing by saying so little... Why does every little thing have to turn into such a big deal? I don't want to know what was said against me as lies.. What would it help?
Instead here I am again. I'm so tired of people ONLY sharing crap-lies about me to people I look to for guidance.. at least that's what it seems like only gets shared.. maybe there is good stuff, too, but the good stuff never seems to make it's way back around. Instead I end up feeling isolated because people can't just talk to me themselves. Why not?!
FYI: If you want to know the truth, just ask me. If I'm directly involved in the situation (any) I'll give it to you. You really should know that about me by now, guys.
[End of rant.]
So here I am. Struggling. I've been praying, looking to God for help... lol, all I can think of now is maybe finally let go and cry. I'm scared. I don't know exactly what God's plan is. I'm already so miserable having nothing to do every day. I long for interaction with people! And yet today when I had the chance, I was so discouraged from it all that all I wanted to do was go home, curl up in the fetal position, and cry... Crying doesn't solve anything but I feel better afterwords, usually, and it's free so.. it fits in the budget for now.
Lord? ...can we just go to Africa and skip this part? If anyone sees my encouragement laying around somewhere, please be kind enough to return it to me.
Thanks!
I'm not willing to sacrifice my character, my values, or the well-being of our church to draw an income. But I can't / won't blog about it in detail... as much as I want to get it all out.. It's not even about defending myself or my side. I could care less. Plus my defense is rarely seems to be taken into consideration anyway so why even bother? Really all I want to do in this situation now is pray that eyes be opened. It sucks that one man can be such a good liar that he uses his 'skill' to put a wedge in the church between two people.. or try to, at least. I hope I'm doing the right thing by saying so little... Why does every little thing have to turn into such a big deal? I don't want to know what was said against me as lies.. What would it help?
Instead here I am again. I'm so tired of people ONLY sharing crap-lies about me to people I look to for guidance.. at least that's what it seems like only gets shared.. maybe there is good stuff, too, but the good stuff never seems to make it's way back around. Instead I end up feeling isolated because people can't just talk to me themselves. Why not?!
FYI: If you want to know the truth, just ask me. If I'm directly involved in the situation (any) I'll give it to you. You really should know that about me by now, guys.
[End of rant.]
So here I am. Struggling. I've been praying, looking to God for help... lol, all I can think of now is maybe finally let go and cry. I'm scared. I don't know exactly what God's plan is. I'm already so miserable having nothing to do every day. I long for interaction with people! And yet today when I had the chance, I was so discouraged from it all that all I wanted to do was go home, curl up in the fetal position, and cry... Crying doesn't solve anything but I feel better afterwords, usually, and it's free so.. it fits in the budget for now.
Lord? ...can we just go to Africa and skip this part? If anyone sees my encouragement laying around somewhere, please be kind enough to return it to me.
Thanks!
Quicksand
I've been feeling really lost lately... Even just writing about this is really hard... Man, praying on it with my community group tonight was really hard, I almost passed because the last thing I want is a ton of attention or people thinking I'm crying out for something... I mean in a way, I am, but not anything anyone in the group can give me.
I'd love to blame it on the new work environment, and maybe that's got a bit to do with it, but it's not like it started there... I don't know where it started, but it's been a slow drift for m o n t h s.
Lately it seems the harder I try to focus on Christ, the more I'm falling behind and drifting. This past week... ugh, it's really like the Pattie that once was so crazy fired up, living for Christ, is a girl I once knew.. Lord, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of discouragement.. More like quicksand, I've been fighting to find solid land for months and I'm just barely keeping my head above the earth to breathe and it's taking all of my energy. Where is the solid ground, Lord? When is it going to stop? I'm so tired. I just want to quit... But I can't.. I can't. Because I know quitting would hurt so much worse than this... Lord, just wanting to quit hurts - I don't want to be here... Can't we just skip this part of my life? Does my life always have to be so hard? ...or is that how I got here in the first place, because I had a break for a little while?
Father, I need You so bad right now... Help me see that You're here.. You said You'll never leave me, teach me that it's true.
Father, if the quicksand is preparing me then keep me in it.. As much as is sucks I'd rather be in the quicksand, crying out for You, than anywhere without You, Lord.. I'd rather be drowning here than without You.
I'd love to blame it on the new work environment, and maybe that's got a bit to do with it, but it's not like it started there... I don't know where it started, but it's been a slow drift for m o n t h s.
Lately it seems the harder I try to focus on Christ, the more I'm falling behind and drifting. This past week... ugh, it's really like the Pattie that once was so crazy fired up, living for Christ, is a girl I once knew.. Lord, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of discouragement.. More like quicksand, I've been fighting to find solid land for months and I'm just barely keeping my head above the earth to breathe and it's taking all of my energy. Where is the solid ground, Lord? When is it going to stop? I'm so tired. I just want to quit... But I can't.. I can't. Because I know quitting would hurt so much worse than this... Lord, just wanting to quit hurts - I don't want to be here... Can't we just skip this part of my life? Does my life always have to be so hard? ...or is that how I got here in the first place, because I had a break for a little while?
Father, I need You so bad right now... Help me see that You're here.. You said You'll never leave me, teach me that it's true.
Father, if the quicksand is preparing me then keep me in it.. As much as is sucks I'd rather be in the quicksand, crying out for You, than anywhere without You, Lord.. I'd rather be drowning here than without You.
Yes, Lord
Psalm 37
Of David. 1 Do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.
12 The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.
and gnash their teeth at them;
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.
14 The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.
16 Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;
17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.
than the wealth of many wicked;
17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.
18 The blameless spend their days under the LORD’s care,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
19 In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
and their inheritance will endure forever.
19 In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
20 But the wicked will perish:
Though the LORD’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.
Though the LORD’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.
