Potential.

The past week has been a struggle. Today, it all came to a head. In a learning way.

I struggle a lot with feeling like I've failed, fallen short, messed up, etc. Sometimes it is more than a feeling, sometimes it is true. But then there are times, like now, when it isn't and I still struggle with feeling this way.. as if it was my fault the way things turned out.. as if the way things turned out were horrible.. when really, the result isn't horrible it just isn't the nice, easy, beautiful result that I had pictured.

What would we learn if there weren't bumps in the road? If the results always came as expected and when expected, how would we grow? Often I forget that it isn't the quick perfect result that I really desire, or even the lessons I will learn out of harder paths.. but it is the Lord's plan and results that I desire.

His plans are far greater and usually cause tremendous growth. His plans don't end so the result is something we definitely will not see tomorrow or the end of the semester.. He doesn't have an evaluation survey or annual report.. and nothing surprises Him along the way.

Essentially, I can rest in Him because He is in control of it all. That includes my own plans and their results, no matter how hard I try to obtain certain results, I need to rest in the results knowing I have done my best, in His name, and that the results may just be how He planned them. Lord knows I can't force anyone else to grow, no matter how much energy, time, and devotion I give them.. I think it is just taking a bit longer for me to grasp that. And even when I do understand, my heart still breaks for those I'm leading when they seem to run not only back to the starting line, but sometimes further.

Today, I poured out to a woman I look up to how it breaks my heart when its the end of your time with a person you've been leading that you see so much potential in them and know what great things they are capable of... and they never see it in themselves or believe in themselves the way I do... She smiled, teared-up with me, and replied, "And that is only the beginning, a tiny tiny glimpse, of how God feels about us."

I know that when I feel overwhelmed by what's on my plate, God is about to grow me. He never leaves me here, He knows my potential and what I am capable of even though I don't. I'm so thankful that my time for the Lord to lead me won't end.. I'm so thankful that He grows and pushes me to greater potential.. and I'm most thankful that He is the One in control.

Falling in love all over again

A couple weeks ago, I began praying to God... Nagging really... Praying that He would help me lead well.

So I immediately began seeking Him with all my heart. Diving deep into His word. I couldn't get enough! Reading a chapter in Colossians every days to prepare for Girls Thursday bible study wasn't cutting it. Key word searching and reading verses wasn't cutting it. Reading my favorite scriptures wasn't cutting it...

Tonight, after reading His word for nearly two hours at home, after Girls Study, I've noticed a change... I realized not only am I craving His word, but I'm craving His presence, craving simply to spend time with my Lord. To talk to Him. To give ample room to listen and be still before Him. And especially rejoicing to the point of blogging when I realized I was talking to Him out-loud today at work, on the drive home, and while planning activities for campus during my dinner.

Talking to Him out-loud might sound strange to some... But its what I did when I first met Him and was first walking with Him, crazy in love with Him.. I'm tearing up with joy writing this. I feel my soul lifting. Praise You, Lord Jesus. You are more worthy than all the love I could ever possibly give You but I know You still receive it.

Growing up in Jesus

James 1:2-4 NIV84 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

So far, I think this has been the best fast/devotion/life style change I've done with Jesus. And maybe the hardest. I've needed Him every moment to get this right. And in the moments I forget that, I find myself instantly struggling. (by the way, I'm talking about giving up discouragement) So much has been thrown at me by Satan since I've started and yet every time, my God has helped me through. I've been learning so much about myself, and growing. (Lord, THANK YOU for growing me!) Life is so much sweeter when I am controlling me. When I'm not being bitter, hateful, crude, or discouraging, or whining, or fighting. And even sweeterer (lol) when I'm encouraging, loving, uplifting, and discipling others.

James 3:8 NIV 84 "but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison."

We all I know I love a challenge.. especially when it is something I know makes God smile. I see this also as a warning from James - and he was so right. I don't want to waste anymore time dragging myself or anyone else down.

James 3:5-6 NIV84 "Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."

Think about it... When there hasn't been any rain and the earth is dry, all it takes is one leave getting too hot from the sun. What happens? The leave begins to smoke then there's a tiny flame. That one leave can cause a wildfire to engulf an entire forest in no time... That's what we do with our words, our texts, our Facebook status updates and comments when we aren't in line with God.

James 3:13 NIV84 "Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom."

