I don't need to understand, Lord.

Over the past few weeks, I find myself having said to God, several times, 'Lord, I don't know why you are letting this be so hard.' Yet I have not found myself asking Him why.. I do not need to understand why. I do know that God is building and molding me to His image every day. I also know that His word says that we shouldn't be surprised when the world hates us, He warns us that we will have trouble in life, and He gives us more than we can handle on our own so that we are reminded that we need Him.

So I'm thankful for trials and challenges. His plan is perfect and I want nothing less than what my creator has planned for me. This doesn't mean that I am happy to be going through so many battles, but I rejoice that He is with me, growing me in faith, and entrusting me with more.

God made me the outgoing, highly social, creative multi-tasker with a heart for college students that I am.. for a reason. I don't need to know why or how everything is going to work out.  But I do know that I am trusting Him and blessed to be where I am.. so despite the struggles, I'm continuing to give it my all, persevere, and enjoy this life.

The Beginning.

Ashes to ashes

Today was ash Wednesday. James and I had talked earlier this week about it. He encouraged me to do some research on the purpose behind it all and if it was something I wanted to do, he would take me. So I found this great article, which I posted on Facebook, that was super helpful.
It's not just fasting just to do it, it's about devoting yourself more to Christ . It's a reminder of when Christ went into the wilderness and fasted for forty days with the devil tempting Him left and right.

Growing up, most of my friends have up things like candy or soda for lent... But I wanted to give up something that would be more of a behavior that I had planned on leading others out of already. Wow Ash Wednesday came at the perfect time to help me do this and devote myself to the lord how I'd been wanting to.

So for lent (at least 40 days) I'm giving up myself... I'm giving up my negativity. I'm giving up talking about others if it isn't encouraging. I'm giving up crude jokes. I'm giving up fighting with the flesh (also perfect timing that we went over eph 6 tonight). I'm giving up my need to be right. I'm giving up, essentially, discouragement.

Soda would be so much easier, I don't drink that much soda. Candy would be way too easy... Meat is also too easy... I would be short changing not only myself but also Christ and my relationship with Him... And I would be short changing my church. So I don't expect this to be an easy forty days... But I do expect them to be a beautiful forty days. Lord, please give me the strength and the wisdom daily to keep this devotion and promise I have made to You. I want what You want for me, Father.. And for Your church.

exactly where He wants me to be

Today was definitely one for the books (...or the blog!).

Since Saturday, I've been stuck with a migraine that I absolutely could not shake.  I had tried everything and was ready to give up and go to the doctor for the procedure I would have to go through if it did not stop.  Everyone had been praying for me and I had been making the most of my week that I could through the pain.  This morning... It wasn't hurting anymore!  Thank you, Lord.

So I was at the office today, working on paperwork and preparing for my presentations tomorrow at a high school, and hanging out with Sabrina - I love when I'm able to have company in the office while I work.  After lunch, I got an email from one of my Student Mentors.  Her mom had been in ICU all week and she hadn't been able to complete her assignments for the week.  I quickly responded, letting her know that she was more than welcome to have an extension until our next meeting, that I would be praying for her and her mom, and if there was anything I could do to help for her to let me know.  I prayed and then was thankful that the Mentor had contacted me when she was in a bind - this is something I highly stressed to the team at our meeting last Friday.

Almost immediately after our e-mails, another one of my Student Mentors called me on my cell.  As usual, I answered excitedly (I love when the mentors contact me! My team rocks!)  ....on the other end, he did not sound excited at all.  My heart sank as he asked if he could be pulled from the team... I couldn't even really respond so I told him I was listening, tell me what's going on.  He explained to me that he remembered from the meeting how much I stressed to them to let me know when things aren't going so good and how his wife had left him... how he didn't think he would have the time to devote to the team now... he sounded so down...

Ephesians 5:1-2 says "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."  And John 13:34 says "A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

So again, I say that I love my mentor team.  My response flooded naturally from me. (Let's call the mentor "Joe" to make the next part easier to communicate to you.)

NO.  No, Joe, I can't let you do that.  I know I told you all at the meeting that if things became overwhelming for you that I would pull you from the team but this is different.. You've just lost something more valuable than I can imagine, I can't let you leave the team right now.  What I WILL do is waive all participation requirements for you, Joe, and I want you to come anytime you CAN participate with us and I will send you any and every update through e-mail that I can... Joe, this is exactly what the mentor team is for - being the family you need to help you make it through when things get hard.  I just can't let you give up.