21 The wicked borrow and do not repay,
but the righteous give generously;
22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be destroyed.
but the righteous give generously;
22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be destroyed.
23 The LORD makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
25 I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
26 They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing.
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
26 They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing.
27 Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.
28 For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
then you will dwell in the land forever.
28 For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed;
the offspring of the wicked will perish.
29 The righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.
the offspring of the wicked will perish.
29 The righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.
30 The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
and their tongues speak what is just.
31 The law of their God is in their hearts;
their feet do not slip.
and their tongues speak what is just.
31 The law of their God is in their hearts;
their feet do not slip.
32 The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
intent on putting them to death;
33 but the LORD will not leave them in the power of the wicked
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
intent on putting them to death;
33 but the LORD will not leave them in the power of the wicked
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
34 Hope in the LORD
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.
35 I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
36 but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.
flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
36 but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.
37 Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
a future awaits those who seek peace.
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
there will be no future for the wicked.
a future awaits those who seek peace.
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
there will be no future for the wicked.
39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
40 The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
40 The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.
Urge to run
Every now and then (sometimes more often than not), the restlessness in me becomes so great that making a run for it sounds so so good.. It would be so much easier to just.. run. Staying and working things out is so much harder... especially when I don't know where to start. Like I'm sailing a sinking ship... Today I flat out just felt like giving up.. Calling a forfeit. It's not about winning but I never stood a chance.. My faith was so much bigger when I started. Father save me from this wreck I'm facing..
If I'd known this is how it would go, I doubt I would've played this game... that's why I'm glad I didn't know. I wouldn't have willingly jumped into the ship, I would've stayed on the shore.. so I'm glad I didn't know. The lessons learned are so worth the bottom of the ocean... I've grown so much and feel a little taller.. Except for the heartbreak that goes with the ship. Maybe it's not God I struggle to trust.. maybe part of the struggle is because I trusted too much in people.. or maybe that's just the heartbreak talking.
What takes more faith and which is wiser? Run for freedom.. or sinking in the ocean?
Maybe I'll get it right one day.
If I'd known this is how it would go, I doubt I would've played this game... that's why I'm glad I didn't know. I wouldn't have willingly jumped into the ship, I would've stayed on the shore.. so I'm glad I didn't know. The lessons learned are so worth the bottom of the ocean... I've grown so much and feel a little taller.. Except for the heartbreak that goes with the ship. Maybe it's not God I struggle to trust.. maybe part of the struggle is because I trusted too much in people.. or maybe that's just the heartbreak talking.
What takes more faith and which is wiser? Run for freedom.. or sinking in the ocean?
Maybe I'll get it right one day.
i am Jack's complete lack of surprise
News todays that I didn't get the job, after my second interview, came as a slight shock... and at the same time, not a shock at all. It was a shock in the sense that both interviews went through-the-roof amazing... Not a shock in the sense that this is the THIRD company I've had interviews with and not gotten the job (which is the only three interviews I've ever gone through and not gotten the job.. ever)... Not a shock in the sense that God delivered a message to me at Passion that this was right where He wanted me... Not a shock in the sense that, more and more, I'm getting used to things being harder and not just falling out of the sky the way I want or expect them to... Not a shock in the sense that I haven't been able to shake this feeling of restlessness again that the Lord is about to have me jump ship. He's steady preparing me and teaching me to be patient as I'm steady chomping at the bit to go already.
I guess the only part that shocked me was how qualified I knew I was for the jobs, how amazingly the interviews went... and then nothing.
Believe what you want, but I firmly believe the Lord shut those doors for me on purpose. Who knows, maybe I'll be going out on mission a lot sooner than I thought.. maybe I won't.. He knows and that's more than good enough. I'm definitely intrigued as to what He's got next.
I guess the only part that shocked me was how qualified I knew I was for the jobs, how amazingly the interviews went... and then nothing.
Believe what you want, but I firmly believe the Lord shut those doors for me on purpose. Who knows, maybe I'll be going out on mission a lot sooner than I thought.. maybe I won't.. He knows and that's more than good enough. I'm definitely intrigued as to what He's got next.
patience, patterns, pain & prayers
The Lord continues answering prayers. Sometimes, more often than not, I'm not patient enough to wait for Him.. Which is silly. I know that He is faithful and trustworthy.. I KNOW that He will come through and I know that His plan for my life is far beyond my wildest dreams.. But sometimes I need that mirror, you know, someone to hold it up so I can see what's going on with me.
Like this really annoying patten I have.. To everyone else, it seems as if I just come out of no where at once with all these things that are I'm worrying, fretting, freaking-out over - like there's just that one thing that sets me off and I tack everything else with it.... Ugh, okay so here's a super honest moment that I'm hoping will help me to end this crazy cycle/pattern - It's not out of no where. The truth is I struggle constantly with trusting God. Constantly. Sometimes even when I surrender things to Him, it's like I'm still keeping my eye on what it was I gave over to Him.. why do I do this? Is there a part of me still thinks my plan is the best one? Am I expecting God to work based on my time schedule? I don't know exactly why... But I do know that Jesus is the only one who will never let me down. Anyway, what usually comes out as a sudden overwhelm is generally when I've reached a point where I realize that I've been holding everything in for way too long, trying to carry it all by myself, I've been failing horribly but trying to put pretty bows on all of it or stuff it into neat organized boxes so that from the outside everything looks... calm. I can't stand that I do this.. and I've been getting to the point where I don't even really want to try to figure out who to talk to about things because there's almost no one that will just listen and not try to correct me or fuss at me or teach me something... Sometimes I just need to talk. It's not that I'm not talking to Jesus, it's that most of the time He doesn't talk back and I'm not patient.
(There's a part of me that wants to delete that last paragraph but.. in efforts of being transparent, it stays.)
