Potential.

The past week has been a struggle. Today, it all came to a head. In a learning way.

I struggle a lot with feeling like I've failed, fallen short, messed up, etc. Sometimes it is more than a feeling, sometimes it is true. But then there are times, like now, when it isn't and I still struggle with feeling this way.. as if it was my fault the way things turned out.. as if the way things turned out were horrible.. when really, the result isn't horrible it just isn't the nice, easy, beautiful result that I had pictured.

What would we learn if there weren't bumps in the road? If the results always came as expected and when expected, how would we grow? Often I forget that it isn't the quick perfect result that I really desire, or even the lessons I will learn out of harder paths.. but it is the Lord's plan and results that I desire.

His plans are far greater and usually cause tremendous growth. His plans don't end so the result is something we definitely will not see tomorrow or the end of the semester.. He doesn't have an evaluation survey or annual report.. and nothing surprises Him along the way.

Essentially, I can rest in Him because He is in control of it all. That includes my own plans and their results, no matter how hard I try to obtain certain results, I need to rest in the results knowing I have done my best, in His name, and that the results may just be how He planned them. Lord knows I can't force anyone else to grow, no matter how much energy, time, and devotion I give them.. I think it is just taking a bit longer for me to grasp that. And even when I do understand, my heart still breaks for those I'm leading when they seem to run not only back to the starting line, but sometimes further.

Today, I poured out to a woman I look up to how it breaks my heart when its the end of your time with a person you've been leading that you see so much potential in them and know what great things they are capable of... and they never see it in themselves or believe in themselves the way I do... She smiled, teared-up with me, and replied, "And that is only the beginning, a tiny tiny glimpse, of how God feels about us."

I know that when I feel overwhelmed by what's on my plate, God is about to grow me. He never leaves me here, He knows my potential and what I am capable of even though I don't. I'm so thankful that my time for the Lord to lead me won't end.. I'm so thankful that He grows and pushes me to greater potential.. and I'm most thankful that He is the One in control.

Dry bones

In my youth, I lived at the apartment complex I now live in again. It was different then, Glen and I could go swimming without worry of someone bringing us harm, and we had neighbors we visited with. I didn't know Christ then.

Now, God has positioned me here again.. the complex is much darker than I remember. Even before the Passion conference in Atlanta, I had been thinking of the Valley of the Bones from the Bible.. Where the prophet was in a valley of dried up bones, full of bones. But God said to him to tell the bones the word of the Lord and the Lord would put skin on them (making it a valley of bodies). Then the Lord told the prophet to tell the bodies to hear the word of God, and the Lord gave them breath and immediately the bodies stood up and were alive..

That is my prayer for this complex.. that one day the residents I've been making friends with would see and have faith in our Lord.. man, Jesus would change everything for better, they would breathe and KNOW they were breathing! "You see dry bones, I see an army!"

That day will be so beautfiul!

Lord, bring that day here to your people. I long to be your servant.

Hurt

I've never been as heart broken as I am now. I feel like a piece of me was just ripped from my chest. No warning, no discussion, just.. over. Done. I thought things were picking up again in ways we've never seen... I thought things were about to get better..

God, I know what you showed me and I've never let go of that.. but God, I'm at a loss for words. And I'm so hurt and angry and can't remember the last time I cried this hard.. I've been begging for Your help. For Your guidance and Your hand.. Where are You?

Healing.. unexpectedly

Sometimes things we don't want to do or help with because they seem silly, or lame, or even trivial.. are the exact things that God puts in our path to heal us.. unexpectedly.

My church had been preparing to help with an elementary school's father daughter dance and, honestly it wasn't something I wanted to go to. Helping with graphics and preparation was one thing... But going? I was still battling the urge not to go as I was driving to the school today. And even once I was there, I wanted to run.

I've forgiven my father for what he did to me as a child, and everything since then.. but forgiving and truly healing are so different. So many memories have been coming back over the past few weeks leading up to today.. nothing overwhelming, just memories I had locked away. On purpose.

God's plan was different. Better.

I watched all the dad's with their daughters at the dance and saw how special it was to not only the little girls, but for the dads as well....and I just felt... awkward, when I stopped to let myself think about it.

I never had those memories, happily dancing with my dad... Even when things were better, I never would be seen dancing with my dad - he always embarrassed me and I felt like it was creepy. All the pictures of the dads with their daughters were beautiful.. I never had any of those.

While I felt like I didn't need a dad growing up... I did. I still do. I'm picking up on that fact now. I'm broken.

So the father daughter dance wasn't silly, lame, or trivial.. in fact, it was necessary and monumental. Life is hard and not just for me. It's hard for.. well, everyone. Daughters need their dads.. I'm so glad God talked me into attending my first father daughter dance so I could dance a little healing with my Heavenly Father. I'm so thankful that the Father is so gentle in restoring the battle scars in my life with certain things that are hard for me. His love for me still blows me away.

burning my ship

Tonight at group, we read chapter 10 of Search and Rescue. Paul had us write out what the author said to do at the end of the chapter... Either a resignation letter to something we were leaving behind or an epitaph for what we wanted to be remembered for.. as soon as I started writing the letter, it was completely different than I had expected it to be.