He was quiet for a moment and then began to thank me a few times, he was blown away by how much I wanted him to stay on the team through this hurricane that's going through his life.. and grateful. 

"One more thing... You've just done so much for me but.. I really need a job now.  Do you know anyone that's hiring?"  I told him to send me a resume (whip one together), I would fix it over the Mardi Gras break, and help him do searching until we found him something..  By the end of the conversation, Joe sounded like he had more hope than when I first answered the phone call.

I got off the phone after holding it together on the phone, cupped my face in my hands, and turned around to Sabrina to explain what happened ....and I cried.  Gosh, I want to again just sharing again his story.  Lord, I praise you for my job.. I praise you for "Joe" and I crossing paths.. I praise you for the phone call and being able to love with no strings or regrets just.. love.. help.. show compassion.. Lord, thank you.

So then a while later, Logan (another student - not a mentor) came in and the three of us got to talking, sharing God's truth with Sabrina about some of the things she is struggling with.. Man, the conversation got super real for a while and I praise you for using me through that today as well, Lord. 

Then Sabrina mentioned praying for a new job.. "You should apply places," I said.  "Places that are closed on Sunday like.. darrells, hobby lobby, pappys.. Hey! Stellar Beans is closed on Sundays!"  So Sabrina used my phone to call Stellar.  They weren't hiring but the lady from GiGi's was there and she needed someone to start work this coming Monday!  We raced from Sowela to Stellar to meet with the lady... Sabrina got the job!!!!!

All in all... God is so good.  Like.. Perfectly good.  I am absolutely honored, humbled, in adoration of our Lord, the Father... Jesus.  Oh man.. A super tough, emotional, and beautifully breath-taking day to be walking with the Lord.

I live for this.

How do I keep getting here?

Right now, I'm so overwhelmed and discouraged I don't even know where to even start to fix things. How do I fix something that is so broken in someone else that its effecting me to the point I'm in tears? I can't fix anyone. So what can I do? God, I want so bad to just be out of this situation. I thought maybe trying the roommate thing again would work out but I was wrong. I'm walking on eggshells trying to think of how someone else might twist something I don't even do against me so that it can somehow be avoided but trying to predict someone's lies is beyond me, Lord. I keep turning the other cheek and he just keeps taking. Father, I need some relief from this. The tension alone is enough to drive someone crazy. I need your help.

It's already February..

A month.  It's already been a month.  And still no luck.  I know things will work out according to God's plan and I've been good with that.. It's just hard waiting. But I know worrying isn't going to make things happen any faster.. (I've even said this to the worry-wart I'm trying to influence and showed her what it looked like to not worry... not that she cares, really.)

A month of what seems like constant trial... Life is definitely interesting, to say the least. Each day throws a curve ball from a completely different angle. I know if I wasn't connected to the Father, it would seem like chaos right now, I'm sure. But I've learned that if I become discouraged at any moment, I have to force myself to stop, realign my thoughts to HIS plan and who HE is, wrap myself in His truth, and worship Him for who He is.

So here I still am, rejoicing through the trials.. and needing sleep to come and a headache to go away.

Rejoicing through Trials

I'm slowly learning that if I want to have time to reflect, breathe, and sort things out before an avalanche of influences, opinions, etc. come my way, I should hold off on sharing / blogging / updating my status / even texting a friend about it. 

That being said, here comes a blog post!

A week ago now, I moved back to mom and Wayne's and Seth moved to a friend's. (I miss him already.) A week.. wow, it went by so fast and there was so much packed into it. It wasn't until today that I had time to unpack anything at all. I thought I was going to have more time but didn't - but at least I got some of my clothes hung up! I can at least get to my closet a little easier now. 

I always say that I would be bored if my life was easy and that I would probably go insane because I wouldn't know what to do... lol, I still stand by that - as crazy as life has continued to get lately, I'm just more and more grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. He gives my life - all the headaches and heart breaks - hope and purpose. Purpose.. I like that.

