patience, patterns, pain & prayers

The Lord continues answering prayers.  Sometimes, more often than not, I'm not patient enough to wait for Him.. Which is silly. I know that He is faithful and trustworthy.. I KNOW that He will come through and I know that His plan for my life is far beyond my wildest dreams.. But sometimes I need that mirror, you know, someone to hold it up so I can see what's going on with me.

Like this really annoying patten I have.. To everyone else, it seems as if I just come out of no where at once with all these things that are I'm worrying, fretting, freaking-out over - like there's just that one thing that sets me off and I tack everything else with it.... Ugh, okay so here's a super honest moment that I'm hoping will help me to end this crazy cycle/pattern - It's not out of no where. The truth is I struggle constantly with trusting God. Constantly. Sometimes even when I surrender things to Him, it's like I'm still keeping my eye on what it was I gave over to Him.. why do I do this?  Is there a part of me still thinks my plan is the best one? Am I expecting God to work based on my time schedule? I don't know exactly why... But I do know that Jesus is the only one who will never let me down.  Anyway, what usually comes out as a sudden overwhelm is generally when I've reached a point where I realize that I've been holding everything in for way too long, trying to carry it all by myself, I've been failing horribly but trying to put pretty bows on all of it or stuff it into neat organized boxes so that from the outside everything looks... calm.  I can't stand that I do this.. and I've been getting to the point where I don't even really want to try to figure out who to talk to about things because there's almost no one that will just listen and not try to correct me or fuss at me or teach me something... Sometimes I just need to talk.  It's not that I'm not talking to Jesus, it's that most of the time He doesn't talk back and I'm not patient.

(There's a part of me that wants to delete that last paragraph but.. in efforts of being transparent, it stays.)

So He continues answering prayers.  Since early January, I've been having a couple symptoms. One normal (for me at least - migraines) the other completely not normal for me. It instantly caught my attention and for three months, I waited. For the first time in my life, I've prayed and PRAYED for something most women would be glad to never have to deal with again. A few weeks ago, my vision noticeably changed and, naturally, my migraines have gotten even worse. Almost everyday. (This week, it has been everyday.)  Then there was a coupon for a $50 eye exam!  So tomorrow, I'm setting up an appointment to get my eyes checked and talk to the doctor.  Hopefully, all of my symptoms are not related.. I'm hoping that new glasses will make the migraines stop. And what I'd been waiting for all year so far finally happened so, while I'm in double pain to make up for it (seems like) and my hormones are making my emotional, I'm still praising the Lord for answered prayers.

I forget where I was going with this post... ha! Oh well - Jesus is trustworthy, I have to slow down and put my faith actively in Him and Him alone.

Answered Prayer

Last night at the end of our Wednesday night college community group, my prayer wasn't many words but it was so what I meant and what I needed.

"Father, I just want to see You... nothing else I could pray for right now compares to that."

It had nothing to do with any one else's prayer or anyone other than the Lord and me. We started a new book called Tangible Kingdom Primer this past week and Tuesday night I poured my heart out to God.. The questions in the book didn't exactly match up with what came from my heart but that doesn't really matter.

I desperately wanted nothing more than to fall madly in love with Jesus again.. with the creator of the universe.. with the creator of me.. the one who breathed the stars into existence and calls every single one by name.. the Lord of my life.  Because without Him, I am lost without a hope. I remember what that feels like and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.. But I'd been slipping so bad, getting caught up in churchy things, in doing good, in behaving the right way... in pleasing everyone else before Jesus.

"... I don't want to grow if I can't reconnect with You the way I did then." When I was getting my first taste of life with Christ, I was on fire and telling everyone I could about the God that came to earth and died for us... about His crazy love! How could anyone ever become calm about Jesus and still say they KNOW Him??

"Father, I just want to see You..."  Wednesday the cry was even stronger.  At group, I shared these things that I had written in our primer book, making myself vulnerable and exposing myself ....and realized that, for whatever reason, I had stopped letting myself be vulnerable.. It was hard.  For the first time, being honest about what was really going on with me was hard.. More and more, I was realizing just how far I'd slipped.

The Lord answers prayers, that's for sure! Today (Thursday) was so breath-takingly glorious - I saw Jesus everywhere! Twice I was complimented on my smile and how it encouraged people after seeing the Lord in them, working through them, etc. had encouraged me! Blessing after blessing after opportunity to worship after opportunity to share His great love!

Tomorrow is going to be even better, I just know it. God is so good!