exactly where He wants me to be

Today was definitely one for the books (...or the blog!).

Since Saturday, I've been stuck with a migraine that I absolutely could not shake.  I had tried everything and was ready to give up and go to the doctor for the procedure I would have to go through if it did not stop.  Everyone had been praying for me and I had been making the most of my week that I could through the pain.  This morning... It wasn't hurting anymore!  Thank you, Lord.

So I was at the office today, working on paperwork and preparing for my presentations tomorrow at a high school, and hanging out with Sabrina - I love when I'm able to have company in the office while I work.  After lunch, I got an email from one of my Student Mentors.  Her mom had been in ICU all week and she hadn't been able to complete her assignments for the week.  I quickly responded, letting her know that she was more than welcome to have an extension until our next meeting, that I would be praying for her and her mom, and if there was anything I could do to help for her to let me know.  I prayed and then was thankful that the Mentor had contacted me when she was in a bind - this is something I highly stressed to the team at our meeting last Friday.

Almost immediately after our e-mails, another one of my Student Mentors called me on my cell.  As usual, I answered excitedly (I love when the mentors contact me! My team rocks!)  ....on the other end, he did not sound excited at all.  My heart sank as he asked if he could be pulled from the team... I couldn't even really respond so I told him I was listening, tell me what's going on.  He explained to me that he remembered from the meeting how much I stressed to them to let me know when things aren't going so good and how his wife had left him... how he didn't think he would have the time to devote to the team now... he sounded so down...

Ephesians 5:1-2 says "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."  And John 13:34 says "A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

So again, I say that I love my mentor team.  My response flooded naturally from me. (Let's call the mentor "Joe" to make the next part easier to communicate to you.)

NO.  No, Joe, I can't let you do that.  I know I told you all at the meeting that if things became overwhelming for you that I would pull you from the team but this is different.. You've just lost something more valuable than I can imagine, I can't let you leave the team right now.  What I WILL do is waive all participation requirements for you, Joe, and I want you to come anytime you CAN participate with us and I will send you any and every update through e-mail that I can... Joe, this is exactly what the mentor team is for - being the family you need to help you make it through when things get hard.  I just can't let you give up.

He was quiet for a moment and then began to thank me a few times, he was blown away by how much I wanted him to stay on the team through this hurricane that's going through his life.. and grateful. 

"One more thing... You've just done so much for me but.. I really need a job now.  Do you know anyone that's hiring?"  I told him to send me a resume (whip one together), I would fix it over the Mardi Gras break, and help him do searching until we found him something..  By the end of the conversation, Joe sounded like he had more hope than when I first answered the phone call.

I got off the phone after holding it together on the phone, cupped my face in my hands, and turned around to Sabrina to explain what happened ....and I cried.  Gosh, I want to again just sharing again his story.  Lord, I praise you for my job.. I praise you for "Joe" and I crossing paths.. I praise you for the phone call and being able to love with no strings or regrets just.. love.. help.. show compassion.. Lord, thank you.

So then a while later, Logan (another student - not a mentor) came in and the three of us got to talking, sharing God's truth with Sabrina about some of the things she is struggling with.. Man, the conversation got super real for a while and I praise you for using me through that today as well, Lord. 

Then Sabrina mentioned praying for a new job.. "You should apply places," I said.  "Places that are closed on Sunday like.. darrells, hobby lobby, pappys.. Hey! Stellar Beans is closed on Sundays!"  So Sabrina used my phone to call Stellar.  They weren't hiring but the lady from GiGi's was there and she needed someone to start work this coming Monday!  We raced from Sowela to Stellar to meet with the lady... Sabrina got the job!!!!!

All in all... God is so good.  Like.. Perfectly good.  I am absolutely honored, humbled, in adoration of our Lord, the Father... Jesus.  Oh man.. A super tough, emotional, and beautifully breath-taking day to be walking with the Lord.

I live for this.

Quicksand

I've been feeling really lost lately... Even just writing about this is really hard... Man, praying on it with my community group tonight was really hard, I almost passed because the last thing I want is a ton of attention or people thinking I'm crying out for something... I mean in a way, I am, but not anything anyone in the group can give me.

I'd love to blame it on the new work environment, and maybe that's got a bit to do with it, but it's not like it started there... I don't know where it started, but it's been a slow drift for     m o n t h s.

Lately it seems the harder I try to focus on Christ, the more I'm falling behind and drifting.  This past week... ugh, it's really like the Pattie that once was so crazy fired up, living for Christ, is a girl I once knew.. Lord, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of discouragement.. More like quicksand, I've been fighting to find solid land for months and I'm just barely keeping my head above the earth to breathe and it's taking all of my energy.  Where is the solid ground, Lord?  When is it going to stop?  I'm so tired.  I just want to quit... But I can't.. I can't.  Because I know quitting would hurt so much worse than this... Lord, just wanting to quit hurts - I don't want to be here... Can't we just skip this part of my life?  Does my life always have to be so hard?  ...or is that how I got here in the first place, because I had a break for a little while?

Father, I need You so bad right now... Help me see that You're here.. You said You'll never leave me, teach me that it's true.

Father, if the quicksand is preparing me then keep me in it.. As much as is sucks I'd rather be in the quicksand, crying out for You, than anywhere without You, Lord.. I'd rather be drowning here than without You.

the moment of.. 'Stop'

So glad it's Friday night. My body has been trying to get sick for a couple days now and... unless I sleep it off tonight, my body is going to temporarily win. My throat is so sore and I'm feeling really worn out. Ha, I should've known Wednesday when I was fighting to stay awake in a meeting that this way coming. So yeah, I'm glad it's Friday night - Saturday is usually my most laid back day. While my body may be needing rest, my spirit is so high today. I had a meeting out just south of the airport today that was so incredibly fun that I feel so hopeful again.. I walked out feeling a little taller (and not because of the shoes, haha!).

After work, I stopped by to visit with Granny (plus she said I had mail and a box of stuff). I love her so much. It was good to see her having such a good day.. We talked about family, what was weighing on her heart and then about church and HomeworkNight! I love it whenever Granny is able to be pro- whatever it is I'm also involved in, she's like my cheerleader in those moments.

I guess the point of this blog is really because today seems like one of those times when I'm able to see the world outside of myself... and realize how much change has been happening in my life and directly around me.  It's honestly been a whirlwind.. Even sitting in the office south of town today and writing out alllllllll of the places I've lived in the past five years and having to make extra lines because there was only four lines made me realize how much I almost seem to constantly go through changes... So the point... The best way to describe it, I guess, is through trying to provide a visual. Visual: I'll tie it into physics.. Anytime a bullet is shot straight into the air (or a rock shot straight into the air from a sling shot), there's that moment in time when the bullet (or rock) actually stops.. It's not moving up and it's not quite yet falling. It's simply... in the air. Today feels like that moment for me.. though it's not really about climbing and falling so much as it is coming to a 'stop' before my 'direction' is about to change and take off rocketing again.

Part of me is sad and afraid, wanting to cling to where I am.. But it's also good.. Some things might be easier, many things are going to be harder but I know that God has it all planned out. In some ways I do feel like I've failed so far, especially as far as leadership goes. And it's tempting to be discouraged and think that with this upcoming change, I'll be even further away from where God wants me than when it started.. That I'm not even going to have time for it all now... It's been so easy to fit time in for things with where I've been the past nine months or so.. 


...it's that moment of 'stop' when it's all just... in the air.