This week just keeps me focused on Him even more.  I'm so thankful to have heard from the Father while at Passion, that He has me in a state of preparation right now - knowing that through everything that has been going on lately has given me so much peace. I really feel so connected to Him these past few days that I'm starting to understand exactly how it is completely possible to rejoice while going through trials. "Be prepared," is what has been on my brain lately.  

Rejoicing through the trials - It's an honor to be on mission, carrying the name of Jesus with my life. 

Trials teach me to trust Christ, to give Him the control, to stay surrendered to Him.

Trials help me praise Him for every breath and understand that He has a purpose for each one of them.

Trials build character in me as a follower of Christ, as a woman, as a friend, as a leader.  

Trials make me stronger and rely on Him to be strong when I am not.

Trials test my ability to use the gifts that the Father has given me.

Trials give me confidence in Him as my Lord that He will come through, nothing can stop Him.

Trials provide me more experience with the hard things in life and different ways to handle them with Christ.

Trials prepare me for the Lord's will for my life, my ministry.. my purpose.

Again, I stand by it when I say that I'd be bored if my life was easy and there weren't any trials.. I'm falling more and more in love with the Father.  I want everything He has planned for me and I don't want Him to hold back.  I'm thinking that He has designed me for hard things.

So my family is falling apart, broken, and dysfunctional - I love them more because of the Father. I've had to move yet again - It's a blessing, really, that I even have a home.  I've had absolutely no luck in finding a job - I'm trusting in HIS plan for my life and that includes today, tomorrow, and every day after that.  But really, all in all... this portion of my life is a walk in the park compared to things that I've been through before.

My life is only a disaster when I'm trying to be the one in control.  When I let the Lord reign over my life, I'm right (perfectly) where I need to be.  What's better than that?!

Momentum

Man oh man, HomeworkNight is so gaining momentum, it's so gotta be close to impossible to have not heard something about HomeworkNight in Lake Charles. The press and local news are so all over this! Jesus is all over this! I'm so pumped!

I'm even more pumped when I take into consideration that the more the city looks like it's going to be different, the harder my own personal life seems to be getting.  You know what that means?  That's right, it means Satan is scared and trying all sorts of tricks to knock this momentum out of God's equation.

So just when I feel like I don't have enough time to fit everything in during the week, it's time to fit MORE time in for Jesus in prayer, through God's word, through conversation about Him with the family...

Lord, we need you now more than ever.

there is a lesson in everything

Same book, same purpose.. different chapter.  Tomorrow I'm moving from the grandparents' house back home to mom and Wayne's.  While it's a great relief and a blessing to be able to move back home, my heart feels heavy..

before I go off on a tangent, here's what the blog was started for:

Lessons learned so far (on a tired brain)...
1.  I want the people in my life to know without a doubt that they are loved because they are God's beloved.
2.  I want the people in my life to not only feel their worth but know how valuable they are.
3.  I need to stop talking more often and listen.
4.  I can't fix or control or reverse the aging process.
5.  My heart breaks easier than I ever thought imaginable.
6.  If I feel like I'm in control, I should prepare for a crash landing - check my heart, check my pride, am I in control?
(to be continued)

My heart feels heavy... Not because of the hurtful things my grandfather said to me, not because Seth and I are both moving to different places.. mostly because more and more I'm seeing signs of just how much my grandparents are aging.  I've never experienced someone growing old and in a way, I feel like a child going to the Father - not understanding much at all about what's happening but broken-hearted from the fact that it's happening to begin with.  Today it all sank in a little more that their minds are aging, he doesn't remember things that he says and doesn't have a clue.. She can have entire conversations with me and not remember she even saw me.. For months I've been walking on eggshells without a way to defend myself other than not let the things they say get to me (which is hard).  I'm only realizing now just how much it affected me.


ugh, so tired.. so much to blog but I need sleep more than i need to blog.

2nd Sunday @ Beans

Maaaan, I was so nervous this morning.  But also excited!

It was our 2nd Sunday gathering at our new location (Stellar Beans coffee) for theCityChurch, the first Sunday gathering that my drums made an appearance (no, I did not play but Dave will teach me!), and I've known since Thursday that I was going to be the one to share my testimony of how God has been working in my life and what I've learned recently on my walk with Christ (see the post prior to this one).

