ADD Addiction

With everything going on, including being sick with different things for almost a week, running out of my ADD medicine was not something I was looking forward to.. at the same time, I knew it was going to happen.

I prepared myself for it the best i knew how and even tried telling myself that i hadn't actually run out.. but my body wasn't listening. Day one and i already had a raging migraine that was on the path of putting me in all system shut down mode. I have no clue how many excedrine i went thru yesterday but it still wasn't enough. My body hurt everywhere, like millions of little needles injecting poison that was making it harder to move muscles.

I've gone through the withdrawals before so I at least knew what to expect. I knew that my muscles weren't actually shutting down but it's still hard to function through the pain that my body tells me I'm experiencing .. so i just kept telling myself that there wasn't actually anything hurting me.

The last time I went without meds, the withdrawals just continued getting worse - for the entire two weeks I was waiting for the moment when it would get easier, the withdrawals would ease off only... that didn't happen. The thing about it is I knew that it wasn't actually going to kill me.. it just felt like it should.

So here i was again, i thought, and praying for most of the day since i SO was in tune with the fact that i needed God for every single step, every single sensory, every single moment. I was trying to come to terms with the fact that i just was going to have to get through this, praying that somehow i would still be able to function and keep my job.. that those close to me would be understanding.. but mostly that God would help.

And then i was sponsored. My meds were paid for. And i am so absolutely humbled and grateful. And addicted. I've known this for a while and i just avoid it. God, I'm do weak.. but thankful that He made a way and used the people that love me to prolong the inevitable.

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Baptism videos part 3

Ryan Nugent's baptism

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Baptism videos part 2

Katie Breazeale's baptism

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Baptism Videos!

Kori Rae's baptism

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Staring at the Stars

Two years has really flown by, I'm like checking my pockets to see where it went..
Sunday was the 2nd anniversary of Tod's death. I didn't expect it to hit me this hard at all.. especially not half way through the week. I've filled my days as much as I possibly can only to realize I'm only prolonging facing what's really going on. And causing others to worry and stumble spiritually.. and then get frustrated with them.
I felt stupid for even being this upset about a death that was two years ago.. until tonight at the park. I was so worn out that I just wanted to go home. Instead, Ryan & I went and laid in the grass and stared up at the stars. We talked for a few minutes and then I realized that I was doing EXACTLY what I did two years ago (before I knew God). I was laying down outside, staring up at the stars fighting back the pain of losing someone I loved so much.. and I realized that I'd never let myself grieve or show any emotion for it. Did Tod even know God? Where is Tod? I can't make an exception (mentally) simply because I love him.. so out there in the grass I just... cried. I spent an amazing 5 minutes with God as I just cried.. I felt His comfort wash over me. Not like an 'everything is ok' comfort.. but His love for my breaking heart.. I so love God for that, I'm so thankful that I can pour my heart out to Him and feel His love through all of my trouble and worries.

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No Room for Avoidance

A couple days ago, the subject of counseling came into conversation.. namely me going to counseling. The thought of it makes me want to run and hide. I know it will be good for me, healing and help me grow as a leader, but I'm honestly terrified. I know it wont be anything like what I went through in high school, but.. I'm scared.

I made up my mind that counseling probably is what I need when my initial reaction/thought was "it's not worth the money"... i quickly realized that the It i was talking about was me.. i was telling myself i wasn't worth counseling. W. O. W. Thats a problem.

Problem - I don't want to have to deal with this...
Truth - I'm dealing with it everyday.

Problem - everything I've got in me is screaming at me to run! Especially from the one that wants me to go to counseling & knows it will help..
Truth - I don't have any room for avoidance anymore. I don't have a choice. And honestly, who would let me go into hiding?

I feel like I'm in the middle of an intersection right now.. I know which way I need to go but I can't get my car in gear to go yet..

Some days, like today when I'm really having to convince myself to go through this, I feel like I'm only going in reverse.. back to stuff I thought I'd already gotten thru like.. This whole thing just really sucks. Why me? Why did it have to happen to me? I don't want to even have this problem to begin with.. I didn't ask for this, i certainly didn't want it.. and i feel like I'm just burdening everyone by having to deal with it at all.. Why did i keep it a secret for so many years? And that's when i realize all over again that I'm blaming myself and ashamed.. when i shouldn't be. And yes it sucks that this happened but i can't change the fact that it happened & I'm not in heaven yet either (tho that would be so much easier)... i know that God will use this for good, and that I'm not the only one that this has happened to..
I'm just scared.. what is it like to not have the issues of abuse weighing on you? I realized today that I have no clue what that freedom feels like.. and also realized that it breaks my heart to know that I'm terrified to get there. It doesn't even make sense! Why would anyone be terrified of freedom?!

So I got my hair cut and curled today to make myself feel better & temporarily distract myself. It worked for a little while...

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Learn as You Go

I've noticed lately, as I've been reflecting on myself and how I react when communicating with others, well.. I've noticed a lot of things really. Like how easily conditioned I am (this really bothers me).. it generally only takes a couple times of getting the same results from something for me to always expect those results. Ugh!!
I've also noticed that I do some of the exact things to people that when they do it to me, I feel terribly discouraged. (Like not taking a moment to hear someone out.. instantly coming back with what I want to say, what I want to have on the table.. why do I do that?)
Part of my personality and the way I communicate is that I'm always expecting a lesson or to learn something from everything. Its just how my brain works. Very rarely do I think that people are simply talking rather than sharing information or something I need to learn from..
I've also noticed that I'm used to people giving up on me and therefore I'm used to things not working out and never going anywhere.. so I keep finding myself @ a point still expecting things to not work out and God keeps showing me that they are working out.. and I keep finding myself at a point where I don't understand the fact that Paul (especially, he puts up w/ me daily) hasn't given up on me.. not that I want him to give up, its just what I'm used to.. I can't help but think of Jesus and how He never quits.
The living situation makes reconditioning my mind more difficult.. I'm struggling lately with the transition each day.. at home I walk on eggshells around my grandfather to keep from fighting with him, we dont talk about anything meaningful, and I'm not allowed to voice my opinion... when I'm not at home / I'm at work, Paul wants me to communicate, voice my opinions, share my ideas, discuss things, be open, honest... and I'm struggling with even wanting to be vulnerable.
Its wearing on me more lately, I'm staying tired, emotionally on edge, and stuck somewhere in the middle of both worlds.. its really like servant vs royalty (home vs work).

I know God has a plan for all of this and that He really does make all things work together for my good.. I'm going on faith that He will get me to that point .. I've just gotta hold on and learn as I go.. I'm just saying if it could be sooner rather than later, that would be awesome.

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