...and i just started talking

I'm so thankful for the past couple of days.  It's hard digging deep inside myself to sort things out but always so rewarding once I have the light-bulb moment.  The past couple of days have been the result of all my digging (for a while now like.. a few months at least).

Prayer can be very beautiful.  Or it can be stale.  It finally dawned on me that my prayer-time had become very stale... With the repeat pattern from anytime I'm in community of using a 'sharable' prayer, I'd not been aware that this was the same I was doing with God.  Which essentially meant I wasn't being very open with God at all.

The past couple of weeks for sure, I'd noticed it and was struggling with it.  Why wasn't I being open with God? Why did I feel like I didn't know how? What was it going to take for me to break the wall back down?

Answer:  The fear of being WITHOUT God was all it took.  Because if there is a wall between me and God then that means I'm isolating myself and that N E V E R goes anything less than horrible!

So Saturday night I went back through the steps of how I spent my favorite time with God at the old house. Ooooh yeah! Laying in my bed on my back, hands stretched up high, eyes closed - no distractions. It took a moment still for me to get my mind right but man, oh man, I knew I needed to talk to my Lord more than I needed anything I could possibly think of doing.

And I just started talking. Out loud. I apologized for not talking to Him for so long.. and for sending up prayers like they were post cards rather than really acknowledging He was constantly here with me the entire time, and praised Him for His faithfulness. I apologized for worrying more what someone else thought of me rather than what HE thought of me, and praised Him for His love. And then I felt the freedom again like I used to - the freedom to spill my heart and brain out to my heavenly Father who delights in every single word.  I'm pretty sure I fell asleep talking to Him.

Today (Sunday) was amazing. I woke up feeling so alive and calm and felt so comfortable in my own skin again like I haven't in quite a while. Ahhhhhh. Jesus, You are awesome =)

Re-Wreckless Abandon starting now

Let me give you a little back story…   Up until 2 years ago, I’d been living my life with me as the ultimate star which included drugs, alcoholism, lesbian lifestyle, parties, fights, living for adrenaline, and couldn’t care less if there was a God or not.  Then came two sudden deaths in the family and my suddenly happy life was falling apart and there wasn’t enough alcohol or conquests to be had to make it any better… That’s when I came to know Jesus as my Lord in the Crystal’s parking lot through a stranger who shared the Gospel with me.. Fast-forward a little ways and, thanks to the Lord’s healing and grace, my life looks NOTHING like any of the things it once was filled with.

For a couple months now, I’ve been praying to reconnect with God and grow.  About a year or so ago, Paul explained what he meant when he said he was proud of me – part of it being how teachable I was, and how I didn’t act like I knew everything…  Where did that girl go?  When did I start thinking that I knew everything?  Because that is the farthest thing from the truth, man I need to RUN from this and back to God.

This past week started out in heartbreak for my own foolish mistakes.  And even in the middle of my heartache of my own doing, feeling like I’d failed and deserved this punishment, Paul was there saying it’s not punishment, God is the redeemer of lost days, He works all things together for good and.. “Pattie, I believe in you.”  Wait.. what?? Hold on.. It didn’t make any sense to me at first, I was struggling to believe he was being serious. That he was just trying to make me feel better.. But I know Paul, I trust Paul… So what am I not understanding in all of this?

Galatians / Philippians.. God help me see the good in all of this, help me see it’s for the best.. and quick!

Reading Philippians, I realized that my life is so different than it was a year ago and NOT for the better. My life used to be lining up with what God’s word says, I got lost.

Galatians 4:8-16 – I’ve read Galatians so many times but this time it was like I’d just received this letter in the mail with MY name on it.. I knew what I’d been doing wrong, it just hadn’t sunk in how wrong or destructive all of it was until this very moment when God used His words to break through to me – I’ve been treating my leader like he was the ground I walked on and he never deserved it, not one moment of it, not even for a second… And yet he still believes in me.

Where I went wrong:  I decided to start leading myself, thinking I knew everything and could do it on my own. Not only did I shut my leader out but I was shutting God’s word out and getting everything twisted.. essentially, I spent the past year tearing myself down without realizing it. But who would’ve known that from the outside, right?  I mean I wasn’t smoking, I wasn’t drinking, I was being sexually pure, I wasn’t doing drugs, or getting into fights… I never stopped praying, never stopped believing or worshipping.. Stayed in community and have even been helping plant a church… So I was following all the rules… Great job! That makes me a Pharisee!  …where has my heart been?

Now more than ever, I am so thankful he is my leader and still wants to lead me.. and believes in me. I need a leader.. and I need to listen to him because I’m likely NOT right and need to learn so that I can grow.  I could mourn over the past year but No! I have so been rejoicing this week that I am a new creation and confident in my Lord who has great plans for this new chapter of my life.

So I’m taking up my cross again in the wreckless abandon style and running to Jesus.  I so don’t want my life to make sense without Him and I don’t want to be caught sleeping when He returns. I have joy in how the Lord is working it all together, I see even more how He is preparing me for greater things.. like missions in Africa.

My God's not dead, He's living on the inside... Roaring like a lion!

No Room for Avoidance

A couple days ago, the subject of counseling came into conversation.. namely me going to counseling. The thought of it makes me want to run and hide. I know it will be good for me, healing and help me grow as a leader, but I'm honestly terrified. I know it wont be anything like what I went through in high school, but.. I'm scared.

I made up my mind that counseling probably is what I need when my initial reaction/thought was "it's not worth the money"... i quickly realized that the It i was talking about was me.. i was telling myself i wasn't worth counseling. W. O. W. Thats a problem.

Problem - I don't want to have to deal with this...
Truth - I'm dealing with it everyday.

Problem - everything I've got in me is screaming at me to run! Especially from the one that wants me to go to counseling & knows it will help..
Truth - I don't have any room for avoidance anymore. I don't have a choice. And honestly, who would let me go into hiding?

I feel like I'm in the middle of an intersection right now.. I know which way I need to go but I can't get my car in gear to go yet..

Some days, like today when I'm really having to convince myself to go through this, I feel like I'm only going in reverse.. back to stuff I thought I'd already gotten thru like.. This whole thing just really sucks. Why me? Why did it have to happen to me? I don't want to even have this problem to begin with.. I didn't ask for this, i certainly didn't want it.. and i feel like I'm just burdening everyone by having to deal with it at all.. Why did i keep it a secret for so many years? And that's when i realize all over again that I'm blaming myself and ashamed.. when i shouldn't be. And yes it sucks that this happened but i can't change the fact that it happened & I'm not in heaven yet either (tho that would be so much easier)... i know that God will use this for good, and that I'm not the only one that this has happened to..
I'm just scared.. what is it like to not have the issues of abuse weighing on you? I realized today that I have no clue what that freedom feels like.. and also realized that it breaks my heart to know that I'm terrified to get there. It doesn't even make sense! Why would anyone be terrified of freedom?!

So I got my hair cut and curled today to make myself feel better & temporarily distract myself. It worked for a little while...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.3