I was so excited, I love talking about my Heavenly Father! I could go on for hours if given the opportunity to do so! ..but so far everyone else had only taken a couple minutes to share their story.. I know I'm long winded when it comes to how I've seen and felt God at work so the nerves started... Oh man, if I'm not careful it'll be 2 o-clock before anyone gets to exchange their prayer requests, haha.  I'd journaled my thoughts earlier in the week to capture them before my A.D.D. had a chance to demolished them and then put them here on my blog.. which I think only enabled my nerves to get me jittery even more.

After worship, Paul gave me my cue. [First mental note - Pattie, don't forget there are kids present, haha!] I'd been praying during worship and clearing my head of anything other than Jesus and my tiny little story. A minute or so into sharing, I froze!! [Second mental note - Jesus is so much more amazing that this story, those drums we played in here last Sunday evening were amazing too (sounds of the drums rang through my head).. I like Stellar Beans, we have church here. OH! Wait, that's now and I am speaking!! ugh, attention deficit disorder strikes again.] I pulled my thoughts back together and admitted I was nervous.  Yes! That was exactly what I needed to say because as soon as I said that I was nervous to the church gathered, it seemed so silly - I know everyone there (almost) and like half of them already know my testimony.  I continued on and then looked down next to Paul and saw the red light - I'm being recorded on video! [Third mental note - Agh!! lol.] Nah, it wasn't so bad. I did note out loud that I realized I was being filmed but continued. I don't like being filmed but at the same time... I'm so happy Paul thought of it. So many times I've wished things I'd said about what I've learned, seen, experienced on my walk with Christ had been recorded because sometimes they just fly out of me and I generally forget to write any of it down. I've "joked" about audio-recording my life to help me learn and grow... I don't know, it's weird.. once I realized the camera was going, my words just felt easier and I wanted to talk about the Lord even more. Then Dave started agreeing with me out loud about what I'd learned. Man, that was such encouragement to me! It wasn't until the end that it dawned on me that there was a non-Christian in the room! And one that I've recently met and been hanging around outside of the "church setting."

Then Paul gave a message on prayer. I'm always down for hearing about prayer and learning more about praying and.. praying! I appreciate Paul's way of presenting the Gospel in a way that's easy to remember.. And how he keeps it real.. Jesus said ask, seek, and knock... So we should ask, seek, and knock. (And the knocking on the brick wall while seeking God and talking/praying to Him was actually good - I mean really, if while seeking God we were lead to a brick wall and Jesus had said to knock, we'd knock!)

After the message, Paul had me pull a chair up and sit so that everyone could pray over me. At first it was a little weird having so many hands on me but then Tara took me hand and my brothers and sisters began to pray over me... it was so positively comforting, I don't really know how to describe it but I felt God in that moment so strong in the little huddle. I opened my eyes at one point as if expecting to see Him right there in front of me.

I feel so filled with God's presence and goodness, I'm even more excited to see what this week brings.

Oh!! And I didn't cry!! =D

Re-Wreckless Abandon starting now

Let me give you a little back story…   Up until 2 years ago, I’d been living my life with me as the ultimate star which included drugs, alcoholism, lesbian lifestyle, parties, fights, living for adrenaline, and couldn’t care less if there was a God or not.  Then came two sudden deaths in the family and my suddenly happy life was falling apart and there wasn’t enough alcohol or conquests to be had to make it any better… That’s when I came to know Jesus as my Lord in the Crystal’s parking lot through a stranger who shared the Gospel with me.. Fast-forward a little ways and, thanks to the Lord’s healing and grace, my life looks NOTHING like any of the things it once was filled with.

For a couple months now, I’ve been praying to reconnect with God and grow.  About a year or so ago, Paul explained what he meant when he said he was proud of me – part of it being how teachable I was, and how I didn’t act like I knew everything…  Where did that girl go?  When did I start thinking that I knew everything?  Because that is the farthest thing from the truth, man I need to RUN from this and back to God.

This past week started out in heartbreak for my own foolish mistakes.  And even in the middle of my heartache of my own doing, feeling like I’d failed and deserved this punishment, Paul was there saying it’s not punishment, God is the redeemer of lost days, He works all things together for good and.. “Pattie, I believe in you.”  Wait.. what?? Hold on.. It didn’t make any sense to me at first, I was struggling to believe he was being serious. That he was just trying to make me feel better.. But I know Paul, I trust Paul… So what am I not understanding in all of this?