So He continues answering prayers. Since early January, I've been having a couple symptoms. One normal (for me at least - migraines) the other completely not normal for me. It instantly caught my attention and for three months, I waited. For the first time in my life, I've prayed and PRAYED for something most women would be glad to never have to deal with again. A few weeks ago, my vision noticeably changed and, naturally, my migraines have gotten even worse. Almost everyday. (This week, it has been everyday.) Then there was a coupon for a $50 eye exam! So tomorrow, I'm setting up an appointment to get my eyes checked and talk to the doctor. Hopefully, all of my symptoms are not related.. I'm hoping that new glasses will make the migraines stop. And what I'd been waiting for all year so far finally happened so, while I'm in double pain to make up for it (seems like) and my hormones are making my emotional, I'm still praising the Lord for answered prayers.
I forget where I was going with this post... ha! Oh well - Jesus is trustworthy, I have to slow down and put my faith actively in Him and Him alone.
Like this really annoying patten I have.. To everyone else, it seems as if I just come out of no where at once with all these things that are I'm worrying, fretting, freaking-out over - like there's just that one thing that sets me off and I tack everything else with it.... Ugh, okay so here's a super honest moment that I'm hoping will help me to end this crazy cycle/pattern - It's not out of no where. The truth is I struggle constantly with trusting God. Constantly. Sometimes even when I surrender things to Him, it's like I'm still keeping my eye on what it was I gave over to Him.. why do I do this? Is there a part of me still thinks my plan is the best one? Am I expecting God to work based on my time schedule? I don't know exactly why... But I do know that Jesus is the only one who will never let me down. Anyway, what usually comes out as a sudden overwhelm is generally when I've reached a point where I realize that I've been holding everything in for way too long, trying to carry it all by myself, I've been failing horribly but trying to put pretty bows on all of it or stuff it into neat organized boxes so that from the outside everything looks... calm. I can't stand that I do this.. and I've been getting to the point where I don't even really want to try to figure out who to talk to about things because there's almost no one that will just listen and not try to correct me or fuss at me or teach me something... Sometimes I just need to talk. It's not that I'm not talking to Jesus, it's that most of the time He doesn't talk back and I'm not patient.
(There's a part of me that wants to delete that last paragraph but.. in efforts of being transparent, it stays.)
So He continues answering prayers. Since early January, I've been having a couple symptoms. One normal (for me at least - migraines) the other completely not normal for me. It instantly caught my attention and for three months, I waited. For the first time in my life, I've prayed and PRAYED for something most women would be glad to never have to deal with again. A few weeks ago, my vision noticeably changed and, naturally, my migraines have gotten even worse. Almost everyday. (This week, it has been everyday.) Then there was a coupon for a $50 eye exam! So tomorrow, I'm setting up an appointment to get my eyes checked and talk to the doctor. Hopefully, all of my symptoms are not related.. I'm hoping that new glasses will make the migraines stop. And what I'd been waiting for all year so far finally happened so, while I'm in double pain to make up for it (seems like) and my hormones are making my emotional, I'm still praising the Lord for answered prayers.
I forget where I was going with this post... ha! Oh well - Jesus is trustworthy, I have to slow down and put my faith actively in Him and Him alone.
Answered Prayer
Last night at the end of our Wednesday night college community group, my prayer wasn't many words but it was so what I meant and what I needed.
"Father, I just want to see You... nothing else I could pray for right now compares to that."
It had nothing to do with any one else's prayer or anyone other than the Lord and me. We started a new book called Tangible Kingdom Primer this past week and Tuesday night I poured my heart out to God.. The questions in the book didn't exactly match up with what came from my heart but that doesn't really matter.
I desperately wanted nothing more than to fall madly in love with Jesus again.. with the creator of the universe.. with the creator of me.. the one who breathed the stars into existence and calls every single one by name.. the Lord of my life. Because without Him, I am lost without a hope. I remember what that feels like and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.. But I'd been slipping so bad, getting caught up in churchy things, in doing good, in behaving the right way... in pleasing everyone else before Jesus.
"... I don't want to grow if I can't reconnect with You the way I did then." When I was getting my first taste of life with Christ, I was on fire and telling everyone I could about the God that came to earth and died for us... about His crazy love! How could anyone ever become calm about Jesus and still say they KNOW Him??
"Father, I just want to see You..." Wednesday the cry was even stronger. At group, I shared these things that I had written in our primer book, making myself vulnerable and exposing myself ....and realized that, for whatever reason, I had stopped letting myself be vulnerable.. It was hard. For the first time, being honest about what was really going on with me was hard.. More and more, I was realizing just how far I'd slipped.
The Lord answers prayers, that's for sure! Today (Thursday) was so breath-takingly glorious - I saw Jesus everywhere! Twice I was complimented on my smile and how it encouraged people after seeing the Lord in them, working through them, etc. had encouraged me! Blessing after blessing after opportunity to worship after opportunity to share His great love!
Tomorrow is going to be even better, I just know it. God is so good!
"Father, I just want to see You... nothing else I could pray for right now compares to that."
It had nothing to do with any one else's prayer or anyone other than the Lord and me. We started a new book called Tangible Kingdom Primer this past week and Tuesday night I poured my heart out to God.. The questions in the book didn't exactly match up with what came from my heart but that doesn't really matter.
I desperately wanted nothing more than to fall madly in love with Jesus again.. with the creator of the universe.. with the creator of me.. the one who breathed the stars into existence and calls every single one by name.. the Lord of my life. Because without Him, I am lost without a hope. I remember what that feels like and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.. But I'd been slipping so bad, getting caught up in churchy things, in doing good, in behaving the right way... in pleasing everyone else before Jesus.
