Between all plans failing, feeling like my family is falling apart, and being obsessed over by a student there were plenty of distractions all at once. Oh! And my wisdom teeth are on the move again so my entire face hurts. (This past Friday made one month of no smoking though.)
With everything going on/going "wrong", I quickly began to feel trapped. I do not respond well to feeling controlled or even feeling pinned down for any reason... likely one of the reasons I am single.
Seriously though, I'm the type that if you tell me my hair is too short, I will make it as short as possible; demand that I don't talk to a certain person and I will ONLY talk to that person; get me feeling guilty and try to get me to stay in one spot or if I feel you becoming dependant on me... I'm going to run.
I woke up Saturday morning knowing that I wanted to be alone. I need that time - just me and God. So after helping Glen and Jordan move to their new place, I took off. It had been such a beautiful day and the sunset was no exception. I put my phone on silent and cranked up the volume (passion cd, Chris Tomlin, Phil Wickham, and Toby Mac). I spent most of the time driving but really that's when I have a lot of my conversations with God.
I ended up past Grand Chenier and turned onto this really wide gravel highway when I saw a sign for a place called Freshwater City, LA. I'd never heard of it before so I figured there couldn't be much to it which, well, made it the perfect place to go.
A trip to nowhere... with no one... expecting nothing...
Just to be with my creator and hear only Him.
IT WAS PHENOMENAL! I really felt His presence and love. There were birds randomly flying around and chirping at night. Some bigger birds standing in the marsh would stretch their necks to watch me as I passed. Then there was the silly raccoon. I rolled my car to a stop when I saw the raccoon at the side of the road. We watched one another for a minute before the raccoon did a forward flip/roll into the grass and out of sight. (On the way home, I saw a coyote.)
The most amazing during the entire trip was when I knew it was safe enough to stop the car (no traffic)... keep in mind thos road is winding me out through nothing but marsh - there's nothing else around except the Gulf of Mexico. Once I had stopped, a young deer stepped out onto the road. It stood there a minute looking around, shook its head much like a dog does when its ears are wet. Then it began to jump around playfully on the road. I followed the animal down the road until it went into the grass of the marsh on the inland side of the road. With my window down, I made clicking noises at the deer. I would love to say the deer came over to me but... it stared at me and then continued on through the marsh. I couldn't help but laugh. I've seen deer before.. but this one seriously moved like it was enjoying stomping through the puddles and the marsh. Who knew that there would be a deer that far out in the first place? The young deer was the last animal, out of all I saw, that I would've thought I might see.
The time I spent Saturday alone in nature to listen to God was an absolute necessity and I need to get back to doing it more often. I need that reminder that, just like all creations in this world, I am His and He loves me. I so love the time I spend alone with Him and wish everyday could be like that.
Now its time to get up. Week 2 @ the Cavern!!
thankful for a bad day
I know this might sound weird but it makes sense to me...
Today was one of those days where ANY and ALL plans went wrong. At least until I gave up.. I'm not sure where it started, but maybe it was when my calendar started getting meetings added to it for Friday. I had kept Friday clear all week long so that I could go with Lindsay to Houston to celebrate her 21st birthday.. until the second half of the day on Thursday when meetings started popping up. Then the automotive instructor fell ill (Thomas, not sure what you've got but I'm praying you rest up and feel better soon).
Since my car is in our automotive shop at school, that means no car back for Pattie. At least not before Monday. And no, I don't blame anyone, this was completely unavoidable. So I'll just have to figure something out as far as cars go. The insurance company is only paying for my rental through Friday... which means unless I can afford it, I won't have a car until Monday at the earliest.
It's not the end of the world, just makes getting around and getting things done a little harder. But since I have to deal with the rental company today and have meetings, I can't go to Houston and I am bummed. I was so looking forward to a true girl's night and in celebration of such an awesome chick turning 21. I pray that the girl's have a phenomenal trip and I can't wait to hear all about it.
So by the time I got off of work yesterday, I was tempted to simply cancel my plans for the rest of the day and go home. But Caitlyn and I were scheduled to pick out a board game for our college coffee/community/fellowship/we-all-call-it-something-different group (haha!). WOW! The first plan all day that didn't change. And honestly, hanging out with Caitlyn was exactly what I needed.
We spent right at two hours JUST talking before even going into Toys R Us. I learned a lot about Caitlyn and she learned a lot about me. In some ways that I would have never expected, we are alike and the potential to help one another grow in our faith and love for Jesus is limitless because of it. My heart so understands her story and while I don't have all the answers (because I don't have all the answers for my own story), I am even more pumped to see where God leads both of us. Honestly, I don't even remember the name of the board game we picked out but I know it'll be fun for the group but the time I spent actually getting to know my sister in Jesus was priceless.. No game could ever replace that.
So yeah.. Having a bad day earlier really can help you to appreciate when the good does come through.
