I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately. Not just from one person but from a few. And definitely feeling like I'm being pulled in a million different directions. It's not that I don't want to help... it's that I feel like it's expected of me. Like I'm obligated to a lot of the things I've been doing lately.
Thankfully, most of the things I'm talking about are things I want to be involved in, help with, and carry the name of Christ into... At the same time, I need rest - I know I do. Rest as in time for just me and God... Time to help me. Man, I could so use insurance right about now... just to go to the doctor and get affirmative peace of mind. I'm sure it's just from stress.
New topic: My little sister is such a blessing to me. Just hearing her telling an old friend about how I've changed, let God into my life, let Him heal me and how I'm living for Him... all I can do is praise God for her.. and cry, lol. oi..
Lord...
Dear Jesus,
Please tell me You are coming back soon. Because lately I'm feeling overwhelmed... and I haven't even started yet. I know that You live inside of me.. help me figure out how to stop suffocating You in there... help me live a life worthy of having You in there to begin with! I'm so tired of being so spoiled that my day can be discouraged by meaningless conversations and interactions I have with people... Lord, the conversations and interactions don't seem or feel meaningless but in comparison to You and Your story... it really is trivial. Lord, help me make such a big deal out of You all the time! I know if I could do that that You could use me for greater things... the life You have planned for me!
Lord I don't want to end up stuck here... and overwhelming days like today don't help. I'm fully aware that I can't do everything, I don't want to, I know I need You.. but it seems like everyone else expects me to do everything.. I'm so worn out.. I said a few times today that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with all of this but really I meant YOU, I can see You through all of this... So why don't I understand that seeing You is so much better than just getting through this overwhelming mess?
Is discouragement a trial? Today it seemed to be coming at me from every angle.. even the most unexpected ones. More and more this world is NOTHING that I want.. Today leaves me wanting to do nothing but be alone with You.. Maybe that's what I should've done instead. Lord, forgive me for forgetting that letting You down is infinitely worse than letting my fellow Christians down.
I need You, Lord.
Please tell me You are coming back soon. Because lately I'm feeling overwhelmed... and I haven't even started yet. I know that You live inside of me.. help me figure out how to stop suffocating You in there... help me live a life worthy of having You in there to begin with! I'm so tired of being so spoiled that my day can be discouraged by meaningless conversations and interactions I have with people... Lord, the conversations and interactions don't seem or feel meaningless but in comparison to You and Your story... it really is trivial. Lord, help me make such a big deal out of You all the time! I know if I could do that that You could use me for greater things... the life You have planned for me!
Lord I don't want to end up stuck here... and overwhelming days like today don't help. I'm fully aware that I can't do everything, I don't want to, I know I need You.. but it seems like everyone else expects me to do everything.. I'm so worn out.. I said a few times today that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with all of this but really I meant YOU, I can see You through all of this... So why don't I understand that seeing You is so much better than just getting through this overwhelming mess?
Is discouragement a trial? Today it seemed to be coming at me from every angle.. even the most unexpected ones. More and more this world is NOTHING that I want.. Today leaves me wanting to do nothing but be alone with You.. Maybe that's what I should've done instead. Lord, forgive me for forgetting that letting You down is infinitely worse than letting my fellow Christians down.
I need You, Lord.
the moment of.. 'Stop'
So glad it's Friday night. My body has been trying to get sick for a couple days now and... unless I sleep it off tonight, my body is going to temporarily win. My throat is so sore and I'm feeling really worn out. Ha, I should've known Wednesday when I was fighting to stay awake in a meeting that this way coming. So yeah, I'm glad it's Friday night - Saturday is usually my most laid back day. While my body may be needing rest, my spirit is so high today. I had a meeting out just south of the airport today that was so incredibly fun that I feel so hopeful again.. I walked out feeling a little taller (and not because of the shoes, haha!).
After work, I stopped by to visit with Granny (plus she said I had mail and a box of stuff). I love her so much. It was good to see her having such a good day.. We talked about family, what was weighing on her heart and then about church and HomeworkNight! I love it whenever Granny is able to be pro- whatever it is I'm also involved in, she's like my cheerleader in those moments.