"... I don't want to grow if I can't reconnect with You the way I did then." When I was getting my first taste of life with Christ, I was on fire and telling everyone I could about the God that came to earth and died for us... about His crazy love! How could anyone ever become calm about Jesus and still say they KNOW Him??
"Father, I just want to see You..." Wednesday the cry was even stronger. At group, I shared these things that I had written in our primer book, making myself vulnerable and exposing myself ....and realized that, for whatever reason, I had stopped letting myself be vulnerable.. It was hard. For the first time, being honest about what was really going on with me was hard.. More and more, I was realizing just how far I'd slipped.
The Lord answers prayers, that's for sure! Today (Thursday) was so breath-takingly glorious - I saw Jesus everywhere! Twice I was complimented on my smile and how it encouraged people after seeing the Lord in them, working through them, etc. had encouraged me! Blessing after blessing after opportunity to worship after opportunity to share His great love!
Tomorrow is going to be even better, I just know it. God is so good!
pressure & praise
I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately. Not just from one person but from a few. And definitely feeling like I'm being pulled in a million different directions. It's not that I don't want to help... it's that I feel like it's expected of me. Like I'm obligated to a lot of the things I've been doing lately.
Thankfully, most of the things I'm talking about are things I want to be involved in, help with, and carry the name of Christ into... At the same time, I need rest - I know I do. Rest as in time for just me and God... Time to help me. Man, I could so use insurance right about now... just to go to the doctor and get affirmative peace of mind. I'm sure it's just from stress.
New topic: My little sister is such a blessing to me. Just hearing her telling an old friend about how I've changed, let God into my life, let Him heal me and how I'm living for Him... all I can do is praise God for her.. and cry, lol. oi..
Thankfully, most of the things I'm talking about are things I want to be involved in, help with, and carry the name of Christ into... At the same time, I need rest - I know I do. Rest as in time for just me and God... Time to help me. Man, I could so use insurance right about now... just to go to the doctor and get affirmative peace of mind. I'm sure it's just from stress.
New topic: My little sister is such a blessing to me. Just hearing her telling an old friend about how I've changed, let God into my life, let Him heal me and how I'm living for Him... all I can do is praise God for her.. and cry, lol. oi..
Lord...
Dear Jesus,
Please tell me You are coming back soon. Because lately I'm feeling overwhelmed... and I haven't even started yet. I know that You live inside of me.. help me figure out how to stop suffocating You in there... help me live a life worthy of having You in there to begin with! I'm so tired of being so spoiled that my day can be discouraged by meaningless conversations and interactions I have with people... Lord, the conversations and interactions don't seem or feel meaningless but in comparison to You and Your story... it really is trivial. Lord, help me make such a big deal out of You all the time! I know if I could do that that You could use me for greater things... the life You have planned for me!
Lord I don't want to end up stuck here... and overwhelming days like today don't help. I'm fully aware that I can't do everything, I don't want to, I know I need You.. but it seems like everyone else expects me to do everything.. I'm so worn out.. I said a few times today that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with all of this but really I meant YOU, I can see You through all of this... So why don't I understand that seeing You is so much better than just getting through this overwhelming mess?
Is discouragement a trial? Today it seemed to be coming at me from every angle.. even the most unexpected ones. More and more this world is NOTHING that I want.. Today leaves me wanting to do nothing but be alone with You.. Maybe that's what I should've done instead. Lord, forgive me for forgetting that letting You down is infinitely worse than letting my fellow Christians down.
I need You, Lord.
Please tell me You are coming back soon. Because lately I'm feeling overwhelmed... and I haven't even started yet. I know that You live inside of me.. help me figure out how to stop suffocating You in there... help me live a life worthy of having You in there to begin with! I'm so tired of being so spoiled that my day can be discouraged by meaningless conversations and interactions I have with people... Lord, the conversations and interactions don't seem or feel meaningless but in comparison to You and Your story... it really is trivial. Lord, help me make such a big deal out of You all the time! I know if I could do that that You could use me for greater things... the life You have planned for me!
Lord I don't want to end up stuck here... and overwhelming days like today don't help. I'm fully aware that I can't do everything, I don't want to, I know I need You.. but it seems like everyone else expects me to do everything.. I'm so worn out.. I said a few times today that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with all of this but really I meant YOU, I can see You through all of this... So why don't I understand that seeing You is so much better than just getting through this overwhelming mess?
Is discouragement a trial? Today it seemed to be coming at me from every angle.. even the most unexpected ones. More and more this world is NOTHING that I want.. Today leaves me wanting to do nothing but be alone with You.. Maybe that's what I should've done instead. Lord, forgive me for forgetting that letting You down is infinitely worse than letting my fellow Christians down.
I need You, Lord.
the moment of.. 'Stop'
So glad it's Friday night. My body has been trying to get sick for a couple days now and... unless I sleep it off tonight, my body is going to temporarily win. My throat is so sore and I'm feeling really worn out. Ha, I should've known Wednesday when I was fighting to stay awake in a meeting that this way coming. So yeah, I'm glad it's Friday night - Saturday is usually my most laid back day. While my body may be needing rest, my spirit is so high today. I had a meeting out just south of the airport today that was so incredibly fun that I feel so hopeful again.. I walked out feeling a little taller (and not because of the shoes, haha!).
After work, I stopped by to visit with Granny (plus she said I had mail and a box of stuff). I love her so much. It was good to see her having such a good day.. We talked about family, what was weighing on her heart and then about church and HomeworkNight! I love it whenever Granny is able to be pro- whatever it is I'm also involved in, she's like my cheerleader in those moments.