Lately as I've been ministering to others, I've noticed that I sound a lot like my own Pastor - sharing what he has been teaching me in the Lord and praising Jesus for him and how his teaching matches God's word. This verse makes me first think of him... But then I realize that this includes me now, too. This verse encourages me to keep on striving and fighting against myself to look like Jesus - for my life to reflect Christ's life.

Here's some of God's word I've been marinating my heart in to help:

Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Hebrews 10:23 NIV "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

Philippians 4:4 NIV "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!"

Philippians 4:8 NIV "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Philippians 4:5 NIV "Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."

Romans 8:28 NIV84 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Mark 1:17 NIV84 “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”

Ephesians 5:1-4 NIV84 "1 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children2 and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving."

And so on.

there is a lesson in everything

Same book, same purpose.. different chapter.  Tomorrow I'm moving from the grandparents' house back home to mom and Wayne's.  While it's a great relief and a blessing to be able to move back home, my heart feels heavy..

before I go off on a tangent, here's what the blog was started for:

Lessons learned so far (on a tired brain)...
1.  I want the people in my life to know without a doubt that they are loved because they are God's beloved.
2.  I want the people in my life to not only feel their worth but know how valuable they are.
3.  I need to stop talking more often and listen.
4.  I can't fix or control or reverse the aging process.
5.  My heart breaks easier than I ever thought imaginable.
6.  If I feel like I'm in control, I should prepare for a crash landing - check my heart, check my pride, am I in control?
(to be continued)

My heart feels heavy... Not because of the hurtful things my grandfather said to me, not because Seth and I are both moving to different places.. mostly because more and more I'm seeing signs of just how much my grandparents are aging.  I've never experienced someone growing old and in a way, I feel like a child going to the Father - not understanding much at all about what's happening but broken-hearted from the fact that it's happening to begin with.  Today it all sank in a little more that their minds are aging, he doesn't remember things that he says and doesn't have a clue.. She can have entire conversations with me and not remember she even saw me.. For months I've been walking on eggshells without a way to defend myself other than not let the things they say get to me (which is hard).  I'm only realizing now just how much it affected me.


ugh, so tired.. so much to blog but I need sleep more than i need to blog.

2nd Sunday @ Beans

Maaaan, I was so nervous this morning.  But also excited!

It was our 2nd Sunday gathering at our new location (Stellar Beans coffee) for theCityChurch, the first Sunday gathering that my drums made an appearance (no, I did not play but Dave will teach me!), and I've known since Thursday that I was going to be the one to share my testimony of how God has been working in my life and what I've learned recently on my walk with Christ (see the post prior to this one).

I was so excited, I love talking about my Heavenly Father! I could go on for hours if given the opportunity to do so! ..but so far everyone else had only taken a couple minutes to share their story.. I know I'm long winded when it comes to how I've seen and felt God at work so the nerves started... Oh man, if I'm not careful it'll be 2 o-clock before anyone gets to exchange their prayer requests, haha.  I'd journaled my thoughts earlier in the week to capture them before my A.D.D. had a chance to demolished them and then put them here on my blog.. which I think only enabled my nerves to get me jittery even more.

After worship, Paul gave me my cue. [First mental note - Pattie, don't forget there are kids present, haha!] I'd been praying during worship and clearing my head of anything other than Jesus and my tiny little story. A minute or so into sharing, I froze!! [Second mental note - Jesus is so much more amazing that this story, those drums we played in here last Sunday evening were amazing too (sounds of the drums rang through my head).. I like Stellar Beans, we have church here. OH! Wait, that's now and I am speaking!! ugh, attention deficit disorder strikes again.] I pulled my thoughts back together and admitted I was nervous.  Yes! That was exactly what I needed to say because as soon as I said that I was nervous to the church gathered, it seemed so silly - I know everyone there (almost) and like half of them already know my testimony.  I continued on and then looked down next to Paul and saw the red light - I'm being recorded on video! [Third mental note - Agh!! lol.] Nah, it wasn't so bad. I did note out loud that I realized I was being filmed but continued. I don't like being filmed but at the same time... I'm so happy Paul thought of it. So many times I've wished things I'd said about what I've learned, seen, experienced on my walk with Christ had been recorded because sometimes they just fly out of me and I generally forget to write any of it down. I've "joked" about audio-recording my life to help me learn and grow... I don't know, it's weird.. once I realized the camera was going, my words just felt easier and I wanted to talk about the Lord even more. Then Dave started agreeing with me out loud about what I'd learned. Man, that was such encouragement to me! It wasn't until the end that it dawned on me that there was a non-Christian in the room! And one that I've recently met and been hanging around outside of the "church setting."