Today was one of those days where ANY and ALL plans went wrong. At least until I gave up.. I'm not sure where it started, but maybe it was when my calendar started getting meetings added to it for Friday. I had kept Friday clear all week long so that I could go with Lindsay to Houston to celebrate her 21st birthday.. until the second half of the day on Thursday when meetings started popping up. Then the automotive instructor fell ill (Thomas, not sure what you've got but I'm praying you rest up and feel better soon).
Since my car is in our automotive shop at school, that means no car back for Pattie. At least not before Monday. And no, I don't blame anyone, this was completely unavoidable. So I'll just have to figure something out as far as cars go. The insurance company is only paying for my rental through Friday... which means unless I can afford it, I won't have a car until Monday at the earliest.
It's not the end of the world, just makes getting around and getting things done a little harder. But since I have to deal with the rental company today and have meetings, I can't go to Houston and I am bummed. I was so looking forward to a true girl's night and in celebration of such an awesome chick turning 21. I pray that the girl's have a phenomenal trip and I can't wait to hear all about it.
So by the time I got off of work yesterday, I was tempted to simply cancel my plans for the rest of the day and go home. But Caitlyn and I were scheduled to pick out a board game for our college coffee/community/fellowship/we-all-call-it-something-different group (haha!). WOW! The first plan all day that didn't change. And honestly, hanging out with Caitlyn was exactly what I needed.
We spent right at two hours JUST talking before even going into Toys R Us. I learned a lot about Caitlyn and she learned a lot about me. In some ways that I would have never expected, we are alike and the potential to help one another grow in our faith and love for Jesus is limitless because of it. My heart so understands her story and while I don't have all the answers (because I don't have all the answers for my own story), I am even more pumped to see where God leads both of us. Honestly, I don't even remember the name of the board game we picked out but I know it'll be fun for the group but the time I spent actually getting to know my sister in Jesus was priceless.. No game could ever replace that.
So yeah.. Having a bad day earlier really can help you to appreciate when the good does come through.
"Why do you want Him?"
(wrote this in my journal while reading in Forgotten God)
Finding myself in enough pain Saturday that I couldn't breathe and in the ER helped me to grow even more. At first, it was so much pain, I prayed God would take me already... then I decided to go to the hospital because I wasn't ready to go to heaven. This is not saying that I don't think I am going to heaven or even that I don't want to. What I am saying is that I finally WANT to be here. I CARE about why I am here.
I don't want to go to heaven yet because there are still so many people who are not going. There are people that I love and care about and some I have just met who are not going. Yet. But its like brother Steve said today (sunday): the season for harvesting will pass - once we are in heaven, we will never be able to share our love for & from God and bear witness ever again.
Ending up in the hospital made me realize how fragile I am... and how NOT focused on Jesus I was becoming. I could use being sick for the past week as an excuse but I won't. What if Saturday really had been it for me?
What would I say to Jesus about my life?
About my last week?
About my last night?
It's not that I had fallen away or anything drastic but at the same time... doesn't it all start with one distraction?
I've been blessed by God's love, my heart beats for Him. I find that I love random people more and more as I focus on His love... with that I can't just continue to sit back and not somehow figure out how to encourage and inspire others my age to SEE God's love, to long for it and accept that He is for them! If I can't do that then why am I here at all?
Finding myself in enough pain Saturday that I couldn't breathe and in the ER helped me to grow even more. At first, it was so much pain, I prayed God would take me already... then I decided to go to the hospital because I wasn't ready to go to heaven. This is not saying that I don't think I am going to heaven or even that I don't want to. What I am saying is that I finally WANT to be here. I CARE about why I am here.
I don't want to go to heaven yet because there are still so many people who are not going. There are people that I love and care about and some I have just met who are not going. Yet. But its like brother Steve said today (sunday): the season for harvesting will pass - once we are in heaven, we will never be able to share our love for & from God and bear witness ever again.
Ending up in the hospital made me realize how fragile I am... and how NOT focused on Jesus I was becoming. I could use being sick for the past week as an excuse but I won't. What if Saturday really had been it for me?
What would I say to Jesus about my life?
About my last week?
About my last night?
It's not that I had fallen away or anything drastic but at the same time... doesn't it all start with one distraction?
I've been blessed by God's love, my heart beats for Him. I find that I love random people more and more as I focus on His love... with that I can't just continue to sit back and not somehow figure out how to encourage and inspire others my age to SEE God's love, to long for it and accept that He is for them! If I can't do that then why am I here at all?
World went upside down.
So The Cavern starts next Sunday!!! (www.thecavernattrinity.com) I'm so excited to see how God will use this for His Glory.
