Lately I just feel so far behind. It's been keeping me restless for a while and the longer I'm unemployed, the more I can't just ignore it. I'm 24 now and yet thought I had it together so much more at 23 and even more together at 22... I made decisions then that I thought were the right ones, the last thing I thought was that I'd end up more behind than were I was when I made those decisions.. Haha.. decisions made on faith and a passion for God's kingdom.
Maybe I wasn't ready.. I mean, I thought I was.. but now I just feel like I got lost, distracted, and even went through a period of depression that did SO much damage relationship-wise.. Which ultimately got me.. here. Behind. I feel like I should have more of my life together by now.. I haven't been in college for a couple of years, the last place I should be is unemployed and living with my parents. I feel like I should be somewhat successful by now yet I've never felt more of the opposite.
I feel so absolutely stuck.. this past week (or two) has been hard. I'm struggling with jealousy - feeling replaced. At the same time, it makes sense to utilize people that have more of a church background and know more about church/religion/God than I do.. which leads me back to 'maybe I wasn't ready.' But feeling replaced is so bringing me to a halt, causing me to not even want to try... especially since I feel like I'd just be trying to impress people.. It's a vicious cycle - when I do try (and the more I try), I'm just even more... stuck.
not so weird
Tired but wanted to capture this before I went to sleep...
Yesterday, Sam was keeping me company at work and somehow the conversation (on my end) lead to how I don't feel like I'm very "girly" and how saddening that can be sometimes.. I immediately attempted to blow the thought away that had just escaped my mouth but the look on Sam's face made me hesitate because it seemed he didn't agree.
Apparently, I'm girly in a guy's eyes! Hey, that's pretty cool. Haha, so then the conversation got even more encouraging...
"So if I'm girly, what do you consider [girly person to remain nameless]?" I asked.
Sam replied with eyes wide, "Over the top!"
So maybe I'm not as weird as I sometimes think after all.
Plus, I'd SO much rather go mud-riding, four-wheeler riding, fishing, shooting, you name it with the boys any day than learn how to walk in heels that just cost WAY too much anyway.
...and i just started talking
I'm so thankful for the past couple of days. It's hard digging deep inside myself to sort things out but always so rewarding once I have the light-bulb moment. The past couple of days have been the result of all my digging (for a while now like.. a few months at least).
Prayer can be very beautiful. Or it can be stale. It finally dawned on me that my prayer-time had become very stale... With the repeat pattern from anytime I'm in community of using a 'sharable' prayer, I'd not been aware that this was the same I was doing with God. Which essentially meant I wasn't being very open with God at all.
The past couple of weeks for sure, I'd noticed it and was struggling with it. Why wasn't I being open with God? Why did I feel like I didn't know how? What was it going to take for me to break the wall back down?
Answer: The fear of being WITHOUT God was all it took. Because if there is a wall between me and God then that means I'm isolating myself and that N E V E R goes anything less than horrible!
So Saturday night I went back through the steps of how I spent my favorite time with God at the old house. Ooooh yeah! Laying in my bed on my back, hands stretched up high, eyes closed - no distractions. It took a moment still for me to get my mind right but man, oh man, I knew I needed to talk to my Lord more than I needed anything I could possibly think of doing.
And I just started talking. Out loud. I apologized for not talking to Him for so long.. and for sending up prayers like they were post cards rather than really acknowledging He was constantly here with me the entire time, and praised Him for His faithfulness. I apologized for worrying more what someone else thought of me rather than what HE thought of me, and praised Him for His love. And then I felt the freedom again like I used to - the freedom to spill my heart and brain out to my heavenly Father who delights in every single word. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep talking to Him.
Today (Sunday) was amazing. I woke up feeling so alive and calm and felt so comfortable in my own skin again like I haven't in quite a while. Ahhhhhh. Jesus, You are awesome =)
Prayer can be very beautiful. Or it can be stale. It finally dawned on me that my prayer-time had become very stale... With the repeat pattern from anytime I'm in community of using a 'sharable' prayer, I'd not been aware that this was the same I was doing with God. Which essentially meant I wasn't being very open with God at all.
The past couple of weeks for sure, I'd noticed it and was struggling with it. Why wasn't I being open with God? Why did I feel like I didn't know how? What was it going to take for me to break the wall back down?
Answer: The fear of being WITHOUT God was all it took. Because if there is a wall between me and God then that means I'm isolating myself and that N E V E R goes anything less than horrible!
So Saturday night I went back through the steps of how I spent my favorite time with God at the old house. Ooooh yeah! Laying in my bed on my back, hands stretched up high, eyes closed - no distractions. It took a moment still for me to get my mind right but man, oh man, I knew I needed to talk to my Lord more than I needed anything I could possibly think of doing.