Then Paul gave a message on prayer. I'm always down for hearing about prayer and learning more about praying and.. praying! I appreciate Paul's way of presenting the Gospel in a way that's easy to remember.. And how he keeps it real.. Jesus said ask, seek, and knock... So we should ask, seek, and knock. (And the knocking on the brick wall while seeking God and talking/praying to Him was actually good - I mean really, if while seeking God we were lead to a brick wall and Jesus had said to knock, we'd knock!)

After the message, Paul had me pull a chair up and sit so that everyone could pray over me. At first it was a little weird having so many hands on me but then Tara took me hand and my brothers and sisters began to pray over me... it was so positively comforting, I don't really know how to describe it but I felt God in that moment so strong in the little huddle. I opened my eyes at one point as if expecting to see Him right there in front of me.

I feel so filled with God's presence and goodness, I'm even more excited to see what this week brings.

Oh!! And I didn't cry!! =D

Re-Wreckless Abandon starting now

Let me give you a little back story…   Up until 2 years ago, I’d been living my life with me as the ultimate star which included drugs, alcoholism, lesbian lifestyle, parties, fights, living for adrenaline, and couldn’t care less if there was a God or not.  Then came two sudden deaths in the family and my suddenly happy life was falling apart and there wasn’t enough alcohol or conquests to be had to make it any better… That’s when I came to know Jesus as my Lord in the Crystal’s parking lot through a stranger who shared the Gospel with me.. Fast-forward a little ways and, thanks to the Lord’s healing and grace, my life looks NOTHING like any of the things it once was filled with.

For a couple months now, I’ve been praying to reconnect with God and grow.  About a year or so ago, Paul explained what he meant when he said he was proud of me – part of it being how teachable I was, and how I didn’t act like I knew everything…  Where did that girl go?  When did I start thinking that I knew everything?  Because that is the farthest thing from the truth, man I need to RUN from this and back to God.

This past week started out in heartbreak for my own foolish mistakes.  And even in the middle of my heartache of my own doing, feeling like I’d failed and deserved this punishment, Paul was there saying it’s not punishment, God is the redeemer of lost days, He works all things together for good and.. “Pattie, I believe in you.”  Wait.. what?? Hold on.. It didn’t make any sense to me at first, I was struggling to believe he was being serious. That he was just trying to make me feel better.. But I know Paul, I trust Paul… So what am I not understanding in all of this?

Galatians / Philippians.. God help me see the good in all of this, help me see it’s for the best.. and quick!

Reading Philippians, I realized that my life is so different than it was a year ago and NOT for the better. My life used to be lining up with what God’s word says, I got lost.

Galatians 4:8-16 – I’ve read Galatians so many times but this time it was like I’d just received this letter in the mail with MY name on it.. I knew what I’d been doing wrong, it just hadn’t sunk in how wrong or destructive all of it was until this very moment when God used His words to break through to me – I’ve been treating my leader like he was the ground I walked on and he never deserved it, not one moment of it, not even for a second… And yet he still believes in me.

Where I went wrong:  I decided to start leading myself, thinking I knew everything and could do it on my own. Not only did I shut my leader out but I was shutting God’s word out and getting everything twisted.. essentially, I spent the past year tearing myself down without realizing it. But who would’ve known that from the outside, right?  I mean I wasn’t smoking, I wasn’t drinking, I was being sexually pure, I wasn’t doing drugs, or getting into fights… I never stopped praying, never stopped believing or worshipping.. Stayed in community and have even been helping plant a church… So I was following all the rules… Great job! That makes me a Pharisee!  …where has my heart been?

Now more than ever, I am so thankful he is my leader and still wants to lead me.. and believes in me. I need a leader.. and I need to listen to him because I’m likely NOT right and need to learn so that I can grow.  I could mourn over the past year but No! I have so been rejoicing this week that I am a new creation and confident in my Lord who has great plans for this new chapter of my life.

So I’m taking up my cross again in the wreckless abandon style and running to Jesus.  I so don’t want my life to make sense without Him and I don’t want to be caught sleeping when He returns. I have joy in how the Lord is working it all together, I see even more how He is preparing me for greater things.. like missions in Africa.