I guess the point of this blog is really because today seems like one of those times when I'm able to see the world outside of myself... and realize how much change has been happening in my life and directly around me. It's honestly been a whirlwind.. Even sitting in the office south of town today and writing out alllllllll of the places I've lived in the past five years and having to make extra lines because there was only four lines made me realize how much I almost seem to constantly go through changes... So the point... The best way to describe it, I guess, is through trying to provide a visual. Visual: I'll tie it into physics.. Anytime a bullet is shot straight into the air (or a rock shot straight into the air from a sling shot), there's that moment in time when the bullet (or rock) actually stops.. It's not moving up and it's not quite yet falling. It's simply... in the air. Today feels like that moment for me.. though it's not really about climbing and falling so much as it is coming to a 'stop' before my 'direction' is about to change and take off rocketing again.
Part of me is sad and afraid, wanting to cling to where I am.. But it's also good.. Some things might be easier, many things are going to be harder but I know that God has it all planned out. In some ways I do feel like I've failed so far, especially as far as leadership goes. And it's tempting to be discouraged and think that with this upcoming change, I'll be even further away from where God wants me than when it started.. That I'm not even going to have time for it all now... It's been so easy to fit time in for things with where I've been the past nine months or so..
...it's that moment of 'stop' when it's all just... in the air.
After work, I stopped by to visit with Granny (plus she said I had mail and a box of stuff). I love her so much. It was good to see her having such a good day.. We talked about family, what was weighing on her heart and then about church and HomeworkNight! I love it whenever Granny is able to be pro- whatever it is I'm also involved in, she's like my cheerleader in those moments.
I guess the point of this blog is really because today seems like one of those times when I'm able to see the world outside of myself... and realize how much change has been happening in my life and directly around me. It's honestly been a whirlwind.. Even sitting in the office south of town today and writing out alllllllll of the places I've lived in the past five years and having to make extra lines because there was only four lines made me realize how much I almost seem to constantly go through changes... So the point... The best way to describe it, I guess, is through trying to provide a visual. Visual: I'll tie it into physics.. Anytime a bullet is shot straight into the air (or a rock shot straight into the air from a sling shot), there's that moment in time when the bullet (or rock) actually stops.. It's not moving up and it's not quite yet falling. It's simply... in the air. Today feels like that moment for me.. though it's not really about climbing and falling so much as it is coming to a 'stop' before my 'direction' is about to change and take off rocketing again.
Part of me is sad and afraid, wanting to cling to where I am.. But it's also good.. Some things might be easier, many things are going to be harder but I know that God has it all planned out. In some ways I do feel like I've failed so far, especially as far as leadership goes. And it's tempting to be discouraged and think that with this upcoming change, I'll be even further away from where God wants me than when it started.. That I'm not even going to have time for it all now... It's been so easy to fit time in for things with where I've been the past nine months or so..
...it's that moment of 'stop' when it's all just... in the air.
Jesus prayed
John 17:6-19
6 “I have revealed you[a] to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. 7 Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. 8 For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. 9 I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. 10 All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. 11 I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of[b] your name, the name you gave me, so that they may be one as we are one. 12 While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by[c] that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled.
6 “I have revealed you[a] to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. 7 Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. 8 For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. 9 I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. 10 All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. 11 I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of[b] your name, the name you gave me, so that they may be one as we are one. 12 While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by[c] that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled.
13 “I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them.14 I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. 15 My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. 16 They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. 17 Sanctify them by[d] the truth; your word is truth. 18 As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. 19 For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.
Breathtaking. The love from Jesus just pours out in His prayer. Go back and read each verse by itself a couple times.. Man.
It's already February..
A month. It's already been a month. And still no luck. I know things will work out according to God's plan and I've been good with that.. It's just hard waiting. But I know worrying isn't going to make things happen any faster.. (I've even said this to the worry-wart I'm trying to influence and showed her what it looked like to not worry... not that she cares, really.)
A month of what seems like constant trial... Life is definitely interesting, to say the least. Each day throws a curve ball from a completely different angle. I know if I wasn't connected to the Father, it would seem like chaos right now, I'm sure. But I've learned that if I become discouraged at any moment, I have to force myself to stop, realign my thoughts to HIS plan and who HE is, wrap myself in His truth, and worship Him for who He is.
So here I still am, rejoicing through the trials.. and needing sleep to come and a headache to go away.
A month of what seems like constant trial... Life is definitely interesting, to say the least. Each day throws a curve ball from a completely different angle. I know if I wasn't connected to the Father, it would seem like chaos right now, I'm sure. But I've learned that if I become discouraged at any moment, I have to force myself to stop, realign my thoughts to HIS plan and who HE is, wrap myself in His truth, and worship Him for who He is.
So here I still am, rejoicing through the trials.. and needing sleep to come and a headache to go away.
I have a ROOM!!
I have a room!! And it's mine. I can walk around in it, there's a CHAIR in here that reclines... I have a bedside table. There's a lamp on it. The lamp works! It's on right now. Mom bought me a SHELF to put my stuff on!! And cubes! Cubes to put things in and keep my stuff organized. I have a closet again so I hung all my clothes in it today, hung my shoe rack holder thing in it, too. Oh and there's a shelf across the top of the closet that I've put other stuff on until I have more time to go through and get things organized better. And the parents hung one of my paintings on the wall. Mom even helped my re-organize the furniture in the room to the way I wanted my room set up.. It's silly how something so simple like having a room that I can really call mine brings me to tears.. but it does. I finally feel like I have a home.. I even have a key to the screen door so I can't be locked out. This almost seems like a dream.
Rejoicing through Trials
I'm slowly learning that if I want to have time to reflect, breathe, and sort things out before an avalanche of influences, opinions, etc. come my way, I should hold off on sharing / blogging / updating my status / even texting a friend about it.
That being said, here comes a blog post!
A week ago now, I moved back to mom and Wayne's and Seth moved to a friend's. (I miss him already.) A week.. wow, it went by so fast and there was so much packed into it. It wasn't until today that I had time to unpack anything at all. I thought I was going to have more time but didn't - but at least I got some of my clothes hung up! I can at least get to my closet a little easier now.