Over the past few weeks, I've been on a constant roller coaster. Feeling under the weather for the past few days didn't really help much. I see God working through me and all around me. The roller coaster part? Well to start, I let myself become burdened by everyone's misery around me (even people I barely know). I want so badly for everyone to have the peace and happiness I've found through Jesus. It's not the first time my heart has been so heavy for others but it was the first time it happened since I've quit smoking.. Which helped me realize that I no longer knew how to cope with stress without cigarettes. Would it have been easier to just smoke a cigarette? Likely. Did I? No. Instead I went home and cried like a baby until I passed out.. Which since I haven't been sleeping normally was also much needed.
And who knows, maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew this semester between my job, numerous committees, taking a class, pushing forward with my student mentor team, involvement with church, social life, etc.. But honestly, maybe one of the committees is really all I could see myself giving up. The semester is only for a few months anyway.
I'm happy, just tired.
Then there's matters of the heart. Oh man. Just when I thought I had things figured out.. Just when I was pretty sure I knew which way was up, an old friend contacts me. It's not really that I'd never realized it before.. But he'd always been with someone else (or I was with someone else) and I wanted him to be happy more than anything else. But all it takes is to hear his voice and my heart is like butter. I couldn't take it anymore and so I told him that it wasn't true about Pattie always being the only girl in school that never 'liked' Shane.. And how sorry I am for never saying anything and just sitting back while he got stomped on by all the others. And he said that the truth was I was likely the only girl that REALLY did honestly like him and care for him. Then I laughed and pointed out that we were talking in past-tense, like it all wasn't STILL true.
I would stop the world for him.. I know his 'flaws' and love him the same. He's my best friend and, while I know I can, I would hate to go through life without him. The downside to all this is that he lives in Arizona now and still has a year left in school. Do I think he would ever more back to Louisiana? Don't know. Would I ever move to Arizona? Again, don't know ;) I do know that I will never love another person the way I love him. I'm so tired of settling for less than what my heart really wants, tired of trying to find someone else that could possibly measure up to him.. tired of putting myself through unnecessary heartache.
All of this made me stop and think today.. Where is God taking me? I love Shane, but I love my God more.. Lately I've been getting a tug in my heart that Lake Charles is SO just the beginning of the road in my ministry. I don't know where I'm supposed to go, or when.. But when I do, it will be for God. A big part of me is scared that as I take on new positions for God, new roles.. that I will mess up, that I won't be ready.. But that fear is so not going to stop me. If God is with me, then nothing can stand against me.
My life is not MY project, it is GOD's project and I am 100% down with that! :)
Over the past few weeks, I've been on a constant roller coaster. Feeling under the weather for the past few days didn't really help much. I see God working through me and all around me. The roller coaster part? Well to start, I let myself become burdened by everyone's misery around me (even people I barely know). I want so badly for everyone to have the peace and happiness I've found through Jesus. It's not the first time my heart has been so heavy for others but it was the first time it happened since I've quit smoking.. Which helped me realize that I no longer knew how to cope with stress without cigarettes. Would it have been easier to just smoke a cigarette? Likely. Did I? No. Instead I went home and cried like a baby until I passed out.. Which since I haven't been sleeping normally was also much needed.
And who knows, maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew this semester between my job, numerous committees, taking a class, pushing forward with my student mentor team, involvement with church, social life, etc.. But honestly, maybe one of the committees is really all I could see myself giving up. The semester is only for a few months anyway.
I'm happy, just tired.
Then there's matters of the heart. Oh man. Just when I thought I had things figured out.. Just when I was pretty sure I knew which way was up, an old friend contacts me. It's not really that I'd never realized it before.. But he'd always been with someone else (or I was with someone else) and I wanted him to be happy more than anything else. But all it takes is to hear his voice and my heart is like butter. I couldn't take it anymore and so I told him that it wasn't true about Pattie always being the only girl in school that never 'liked' Shane.. And how sorry I am for never saying anything and just sitting back while he got stomped on by all the others. And he said that the truth was I was likely the only girl that REALLY did honestly like him and care for him. Then I laughed and pointed out that we were talking in past-tense, like it all wasn't STILL true.
I would stop the world for him.. I know his 'flaws' and love him the same. He's my best friend and, while I know I can, I would hate to go through life without him. The downside to all this is that he lives in Arizona now and still has a year left in school. Do I think he would ever more back to Louisiana? Don't know. Would I ever move to Arizona? Again, don't know ;) I do know that I will never love another person the way I love him. I'm so tired of settling for less than what my heart really wants, tired of trying to find someone else that could possibly measure up to him.. tired of putting myself through unnecessary heartache.
All of this made me stop and think today.. Where is God taking me? I love Shane, but I love my God more.. Lately I've been getting a tug in my heart that Lake Charles is SO just the beginning of the road in my ministry. I don't know where I'm supposed to go, or when.. But when I do, it will be for God. A big part of me is scared that as I take on new positions for God, new roles.. that I will mess up, that I won't be ready.. But that fear is so not going to stop me. If God is with me, then nothing can stand against me.
My life is not MY project, it is GOD's project and I am 100% down with that! :)
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