And I just started talking. Out loud. I apologized for not talking to Him for so long.. and for sending up prayers like they were post cards rather than really acknowledging He was constantly here with me the entire time, and praised Him for His faithfulness. I apologized for worrying more what someone else thought of me rather than what HE thought of me, and praised Him for His love. And then I felt the freedom again like I used to - the freedom to spill my heart and brain out to my heavenly Father who delights in every single word. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep talking to Him.
Today (Sunday) was amazing. I woke up feeling so alive and calm and felt so comfortable in my own skin again like I haven't in quite a while. Ahhhhhh. Jesus, You are awesome =)
let's start over...
My blogs always come out better in my head... lol, I think that might be what keeps me from blogging more often. That but mostly the fear of being misunderstood. ...fear.
How is it that the more I learn about following Christ and the more I dive into real community with others, I develop more and more fears that were never really a problem before? Honestly, I think all these fears are the complete opposite from what I'm supposed to be experiencing... It's for freedom that He set me free, not for fear. I don't know how to conquer my fears but I do know that I am capable of pushing through even when I am still afraid.
What if I mess up? ...or worse, what if I blew it already? Huh.. regardless, I guess it's not a surprise to God. He definitely saw it coming. ...what if I can't get my eyes off of the smaller picture in order to see the bigger picture? Because blowing it in one situation with one person would be so small in comparison.
I'm so afraid to open back up, to be really gut-wrenching honest. Being reminded of how broken I am, how much stress I cause, how negative and needy I am only adds to this fear so I retreat even more. This is all still NEW to me. Lately I feel more isolated and trapped than ever... My non-Christian friends have been more encouraging as a whole. It's no one's fault but the ability to communicate what's really going on with me just.. sucks. I'm so tired of pretending everything is fine to make people happy, to make sure I act/speak/communicate in the way that suits others in order to keep stress and conflict down. It's exhausting being an actress all the time and it's doing so much more damage than good that I feel like I'm just going backwards. I'm struggling again with things that hadn't been a problem anymore and yet somehow it's easier for me to type this into a blog and post on the internet than communicate to the people I'm closest to.
The past couple of days, a twinge of jealousy crept in when thinking about my old friends - they can be themselves and not be so bound up in themselves from having to pretend in order to keep peace and put on a good face.
God, I messed all of this up so bad. Help me forgive myself the way You can forgive me because I know that maybe if I could do that.. it wouldn't matter how anyone else continued reacting to me because I wouldn't feel so much guilt when it comes to this. I've tried to trace it back to how I got lost and it all happened in the first place but I can't and at this point, it doesn't really matter. I need You, Father.. You and I both know I don't want to walk away as tempting as it may seem, I love You way too much for that but God this is so hard and I need direction. I should've come to You in the first place but instead I tried to be a "big girl" even though we both know that never gets me anywhere... Lord, soften my heart like it was before - Break me, Lord, let's just start over.. If I could have nothing else, God, I want to start over with You..
How is it that the more I learn about following Christ and the more I dive into real community with others, I develop more and more fears that were never really a problem before? Honestly, I think all these fears are the complete opposite from what I'm supposed to be experiencing... It's for freedom that He set me free, not for fear. I don't know how to conquer my fears but I do know that I am capable of pushing through even when I am still afraid.
What if I mess up? ...or worse, what if I blew it already? Huh.. regardless, I guess it's not a surprise to God. He definitely saw it coming. ...what if I can't get my eyes off of the smaller picture in order to see the bigger picture? Because blowing it in one situation with one person would be so small in comparison.
I'm so afraid to open back up, to be really gut-wrenching honest. Being reminded of how broken I am, how much stress I cause, how negative and needy I am only adds to this fear so I retreat even more. This is all still NEW to me. Lately I feel more isolated and trapped than ever... My non-Christian friends have been more encouraging as a whole. It's no one's fault but the ability to communicate what's really going on with me just.. sucks. I'm so tired of pretending everything is fine to make people happy, to make sure I act/speak/communicate in the way that suits others in order to keep stress and conflict down. It's exhausting being an actress all the time and it's doing so much more damage than good that I feel like I'm just going backwards. I'm struggling again with things that hadn't been a problem anymore and yet somehow it's easier for me to type this into a blog and post on the internet than communicate to the people I'm closest to.
The past couple of days, a twinge of jealousy crept in when thinking about my old friends - they can be themselves and not be so bound up in themselves from having to pretend in order to keep peace and put on a good face.
God, I messed all of this up so bad. Help me forgive myself the way You can forgive me because I know that maybe if I could do that.. it wouldn't matter how anyone else continued reacting to me because I wouldn't feel so much guilt when it comes to this. I've tried to trace it back to how I got lost and it all happened in the first place but I can't and at this point, it doesn't really matter. I need You, Father.. You and I both know I don't want to walk away as tempting as it may seem, I love You way too much for that but God this is so hard and I need direction. I should've come to You in the first place but instead I tried to be a "big girl" even though we both know that never gets me anywhere... Lord, soften my heart like it was before - Break me, Lord, let's just start over.. If I could have nothing else, God, I want to start over with You..
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