I always say that I would be bored if my life was easy and that I would probably go insane because I wouldn't know what to do... lol, I still stand by that - as crazy as life has continued to get lately, I'm just more and more grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. He gives my life - all the headaches and heart breaks - hope and purpose. Purpose.. I like that.
This week just keeps me focused on Him even more. I'm so thankful to have heard from the Father while at Passion, that He has me in a state of preparation right now - knowing that through everything that has been going on lately has given me so much peace. I really feel so connected to Him these past few days that I'm starting to understand exactly how it is completely possible to rejoice while going through trials. "Be prepared," is what has been on my brain lately.
Rejoicing through the trials - It's an honor to be on mission, carrying the name of Jesus with my life.
Trials teach me to trust Christ, to give Him the control, to stay surrendered to Him.
Trials help me praise Him for every breath and understand that He has a purpose for each one of them.
Trials build character in me as a follower of Christ, as a woman, as a friend, as a leader.
Trials make me stronger and rely on Him to be strong when I am not.
Trials test my ability to use the gifts that the Father has given me.
Trials give me confidence in Him as my Lord that He will come through, nothing can stop Him.
Trials provide me more experience with the hard things in life and different ways to handle them with Christ.
Trials prepare me for the Lord's will for my life, my ministry.. my purpose.
Again, I stand by it when I say that I'd be bored if my life was easy and there weren't any trials.. I'm falling more and more in love with the Father. I want everything He has planned for me and I don't want Him to hold back. I'm thinking that He has designed me for hard things.
So my family is falling apart, broken, and dysfunctional - I love them more because of the Father. I've had to move yet again - It's a blessing, really, that I even have a home. I've had absolutely no luck in finding a job - I'm trusting in HIS plan for my life and that includes today, tomorrow, and every day after that. But really, all in all... this portion of my life is a walk in the park compared to things that I've been through before.
My life is only a disaster when I'm trying to be the one in control. When I let the Lord reign over my life, I'm right (perfectly) where I need to be. What's better than that?!
Momentum
Man oh man, HomeworkNight is so gaining momentum, it's so gotta be close to impossible to have not heard something about HomeworkNight in Lake Charles. The press and local news are so all over this! Jesus is all over this! I'm so pumped!
I'm even more pumped when I take into consideration that the more the city looks like it's going to be different, the harder my own personal life seems to be getting. You know what that means? That's right, it means Satan is scared and trying all sorts of tricks to knock this momentum out of God's equation.
So just when I feel like I don't have enough time to fit everything in during the week, it's time to fit MORE time in for Jesus in prayer, through God's word, through conversation about Him with the family...
Lord, we need you now more than ever.
I'm even more pumped when I take into consideration that the more the city looks like it's going to be different, the harder my own personal life seems to be getting. You know what that means? That's right, it means Satan is scared and trying all sorts of tricks to knock this momentum out of God's equation.
So just when I feel like I don't have enough time to fit everything in during the week, it's time to fit MORE time in for Jesus in prayer, through God's word, through conversation about Him with the family...
Lord, we need you now more than ever.
Night 2
So tired. Homework Night was so inspiring, I can't wait to see what next week brings. But today I'm so tired, lol! It wasn't 8pm before I was tired and could've gone to bed.. and probably should have. Lord, I need rest right now to even attempt to get through this week because it is so packed.. I need your help for sure. You're the one who is worth it.
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there is a lesson in everything
Same book, same purpose.. different chapter. Tomorrow I'm moving from the grandparents' house back home to mom and Wayne's. While it's a great relief and a blessing to be able to move back home, my heart feels heavy..
before I go off on a tangent, here's what the blog was started for:
Lessons learned so far (on a tired brain)...
1. I want the people in my life to know without a doubt that they are loved because they are God's beloved.
2. I want the people in my life to not only feel their worth but know how valuable they are.
3. I need to stop talking more often and listen.
4. I can't fix or control or reverse the aging process.
5. My heart breaks easier than I ever thought imaginable.
6. If I feel like I'm in control, I should prepare for a crash landing - check my heart, check my pride, am I in control?
(to be continued)
My heart feels heavy... Not because of the hurtful things my grandfather said to me, not because Seth and I are both moving to different places.. mostly because more and more I'm seeing signs of just how much my grandparents are aging. I've never experienced someone growing old and in a way, I feel like a child going to the Father - not understanding much at all about what's happening but broken-hearted from the fact that it's happening to begin with. Today it all sank in a little more that their minds are aging, he doesn't remember things that he says and doesn't have a clue.. She can have entire conversations with me and not remember she even saw me.. For months I've been walking on eggshells without a way to defend myself other than not let the things they say get to me (which is hard). I'm only realizing now just how much it affected me.
ugh, so tired.. so much to blog but I need sleep more than i need to blog.
before I go off on a tangent, here's what the blog was started for:
Lessons learned so far (on a tired brain)...
1. I want the people in my life to know without a doubt that they are loved because they are God's beloved.
2. I want the people in my life to not only feel their worth but know how valuable they are.
3. I need to stop talking more often and listen.
4. I can't fix or control or reverse the aging process.
5. My heart breaks easier than I ever thought imaginable.
6. If I feel like I'm in control, I should prepare for a crash landing - check my heart, check my pride, am I in control?
(to be continued)
My heart feels heavy... Not because of the hurtful things my grandfather said to me, not because Seth and I are both moving to different places.. mostly because more and more I'm seeing signs of just how much my grandparents are aging. I've never experienced someone growing old and in a way, I feel like a child going to the Father - not understanding much at all about what's happening but broken-hearted from the fact that it's happening to begin with. Today it all sank in a little more that their minds are aging, he doesn't remember things that he says and doesn't have a clue.. She can have entire conversations with me and not remember she even saw me.. For months I've been walking on eggshells without a way to defend myself other than not let the things they say get to me (which is hard). I'm only realizing now just how much it affected me.
ugh, so tired.. so much to blog but I need sleep more than i need to blog.