Galatians / Philippians.. God help me see the good in all of this, help me see it’s for the best.. and quick!

Reading Philippians, I realized that my life is so different than it was a year ago and NOT for the better. My life used to be lining up with what God’s word says, I got lost.

Galatians 4:8-16 – I’ve read Galatians so many times but this time it was like I’d just received this letter in the mail with MY name on it.. I knew what I’d been doing wrong, it just hadn’t sunk in how wrong or destructive all of it was until this very moment when God used His words to break through to me – I’ve been treating my leader like he was the ground I walked on and he never deserved it, not one moment of it, not even for a second… And yet he still believes in me.

Where I went wrong:  I decided to start leading myself, thinking I knew everything and could do it on my own. Not only did I shut my leader out but I was shutting God’s word out and getting everything twisted.. essentially, I spent the past year tearing myself down without realizing it. But who would’ve known that from the outside, right?  I mean I wasn’t smoking, I wasn’t drinking, I was being sexually pure, I wasn’t doing drugs, or getting into fights… I never stopped praying, never stopped believing or worshipping.. Stayed in community and have even been helping plant a church… So I was following all the rules… Great job! That makes me a Pharisee!  …where has my heart been?

Now more than ever, I am so thankful he is my leader and still wants to lead me.. and believes in me. I need a leader.. and I need to listen to him because I’m likely NOT right and need to learn so that I can grow.  I could mourn over the past year but No! I have so been rejoicing this week that I am a new creation and confident in my Lord who has great plans for this new chapter of my life.

So I’m taking up my cross again in the wreckless abandon style and running to Jesus.  I so don’t want my life to make sense without Him and I don’t want to be caught sleeping when He returns. I have joy in how the Lord is working it all together, I see even more how He is preparing me for greater things.. like missions in Africa.

My God's not dead, He's living on the inside... Roaring like a lion!

ADD Addiction

With everything going on, including being sick with different things for almost a week, running out of my ADD medicine was not something I was looking forward to.. at the same time, I knew it was going to happen.

I prepared myself for it the best i knew how and even tried telling myself that i hadn't actually run out.. but my body wasn't listening. Day one and i already had a raging migraine that was on the path of putting me in all system shut down mode. I have no clue how many excedrine i went thru yesterday but it still wasn't enough. My body hurt everywhere, like millions of little needles injecting poison that was making it harder to move muscles.

I've gone through the withdrawals before so I at least knew what to expect. I knew that my muscles weren't actually shutting down but it's still hard to function through the pain that my body tells me I'm experiencing .. so i just kept telling myself that there wasn't actually anything hurting me.

The last time I went without meds, the withdrawals just continued getting worse - for the entire two weeks I was waiting for the moment when it would get easier, the withdrawals would ease off only... that didn't happen. The thing about it is I knew that it wasn't actually going to kill me.. it just felt like it should.

So here i was again, i thought, and praying for most of the day since i SO was in tune with the fact that i needed God for every single step, every single sensory, every single moment. I was trying to come to terms with the fact that i just was going to have to get through this, praying that somehow i would still be able to function and keep my job.. that those close to me would be understanding.. but mostly that God would help.

And then i was sponsored. My meds were paid for. And i am so absolutely humbled and grateful. And addicted. I've known this for a while and i just avoid it. God, I'm do weak.. but thankful that He made a way and used the people that love me to prolong the inevitable.

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Staring at the Stars

Two years has really flown by, I'm like checking my pockets to see where it went..
Sunday was the 2nd anniversary of Tod's death. I didn't expect it to hit me this hard at all.. especially not half way through the week. I've filled my days as much as I possibly can only to realize I'm only prolonging facing what's really going on. And causing others to worry and stumble spiritually.. and then get frustrated with them.
I felt stupid for even being this upset about a death that was two years ago.. until tonight at the park. I was so worn out that I just wanted to go home. Instead, Ryan & I went and laid in the grass and stared up at the stars. We talked for a few minutes and then I realized that I was doing EXACTLY what I did two years ago (before I knew God). I was laying down outside, staring up at the stars fighting back the pain of losing someone I loved so much.. and I realized that I'd never let myself grieve or show any emotion for it. Did Tod even know God? Where is Tod? I can't make an exception (mentally) simply because I love him.. so out there in the grass I just... cried. I spent an amazing 5 minutes with God as I just cried.. I felt His comfort wash over me. Not like an 'everything is ok' comfort.. but His love for my breaking heart.. I so love God for that, I'm so thankful that I can pour my heart out to Him and feel His love through all of my trouble and worries.