At the beginning of group, Paul asked who wanted to start. So I nominated Paul. He is a great story teller and the author starts with stories in each chapter of this book. "I don't like starting," flew out of my mouth next. Paul's response was that he does definitely like starting things... We all chuckled a moment and he started..

I sat there thinking about how true this was for me.. I really do not like starting things. Even when I paint. Every single time I procrastinate and stress out. But once I start, I feel right at home... Until I royally screw up. Once that happens, I tend to not want to even talk about continuing, fixing it, that I ever started it... And this pains me. Physically pains me. I don't like going in the office at Lake Street because I completely screwed up my wall mural that was so beautiful. Here it is an entire year later and I haven't touched it since that day. For a while, I would get angry anytime I went in there. Now I look at it and either tense up, get a pain in my stomach, or stand in the doorway... I plan to finish it, but I'm so overwhelmed by it..

The mural isn't the only one, its just the most visible one that I have to look at so often.

But I HATE leaving things incomplete.. unfinished.. it brings me physical, mental, and emotional pain. I know this must be something God wired in to me.. so why can't I simply embrace this part of me? The longing to finish things that have been started, and finish them well. Why am I so afraid to try again? Why do I let doubts and the fear of failure cripple me? Why do I beat myself up about this part of me? I know how to encourage myself, but often its as if I don't believe myself after I've messed up.

...but I have to finish the mural. Man, thats the room where Paul likes to meet and give me projects.. and I sit there beating myself up over how I can't finish things so why start new projects he wants me to work on?

Lord, help heal this brokenness in me. Give me the courage to finish things I've screwed up on, to fix them and be joyful in the accomplishment. Lord, I know this might feel like a terrible growing pain but I'm so tired of treading here in the water.. help me to STOP giving up when things go south. Lord, I need your strength, grace, mercy, and healing to badly in this area.. I want to lead well and make You smile with how I lead.. I know this means I have to ditch this fear that cripples me immediately. Help me overcome myself, Lord.

Falling in love all over again

A couple weeks ago, I began praying to God... Nagging really... Praying that He would help me lead well.

So I immediately began seeking Him with all my heart. Diving deep into His word. I couldn't get enough! Reading a chapter in Colossians every days to prepare for Girls Thursday bible study wasn't cutting it. Key word searching and reading verses wasn't cutting it. Reading my favorite scriptures wasn't cutting it...

Tonight, after reading His word for nearly two hours at home, after Girls Study, I've noticed a change... I realized not only am I craving His word, but I'm craving His presence, craving simply to spend time with my Lord. To talk to Him. To give ample room to listen and be still before Him. And especially rejoicing to the point of blogging when I realized I was talking to Him out-loud today at work, on the drive home, and while planning activities for campus during my dinner.

Talking to Him out-loud might sound strange to some... But its what I did when I first met Him and was first walking with Him, crazy in love with Him.. I'm tearing up with joy writing this. I feel my soul lifting. Praise You, Lord Jesus. You are more worthy than all the love I could ever possibly give You but I know You still receive it.

What makes a woman great?

It struck me today at group how the men far out number the women in our church.. especially for those of us in our 20s.. the other women in our church are married and their husbands are present on Sunday's as well..

Knowing that the young women who do find our church look to me for spiritual guidance, I feel that maybe I've been failing the women who have come our way. I'm not exactly feminine by any means, but I am involved and a leader.. its just part of how I tick, how God made me (leading, that is).. so I've found myself asking a question over and over lately...

What makes a woman great? What does it look like for a woman to be Godly? How is it different than when a man looks Godly? I don't want to take the back seat and just be a great speaker and/or writer, I want to really be involved in service and leading but I don't know what it looks like for a woman to do that..

This is something I've honestly been dreading growing in because so far, my 25 years of life have lead me not to trust women, to be frustrated with their general lack of courage and involvement, and especially despise the way women work against one another... The past 25 years have lead me to want to have absolutely nothing to do with women.. and now it drains my energy to do things that only involve women (aside from the one or two I'm closest to).

I know this is a brokenness in my God wants to repair.. and maybe for women in our church to grow I need to let Him work in me already..

But I don't even have a clue what most women here like to do.. I like to go fishing, camping, ride 4-wheelers.. but I do love to paint and make crafts I guess..

Lord, help me to learn and grow. I want to lead like You in a way that lasts and is meaningful, Lord. If I'm the one you have for these young women, Lord, I seriously need Your guidance, Your help, Your healing, and a godly woman to lead me in this would so seriously help beyond imagination.

Lord, I know You wouldn't keep reminding me of this burden if it weren't for a reason.