Life a little easier.
Today I figured out how to use the internet on my phone provide internet to the laptop. The first attempt didn't let me access email, blogger, onthecity... but I could get on facebook! lol.. The second attempt is how I'm now blogging. Oh! And the application sends any texts I receive while using the internet to my computer and I can text back without skipping a beat.
Essentially... I have internet at home now! Ahhhhh, so good.
Today has just been absolutely amazing... Walk for Education to promote Homework Night, 42 people signed up to be mentors, it didn't rain until RIGHT when we got to Zion Tabernacle, we got to see the brand new beautiful building at Zion with all the classrooms, lunch from Fresh Tacos, spending 2nd half of day with the fam, and internet at the hizzie!
It's only 8:30pm and I feel like I could sleep for the next day. Praying the knee & hip-joint are right as rain en la manana.
Essentially... I have internet at home now! Ahhhhh, so good.
Today has just been absolutely amazing... Walk for Education to promote Homework Night, 42 people signed up to be mentors, it didn't rain until RIGHT when we got to Zion Tabernacle, we got to see the brand new beautiful building at Zion with all the classrooms, lunch from Fresh Tacos, spending 2nd half of day with the fam, and internet at the hizzie!
It's only 8:30pm and I feel like I could sleep for the next day. Praying the knee & hip-joint are right as rain en la manana.
2nd Sunday @ Beans
Maaaan, I was so nervous this morning. But also excited!
It was our 2nd Sunday gathering at our new location (Stellar Beans coffee) for theCityChurch, the first Sunday gathering that my drums made an appearance (no, I did not play but Dave will teach me!), and I've known since Thursday that I was going to be the one to share my testimony of how God has been working in my life and what I've learned recently on my walk with Christ (see the post prior to this one).
I was so excited, I love talking about my Heavenly Father! I could go on for hours if given the opportunity to do so! ..but so far everyone else had only taken a couple minutes to share their story.. I know I'm long winded when it comes to how I've seen and felt God at work so the nerves started... Oh man, if I'm not careful it'll be 2 o-clock before anyone gets to exchange their prayer requests, haha. I'd journaled my thoughts earlier in the week to capture them before my A.D.D. had a chance to demolished them and then put them here on my blog.. which I think only enabled my nerves to get me jittery even more.
After worship, Paul gave me my cue. [First mental note - Pattie, don't forget there are kids present, haha!] I'd been praying during worship and clearing my head of anything other than Jesus and my tiny little story. A minute or so into sharing, I froze!! [Second mental note - Jesus is so much more amazing that this story, those drums we played in here last Sunday evening were amazing too (sounds of the drums rang through my head).. I like Stellar Beans, we have church here. OH! Wait, that's now and I am speaking!! ugh, attention deficit disorder strikes again.] I pulled my thoughts back together and admitted I was nervous. Yes! That was exactly what I needed to say because as soon as I said that I was nervous to the church gathered, it seemed so silly - I know everyone there (almost) and like half of them already know my testimony. I continued on and then looked down next to Paul and saw the red light - I'm being recorded on video! [Third mental note - Agh!! lol.] Nah, it wasn't so bad. I did note out loud that I realized I was being filmed but continued. I don't like being filmed but at the same time... I'm so happy Paul thought of it. So many times I've wished things I'd said about what I've learned, seen, experienced on my walk with Christ had been recorded because sometimes they just fly out of me and I generally forget to write any of it down. I've "joked" about audio-recording my life to help me learn and grow... I don't know, it's weird.. once I realized the camera was going, my words just felt easier and I wanted to talk about the Lord even more. Then Dave started agreeing with me out loud about what I'd learned. Man, that was such encouragement to me! It wasn't until the end that it dawned on me that there was a non-Christian in the room! And one that I've recently met and been hanging around outside of the "church setting."
Then Paul gave a message on prayer. I'm always down for hearing about prayer and learning more about praying and.. praying! I appreciate Paul's way of presenting the Gospel in a way that's easy to remember.. And how he keeps it real.. Jesus said ask, seek, and knock... So we should ask, seek, and knock. (And the knocking on the brick wall while seeking God and talking/praying to Him was actually good - I mean really, if while seeking God we were lead to a brick wall and Jesus had said to knock, we'd knock!)
After the message, Paul had me pull a chair up and sit so that everyone could pray over me. At first it was a little weird having so many hands on me but then Tara took me hand and my brothers and sisters began to pray over me... it was so positively comforting, I don't really know how to describe it but I felt God in that moment so strong in the little huddle. I opened my eyes at one point as if expecting to see Him right there in front of me.
I feel so filled with God's presence and goodness, I'm even more excited to see what this week brings.
Oh!! And I didn't cry!! =D
It was our 2nd Sunday gathering at our new location (Stellar Beans coffee) for theCityChurch, the first Sunday gathering that my drums made an appearance (no, I did not play but Dave will teach me!), and I've known since Thursday that I was going to be the one to share my testimony of how God has been working in my life and what I've learned recently on my walk with Christ (see the post prior to this one).
I was so excited, I love talking about my Heavenly Father! I could go on for hours if given the opportunity to do so! ..but so far everyone else had only taken a couple minutes to share their story.. I know I'm long winded when it comes to how I've seen and felt God at work so the nerves started... Oh man, if I'm not careful it'll be 2 o-clock before anyone gets to exchange their prayer requests, haha. I'd journaled my thoughts earlier in the week to capture them before my A.D.D. had a chance to demolished them and then put them here on my blog.. which I think only enabled my nerves to get me jittery even more.