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No Room for Avoidance

A couple days ago, the subject of counseling came into conversation.. namely me going to counseling. The thought of it makes me want to run and hide. I know it will be good for me, healing and help me grow as a leader, but I'm honestly terrified. I know it wont be anything like what I went through in high school, but.. I'm scared.

I made up my mind that counseling probably is what I need when my initial reaction/thought was "it's not worth the money"... i quickly realized that the It i was talking about was me.. i was telling myself i wasn't worth counseling. W. O. W. Thats a problem.

Problem - I don't want to have to deal with this...
Truth - I'm dealing with it everyday.

Problem - everything I've got in me is screaming at me to run! Especially from the one that wants me to go to counseling & knows it will help..
Truth - I don't have any room for avoidance anymore. I don't have a choice. And honestly, who would let me go into hiding?

I feel like I'm in the middle of an intersection right now.. I know which way I need to go but I can't get my car in gear to go yet..

Some days, like today when I'm really having to convince myself to go through this, I feel like I'm only going in reverse.. back to stuff I thought I'd already gotten thru like.. This whole thing just really sucks. Why me? Why did it have to happen to me? I don't want to even have this problem to begin with.. I didn't ask for this, i certainly didn't want it.. and i feel like I'm just burdening everyone by having to deal with it at all.. Why did i keep it a secret for so many years? And that's when i realize all over again that I'm blaming myself and ashamed.. when i shouldn't be. And yes it sucks that this happened but i can't change the fact that it happened & I'm not in heaven yet either (tho that would be so much easier)... i know that God will use this for good, and that I'm not the only one that this has happened to..
I'm just scared.. what is it like to not have the issues of abuse weighing on you? I realized today that I have no clue what that freedom feels like.. and also realized that it breaks my heart to know that I'm terrified to get there. It doesn't even make sense! Why would anyone be terrified of freedom?!

So I got my hair cut and curled today to make myself feel better & temporarily distract myself. It worked for a little while...

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praise!

I've just gotta post this real quick as a praise to God...

I SLEPT LAST NIGHT!!! It was amazing. I slept for 6 solid hours and then another 3.. I would've slept even longer but the dog I was watching for someone last night really needed to go outside.. and I was starting to feel like a bum. ha!

But the extra 3 hours goes to having a great boss (thank you, Paul!) and being spoiled. Not that I've been sleeping hardly at all for the past week but really.. how many people can say that they have a boss that encourages them to sleep in??

I've also gotta praise God for my step-dad - God is building people right now and it's such a beautiful work He's doing. Wayne has re-discovered the JOY of having a relationship with Christ and wants to embrace that, I know he can do it! Wayne has been opening up to me (and apparently my brother now, too!) lately and it takes every ounce of my energy not to scream like the Saints just won the superbowl ;D Wayne has had a life full of the people he loved the most either passing away (wife/melissa's mother, his own mother, never knew his father, most of his children don't come around...) and he has lead a life full of sorrow, emptiness, lonliness, anger, guilt.. and now Wayne is seeing that the whole time, God was there loving him!

And me.. I feel God's grace building me up to carry out a mission for Him and I am so excited. I'm starting to see more purpose for things I've encountered.. Such as living life as a lesbian, and Him taking that away and being plopped into hetero-world. I'm happier but until recently, I didn't examine why I was happier... I'm happier because it's not something I have to deal with the world on so much anymore - God made my life easier. What I'm trying to say is I know that I'm happier (1) because it was my impossible for God and (2) the world hates gays.. therefore the world hated me.. and if I'm not gay, I'm not automatically hated by the world.

Once I realized that that was my #2 reason for being happy... That broke my heart.

