ADD Addiction

With everything going on, including being sick with different things for almost a week, running out of my ADD medicine was not something I was looking forward to.. at the same time, I knew it was going to happen.

I prepared myself for it the best i knew how and even tried telling myself that i hadn't actually run out.. but my body wasn't listening. Day one and i already had a raging migraine that was on the path of putting me in all system shut down mode. I have no clue how many excedrine i went thru yesterday but it still wasn't enough. My body hurt everywhere, like millions of little needles injecting poison that was making it harder to move muscles.

I've gone through the withdrawals before so I at least knew what to expect. I knew that my muscles weren't actually shutting down but it's still hard to function through the pain that my body tells me I'm experiencing .. so i just kept telling myself that there wasn't actually anything hurting me.

The last time I went without meds, the withdrawals just continued getting worse - for the entire two weeks I was waiting for the moment when it would get easier, the withdrawals would ease off only... that didn't happen. The thing about it is I knew that it wasn't actually going to kill me.. it just felt like it should.

So here i was again, i thought, and praying for most of the day since i SO was in tune with the fact that i needed God for every single step, every single sensory, every single moment. I was trying to come to terms with the fact that i just was going to have to get through this, praying that somehow i would still be able to function and keep my job.. that those close to me would be understanding.. but mostly that God would help.

And then i was sponsored. My meds were paid for. And i am so absolutely humbled and grateful. And addicted. I've known this for a while and i just avoid it. God, I'm do weak.. but thankful that He made a way and used the people that love me to prolong the inevitable.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Trading Addictions

Friday, I found myself out of cigarettes and honestly was tired of buying them. I'd been thinking about quitting smoking (tried a couple times before) but never really stayed committed to quitting. But it was different before. Before, my reasons for wanting to quit weren't rock solid, they weren't really anything I can remember even to this point.

My reasons now hardly include health. I mean, yeah, smoking causes cancer, heart problems, lung problems, decreases oxygen levels in your blood, etc. But I knew all of that BEFORE I ever started smoking and still chose to smoke so those reasons alone would never be reason enough for me to quit. I chose to quit this time because I want to be closer to God. I want that so bad that I know I can overcome this addiction.

I'm not saying that I believe anyone who smokes can never be close to God. No, I'm not saying that at all. This is a specific thing concerning me. I don't make much money where I work and something Bro. Steve said a Sunday or so ago was that God has blessed us with the money that we do have... I took that home and it stuck with me. It is a blessing and I'm just sending it up in smoke. I feel like what I'd been saying to God was "Thanks for this money, God! Now I'm going to go waste it on something totally meaningless that I will light on fire over and over and over and over again!" ... And then always run into the same problem: I don't make "enough" money.

Recently, I've wanted to do greater things with my money than light it on fire. Like start a bank account for Passion 2011! Sponser a child through Compassion International! And, I don't know, maybe be able to stop feeling like I never have money. Since I am committed to no longer smoking, I've already signed up to sponser a child in Honduras! Yay!

At the same time that it hasn't been easy so far, I know that this is something I want with all my heart. And I know that it will get easier. There's no certain crutch I've found, no special gum, no special item to hold in my hand, nothing to keep handy to put in my mouth.. NOTHING that will FULLY make the transition from an Addiction to Cigarettes to an Addition to JESUS super smooth, quick, and easy. But I do know that if the want, desire, and need to amplify my addiction to Jesus was missing, I wouldn't be able to kick the cigarettes. I could smoke for the next ten years if that need wasn't there and not care at all. But it IS there and I can't ignore it.

I've been in a LOT of prayer over the past few days and I'm sure it will be a couple weeks. And though I've been pretty crabby throughout each day and lacking in sleep and right now simply wanting to find a dark place to curl up in and cry, I know my God is with me and will never leave me. He knows my heart in this just as he knows everything else. God will use my struggles, my mistakes, my success and failures all for His glory. I praise Him always and finally FEEL like I'm showing (even if just a little better) how truly thankful I am to God for every breath I take.