After worship, Paul gave me my cue. [First mental note - Pattie, don't forget there are kids present, haha!] I'd been praying during worship and clearing my head of anything other than Jesus and my tiny little story. A minute or so into sharing, I froze!! [Second mental note - Jesus is so much more amazing that this story, those drums we played in here last Sunday evening were amazing too (sounds of the drums rang through my head).. I like Stellar Beans, we have church here. OH! Wait, that's now and I am speaking!! ugh, attention deficit disorder strikes again.] I pulled my thoughts back together and admitted I was nervous. Yes! That was exactly what I needed to say because as soon as I said that I was nervous to the church gathered, it seemed so silly - I know everyone there (almost) and like half of them already know my testimony. I continued on and then looked down next to Paul and saw the red light - I'm being recorded on video! [Third mental note - Agh!! lol.] Nah, it wasn't so bad. I did note out loud that I realized I was being filmed but continued. I don't like being filmed but at the same time... I'm so happy Paul thought of it. So many times I've wished things I'd said about what I've learned, seen, experienced on my walk with Christ had been recorded because sometimes they just fly out of me and I generally forget to write any of it down. I've "joked" about audio-recording my life to help me learn and grow... I don't know, it's weird.. once I realized the camera was going, my words just felt easier and I wanted to talk about the Lord even more. Then Dave started agreeing with me out loud about what I'd learned. Man, that was such encouragement to me! It wasn't until the end that it dawned on me that there was a non-Christian in the room! And one that I've recently met and been hanging around outside of the "church setting."
Then Paul gave a message on prayer. I'm always down for hearing about prayer and learning more about praying and.. praying! I appreciate Paul's way of presenting the Gospel in a way that's easy to remember.. And how he keeps it real.. Jesus said ask, seek, and knock... So we should ask, seek, and knock. (And the knocking on the brick wall while seeking God and talking/praying to Him was actually good - I mean really, if while seeking God we were lead to a brick wall and Jesus had said to knock, we'd knock!)
After the message, Paul had me pull a chair up and sit so that everyone could pray over me. At first it was a little weird having so many hands on me but then Tara took me hand and my brothers and sisters began to pray over me... it was so positively comforting, I don't really know how to describe it but I felt God in that moment so strong in the little huddle. I opened my eyes at one point as if expecting to see Him right there in front of me.
I feel so filled with God's presence and goodness, I'm even more excited to see what this week brings.
Oh!! And I didn't cry!! =D
Re-Wreckless Abandon starting now
Let me give you a little back story… Up until 2 years ago, I’d been living my life with me as the ultimate star which included drugs, alcoholism, lesbian lifestyle, parties, fights, living for adrenaline, and couldn’t care less if there was a God or not. Then came two sudden deaths in the family and my suddenly happy life was falling apart and there wasn’t enough alcohol or conquests to be had to make it any better… That’s when I came to know Jesus as my Lord in the Crystal’s parking lot through a stranger who shared the Gospel with me.. Fast-forward a little ways and, thanks to the Lord’s healing and grace, my life looks NOTHING like any of the things it once was filled with.
For a couple months now, I’ve been praying to reconnect with God and grow. About a year or so ago, Paul explained what he meant when he said he was proud of me – part of it being how teachable I was, and how I didn’t act like I knew everything… Where did that girl go? When did I start thinking that I knew everything? Because that is the farthest thing from the truth, man I need to RUN from this and back to God.
This past week started out in heartbreak for my own foolish mistakes. And even in the middle of my heartache of my own doing, feeling like I’d failed and deserved this punishment, Paul was there saying it’s not punishment, God is the redeemer of lost days, He works all things together for good and.. “Pattie, I believe in you.” Wait.. what?? Hold on.. It didn’t make any sense to me at first, I was struggling to believe he was being serious. That he was just trying to make me feel better.. But I know Paul, I trust Paul… So what am I not understanding in all of this?
Galatians / Philippians.. God help me see the good in all of this, help me see it’s for the best.. and quick!
Reading Philippians, I realized that my life is so different than it was a year ago and NOT for the better. My life used to be lining up with what God’s word says, I got lost.
Galatians 4:8-16 – I’ve read Galatians so many times but this time it was like I’d just received this letter in the mail with MY name on it.. I knew what I’d been doing wrong, it just hadn’t sunk in how wrong or destructive all of it was until this very moment when God used His words to break through to me – I’ve been treating my leader like he was the ground I walked on and he never deserved it, not one moment of it, not even for a second… And yet he still believes in me.
Where I went wrong: I decided to start leading myself, thinking I knew everything and could do it on my own. Not only did I shut my leader out but I was shutting God’s word out and getting everything twisted.. essentially, I spent the past year tearing myself down without realizing it. But who would’ve known that from the outside, right? I mean I wasn’t smoking, I wasn’t drinking, I was being sexually pure, I wasn’t doing drugs, or getting into fights… I never stopped praying, never stopped believing or worshipping.. Stayed in community and have even been helping plant a church… So I was following all the rules… Great job! That makes me a Pharisee! …where has my heart been?
Now more than ever, I am so thankful he is my leader and still wants to lead me.. and believes in me. I need a leader.. and I need to listen to him because I’m likely NOT right and need to learn so that I can grow. I could mourn over the past year but No! I have so been rejoicing this week that I am a new creation and confident in my Lord who has great plans for this new chapter of my life.
So I’m taking up my cross again in the wreckless abandon style and running to Jesus. I so don’t want my life to make sense without Him and I don’t want to be caught sleeping when He returns. I have joy in how the Lord is working it all together, I see even more how He is preparing me for greater things.. like missions in Africa.
My God's not dead, He's living on the inside... Roaring like a lion!
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