I've gotta do something. I may never end up settling the war but I have to try. How can I just sit back and do nothing in the position that God has placed me? I don't think for one second that God would change me JUST so that I could have an easier life. NO! God knows I'm used to hard stuff and that I'm bored without it... And that when everything is going smooth, that's when I take time to break myself down personally to examine myself... lol, which usually starts because I feel like I'm missing something if everything is going smoothly and I must be distracted from God... (yes, this is the mentality I have from almost always being in hard stuff. But so far it really has helped me to grow myself spiritually and then take on the next hard thing)

All in all... It's been an amazing weekend. I can't wait to see what God has planned while I seek His face.

huge reminder from God

This past Thursday, I met up with Mark at starbucks. It was the first time I'd seen him in person since the night I accepted Christ in the Crystal's parking lot.. which was the first time I met Mark. I also got to meet his friend Rick (who brought a friend named Jimmy). We talked about God, His Grace, Jesus, and what God is going in our lives, in us, through us, and around us for four hours.

All in all, it was a huge reminder from God that he is SO reigning in my life and those around me.. that He's got big plans, that he loves me, that I am His.. how perfect I'm not and how completely okay and normal that is... how I don't HAVE to devote my life to serving Him but how much happier I will be because I am anyway..

I felt His comfort so strong.. my fears just melted. He woke me up and called me to Himself and nothing can separate that.. His love is so great, I'm struggling to wrap my mind around it. At the same time, I love Him back even more when I realize each time how much I don't deserve His love and yet He gives His love to me anyway!

I want to live a life that He might, for a single moment somewhere along the line, be proud of. Like Chan said, I so want a 'well done, good and faithful servant' when I see Him, face to face. That's the treasure I want to have in heaven. That's what I want to lay at His feet. Nothing else matters. Nothing.

Rather than be afraid of what He might have planned for my life, I'm so thankful that He has that plan! Wow, have I got SO much to pray for and look forward to! I'm so honored.. humbled to even know or have a clue to a speck of that plan.. theCity.. that alone from Him sends my hope sky rocketing!

Trading Addictions

Friday, I found myself out of cigarettes and honestly was tired of buying them. I'd been thinking about quitting smoking (tried a couple times before) but never really stayed committed to quitting. But it was different before. Before, my reasons for wanting to quit weren't rock solid, they weren't really anything I can remember even to this point.

My reasons now hardly include health. I mean, yeah, smoking causes cancer, heart problems, lung problems, decreases oxygen levels in your blood, etc. But I knew all of that BEFORE I ever started smoking and still chose to smoke so those reasons alone would never be reason enough for me to quit. I chose to quit this time because I want to be closer to God. I want that so bad that I know I can overcome this addiction.

I'm not saying that I believe anyone who smokes can never be close to God. No, I'm not saying that at all. This is a specific thing concerning me. I don't make much money where I work and something Bro. Steve said a Sunday or so ago was that God has blessed us with the money that we do have... I took that home and it stuck with me. It is a blessing and I'm just sending it up in smoke. I feel like what I'd been saying to God was "Thanks for this money, God! Now I'm going to go waste it on something totally meaningless that I will light on fire over and over and over and over again!" ... And then always run into the same problem: I don't make "enough" money.

Recently, I've wanted to do greater things with my money than light it on fire. Like start a bank account for Passion 2011! Sponser a child through Compassion International! And, I don't know, maybe be able to stop feeling like I never have money. Since I am committed to no longer smoking, I've already signed up to sponser a child in Honduras! Yay!

At the same time that it hasn't been easy so far, I know that this is something I want with all my heart. And I know that it will get easier. There's no certain crutch I've found, no special gum, no special item to hold in my hand, nothing to keep handy to put in my mouth.. NOTHING that will FULLY make the transition from an Addiction to Cigarettes to an Addition to JESUS super smooth, quick, and easy. But I do know that if the want, desire, and need to amplify my addiction to Jesus was missing, I wouldn't be able to kick the cigarettes. I could smoke for the next ten years if that need wasn't there and not care at all. But it IS there and I can't ignore it.

I've been in a LOT of prayer over the past few days and I'm sure it will be a couple weeks. And though I've been pretty crabby throughout each day and lacking in sleep and right now simply wanting to find a dark place to curl up in and cry, I know my God is with me and will never leave me. He knows my heart in this just as he knows everything else. God will use my struggles, my mistakes, my success and failures all for His glory. I praise Him always and finally FEEL like I'm showing (even if just a little better) how truly thankful I am to God for every breath I take.