My God's not dead, He's living on the inside... Roaring like a lion!

Learn as You Go

I've noticed lately, as I've been reflecting on myself and how I react when communicating with others, well.. I've noticed a lot of things really. Like how easily conditioned I am (this really bothers me).. it generally only takes a couple times of getting the same results from something for me to always expect those results. Ugh!!
I've also noticed that I do some of the exact things to people that when they do it to me, I feel terribly discouraged. (Like not taking a moment to hear someone out.. instantly coming back with what I want to say, what I want to have on the table.. why do I do that?)
Part of my personality and the way I communicate is that I'm always expecting a lesson or to learn something from everything. Its just how my brain works. Very rarely do I think that people are simply talking rather than sharing information or something I need to learn from..
I've also noticed that I'm used to people giving up on me and therefore I'm used to things not working out and never going anywhere.. so I keep finding myself @ a point still expecting things to not work out and God keeps showing me that they are working out.. and I keep finding myself at a point where I don't understand the fact that Paul (especially, he puts up w/ me daily) hasn't given up on me.. not that I want him to give up, its just what I'm used to.. I can't help but think of Jesus and how He never quits.
The living situation makes reconditioning my mind more difficult.. I'm struggling lately with the transition each day.. at home I walk on eggshells around my grandfather to keep from fighting with him, we dont talk about anything meaningful, and I'm not allowed to voice my opinion... when I'm not at home / I'm at work, Paul wants me to communicate, voice my opinions, share my ideas, discuss things, be open, honest... and I'm struggling with even wanting to be vulnerable.
Its wearing on me more lately, I'm staying tired, emotionally on edge, and stuck somewhere in the middle of both worlds.. its really like servant vs royalty (home vs work).

I know God has a plan for all of this and that He really does make all things work together for my good.. I'm going on faith that He will get me to that point .. I've just gotta hold on and learn as I go.. I'm just saying if it could be sooner rather than later, that would be awesome.

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praise!

I've just gotta post this real quick as a praise to God...

I SLEPT LAST NIGHT!!! It was amazing. I slept for 6 solid hours and then another 3.. I would've slept even longer but the dog I was watching for someone last night really needed to go outside.. and I was starting to feel like a bum. ha!

But the extra 3 hours goes to having a great boss (thank you, Paul!) and being spoiled. Not that I've been sleeping hardly at all for the past week but really.. how many people can say that they have a boss that encourages them to sleep in??

I've also gotta praise God for my step-dad - God is building people right now and it's such a beautiful work He's doing. Wayne has re-discovered the JOY of having a relationship with Christ and wants to embrace that, I know he can do it! Wayne has been opening up to me (and apparently my brother now, too!) lately and it takes every ounce of my energy not to scream like the Saints just won the superbowl ;D Wayne has had a life full of the people he loved the most either passing away (wife/melissa's mother, his own mother, never knew his father, most of his children don't come around...) and he has lead a life full of sorrow, emptiness, lonliness, anger, guilt.. and now Wayne is seeing that the whole time, God was there loving him!

And me.. I feel God's grace building me up to carry out a mission for Him and I am so excited. I'm starting to see more purpose for things I've encountered.. Such as living life as a lesbian, and Him taking that away and being plopped into hetero-world. I'm happier but until recently, I didn't examine why I was happier... I'm happier because it's not something I have to deal with the world on so much anymore - God made my life easier. What I'm trying to say is I know that I'm happier (1) because it was my impossible for God and (2) the world hates gays.. therefore the world hated me.. and if I'm not gay, I'm not automatically hated by the world.

Once I realized that that was my #2 reason for being happy... That broke my heart.

I've gotta do something. I may never end up settling the war but I have to try. How can I just sit back and do nothing in the position that God has placed me? I don't think for one second that God would change me JUST so that I could have an easier life. NO! God knows I'm used to hard stuff and that I'm bored without it... And that when everything is going smooth, that's when I take time to break myself down personally to examine myself... lol, which usually starts because I feel like I'm missing something if everything is going smoothly and I must be distracted from God... (yes, this is the mentality I have from almost always being in hard stuff. But so far it really has helped me to grow myself spiritually and then take on the next hard thing)

All in all... It's been an amazing weekend. I can't wait to see what God has planned while I seek His face.