there is a lesson in everything

Same book, same purpose.. different chapter.  Tomorrow I'm moving from the grandparents' house back home to mom and Wayne's.  While it's a great relief and a blessing to be able to move back home, my heart feels heavy..

before I go off on a tangent, here's what the blog was started for:

Lessons learned so far (on a tired brain)...
1.  I want the people in my life to know without a doubt that they are loved because they are God's beloved.
2.  I want the people in my life to not only feel their worth but know how valuable they are.
3.  I need to stop talking more often and listen.
4.  I can't fix or control or reverse the aging process.
5.  My heart breaks easier than I ever thought imaginable.
6.  If I feel like I'm in control, I should prepare for a crash landing - check my heart, check my pride, am I in control?
(to be continued)

My heart feels heavy... Not because of the hurtful things my grandfather said to me, not because Seth and I are both moving to different places.. mostly because more and more I'm seeing signs of just how much my grandparents are aging.  I've never experienced someone growing old and in a way, I feel like a child going to the Father - not understanding much at all about what's happening but broken-hearted from the fact that it's happening to begin with.  Today it all sank in a little more that their minds are aging, he doesn't remember things that he says and doesn't have a clue.. She can have entire conversations with me and not remember she even saw me.. For months I've been walking on eggshells without a way to defend myself other than not let the things they say get to me (which is hard).  I'm only realizing now just how much it affected me.


ugh, so tired.. so much to blog but I need sleep more than i need to blog.

save their souls

Won't you take this cup from me
Cause fear has stolen all my sleep
If tomorrow means my death
I pray you'll save their souls with it

Let the songs i sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words i say profess my love
Let the notes i choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

In this hour of doubt i see
But who i am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale

Let the songs i sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words i say profess my love
Let the notes i choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

Father let my heart be...
For you

Let the songs i sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words i say profess my love
Let the notes i choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

(Garden by Needtobreathe)
Man.. Arlene, that song so strikes a chord in my heart.

Cause fear has stolen all my sleep... and if tomorrow does mean my death, God, I beg of you.. save their souls through my death....

My grandfather is going to Houston Monday.. It's "the big day" we've been waiting for and.. not talking about, for months. They're going to try to fix his heart by.. well.. stopping it. And then shocking him back to life. Instead of just reminding us about it, Pop asks that Granny change the locks on the shop FAST if he doesn't make it out of this. I know he's scared but.. It breaks my heart. I want to PRAY with him, not just FOR him! I tried explaining to him that while there are a lot of valuable things in his shop and due to his request we would get it done but.. The more important thing would be the loss of Pop's life. "I'm praying that doesn't happen, Pop.. and praying that you make it through it alright.. And praying that maybe someone else in this room could pray with me."

Crickets. And really, I don't know why I can't sleep at night?

God, I need your help. My family needs your help. God, show them your love! Force their eyes and hearts and minds to open like you did mine! I feel like every ounce of my soul is screaming right now.. and I can't make it stop. And I can't fix it. But God, you can.. You can.