I guess the point of this blog is really because today seems like one of those times when I'm able to see the world outside of myself... and realize how much change has been happening in my life and directly around me. It's honestly been a whirlwind.. Even sitting in the office south of town today and writing out alllllllll of the places I've lived in the past five years and having to make extra lines because there was only four lines made me realize how much I almost seem to constantly go through changes... So the point... The best way to describe it, I guess, is through trying to provide a visual. Visual: I'll tie it into physics.. Anytime a bullet is shot straight into the air (or a rock shot straight into the air from a sling shot), there's that moment in time when the bullet (or rock) actually stops.. It's not moving up and it's not quite yet falling. It's simply... in the air. Today feels like that moment for me.. though it's not really about climbing and falling so much as it is coming to a 'stop' before my 'direction' is about to change and take off rocketing again.
Part of me is sad and afraid, wanting to cling to where I am.. But it's also good.. Some things might be easier, many things are going to be harder but I know that God has it all planned out. In some ways I do feel like I've failed so far, especially as far as leadership goes. And it's tempting to be discouraged and think that with this upcoming change, I'll be even further away from where God wants me than when it started.. That I'm not even going to have time for it all now... It's been so easy to fit time in for things with where I've been the past nine months or so..
...it's that moment of 'stop' when it's all just... in the air.
After work, I stopped by to visit with Granny (plus she said I had mail and a box of stuff). I love her so much. It was good to see her having such a good day.. We talked about family, what was weighing on her heart and then about church and HomeworkNight! I love it whenever Granny is able to be pro- whatever it is I'm also involved in, she's like my cheerleader in those moments.
I guess the point of this blog is really because today seems like one of those times when I'm able to see the world outside of myself... and realize how much change has been happening in my life and directly around me. It's honestly been a whirlwind.. Even sitting in the office south of town today and writing out alllllllll of the places I've lived in the past five years and having to make extra lines because there was only four lines made me realize how much I almost seem to constantly go through changes... So the point... The best way to describe it, I guess, is through trying to provide a visual. Visual: I'll tie it into physics.. Anytime a bullet is shot straight into the air (or a rock shot straight into the air from a sling shot), there's that moment in time when the bullet (or rock) actually stops.. It's not moving up and it's not quite yet falling. It's simply... in the air. Today feels like that moment for me.. though it's not really about climbing and falling so much as it is coming to a 'stop' before my 'direction' is about to change and take off rocketing again.
Part of me is sad and afraid, wanting to cling to where I am.. But it's also good.. Some things might be easier, many things are going to be harder but I know that God has it all planned out. In some ways I do feel like I've failed so far, especially as far as leadership goes. And it's tempting to be discouraged and think that with this upcoming change, I'll be even further away from where God wants me than when it started.. That I'm not even going to have time for it all now... It's been so easy to fit time in for things with where I've been the past nine months or so..
...it's that moment of 'stop' when it's all just... in the air.
Jesus prayed
John 17:6-19
6 “I have revealed you[a] to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. 7 Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. 8 For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. 9 I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. 10 All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. 11 I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of[b] your name, the name you gave me, so that they may be one as we are one. 12 While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by[c] that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled.
6 “I have revealed you[a] to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. 7 Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. 8 For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. 9 I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. 10 All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. 11 I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of[b] your name, the name you gave me, so that they may be one as we are one. 12 While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by[c] that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled.
13 “I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them.14 I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. 15 My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. 16 They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. 17 Sanctify them by[d] the truth; your word is truth. 18 As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. 19 For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.
Breathtaking. The love from Jesus just pours out in His prayer. Go back and read each verse by itself a couple times.. Man.
It's already February..
A month. It's already been a month. And still no luck. I know things will work out according to God's plan and I've been good with that.. It's just hard waiting. But I know worrying isn't going to make things happen any faster.. (I've even said this to the worry-wart I'm trying to influence and showed her what it looked like to not worry... not that she cares, really.)
A month of what seems like constant trial... Life is definitely interesting, to say the least. Each day throws a curve ball from a completely different angle. I know if I wasn't connected to the Father, it would seem like chaos right now, I'm sure. But I've learned that if I become discouraged at any moment, I have to force myself to stop, realign my thoughts to HIS plan and who HE is, wrap myself in His truth, and worship Him for who He is.
So here I still am, rejoicing through the trials.. and needing sleep to come and a headache to go away.
A month of what seems like constant trial... Life is definitely interesting, to say the least. Each day throws a curve ball from a completely different angle. I know if I wasn't connected to the Father, it would seem like chaos right now, I'm sure. But I've learned that if I become discouraged at any moment, I have to force myself to stop, realign my thoughts to HIS plan and who HE is, wrap myself in His truth, and worship Him for who He is.
So here I still am, rejoicing through the trials.. and needing sleep to come and a headache to go away.
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