I have a ROOM!!

I have a room!!  And it's mine. I can walk around in it, there's a CHAIR in here that reclines... I have a bedside table. There's a lamp on it. The lamp works! It's on right now. Mom bought me a SHELF to put my stuff on!! And cubes! Cubes to put things in and keep my stuff organized.  I have a closet again so I hung all my clothes in it today, hung my shoe rack holder thing in it, too. Oh and there's a shelf across the top of the closet that I've put other stuff on until I have more time to go through and get things organized better. And the parents hung one of my paintings on the wall. Mom even helped my re-organize the furniture in the room to the way I wanted my room set up.. It's silly how something so simple like having a room that I can really call mine brings me to tears.. but it does. I finally feel like I have a home.. I even have a key to the screen door so I can't be locked out. This almost seems like a dream.

Rejoicing through Trials

I'm slowly learning that if I want to have time to reflect, breathe, and sort things out before an avalanche of influences, opinions, etc. come my way, I should hold off on sharing / blogging / updating my status / even texting a friend about it. 

That being said, here comes a blog post!

A week ago now, I moved back to mom and Wayne's and Seth moved to a friend's. (I miss him already.) A week.. wow, it went by so fast and there was so much packed into it. It wasn't until today that I had time to unpack anything at all. I thought I was going to have more time but didn't - but at least I got some of my clothes hung up! I can at least get to my closet a little easier now. 

I always say that I would be bored if my life was easy and that I would probably go insane because I wouldn't know what to do... lol, I still stand by that - as crazy as life has continued to get lately, I'm just more and more grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. He gives my life - all the headaches and heart breaks - hope and purpose. Purpose.. I like that.

This week just keeps me focused on Him even more.  I'm so thankful to have heard from the Father while at Passion, that He has me in a state of preparation right now - knowing that through everything that has been going on lately has given me so much peace. I really feel so connected to Him these past few days that I'm starting to understand exactly how it is completely possible to rejoice while going through trials. "Be prepared," is what has been on my brain lately.  

Rejoicing through the trials - It's an honor to be on mission, carrying the name of Jesus with my life. 

Trials teach me to trust Christ, to give Him the control, to stay surrendered to Him.

Trials help me praise Him for every breath and understand that He has a purpose for each one of them.

Trials build character in me as a follower of Christ, as a woman, as a friend, as a leader.  

Trials make me stronger and rely on Him to be strong when I am not.

Trials test my ability to use the gifts that the Father has given me.

Trials give me confidence in Him as my Lord that He will come through, nothing can stop Him.

Trials provide me more experience with the hard things in life and different ways to handle them with Christ.

Trials prepare me for the Lord's will for my life, my ministry.. my purpose.

Again, I stand by it when I say that I'd be bored if my life was easy and there weren't any trials.. I'm falling more and more in love with the Father.  I want everything He has planned for me and I don't want Him to hold back.  I'm thinking that He has designed me for hard things.

So my family is falling apart, broken, and dysfunctional - I love them more because of the Father. I've had to move yet again - It's a blessing, really, that I even have a home.  I've had absolutely no luck in finding a job - I'm trusting in HIS plan for my life and that includes today, tomorrow, and every day after that.  But really, all in all... this portion of my life is a walk in the park compared to things that I've been through before.

My life is only a disaster when I'm trying to be the one in control.  When I let the Lord reign over my life, I'm right (perfectly) where I need to be.  What's better than that?!

Momentum

Man oh man, HomeworkNight is so gaining momentum, it's so gotta be close to impossible to have not heard something about HomeworkNight in Lake Charles. The press and local news are so all over this! Jesus is all over this! I'm so pumped!

I'm even more pumped when I take into consideration that the more the city looks like it's going to be different, the harder my own personal life seems to be getting.  You know what that means?  That's right, it means Satan is scared and trying all sorts of tricks to knock this momentum out of God's equation.

So just when I feel like I don't have enough time to fit everything in during the week, it's time to fit MORE time in for Jesus in prayer, through God's word, through conversation about Him with the family...

Lord, we need you now more than ever.

Night 2

So tired. Homework Night was so inspiring, I can't wait to see what next week brings. But today I'm so tired, lol! It wasn't 8pm before I was tired and could've gone to bed.. and probably should have. Lord, I need rest right now to even attempt to get through this week because it is so packed.. I need your help for sure. You're the one who is worth it.

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there is a lesson in everything

Same book, same purpose.. different chapter.  Tomorrow I'm moving from the grandparents' house back home to mom and Wayne's.  While it's a great relief and a blessing to be able to move back home, my heart feels heavy..

before I go off on a tangent, here's what the blog was started for:

Lessons learned so far (on a tired brain)...
1.  I want the people in my life to know without a doubt that they are loved because they are God's beloved.
2.  I want the people in my life to not only feel their worth but know how valuable they are.
3.  I need to stop talking more often and listen.
4.  I can't fix or control or reverse the aging process.
5.  My heart breaks easier than I ever thought imaginable.
6.  If I feel like I'm in control, I should prepare for a crash landing - check my heart, check my pride, am I in control?
(to be continued)

My heart feels heavy... Not because of the hurtful things my grandfather said to me, not because Seth and I are both moving to different places.. mostly because more and more I'm seeing signs of just how much my grandparents are aging.  I've never experienced someone growing old and in a way, I feel like a child going to the Father - not understanding much at all about what's happening but broken-hearted from the fact that it's happening to begin with.  Today it all sank in a little more that their minds are aging, he doesn't remember things that he says and doesn't have a clue.. She can have entire conversations with me and not remember she even saw me.. For months I've been walking on eggshells without a way to defend myself other than not let the things they say get to me (which is hard).  I'm only realizing now just how much it affected me.


ugh, so tired.. so much to blog but I need sleep more than i need to blog.

Life a little easier.

Today I figured out how to use the internet on my phone provide internet to the laptop.  The first attempt didn't let me access email, blogger, onthecity... but I could get on facebook! lol.. The second attempt is how I'm now blogging. Oh! And the application sends any texts I receive while using the internet to my computer and I can text back without skipping a beat.

Essentially... I have internet at home now! Ahhhhh, so good.

Today has just been absolutely amazing... Walk for Education to promote Homework Night, 42 people signed up to be mentors, it didn't rain until RIGHT when we got to Zion Tabernacle, we got to see the brand new beautiful building at Zion with all the classrooms, lunch from Fresh Tacos, spending 2nd half of day with the fam, and internet at the hizzie!

It's only 8:30pm and I feel like I could sleep for the next day. Praying the knee & hip-joint are right as rain en la manana.

2nd Sunday @ Beans

Maaaan, I was so nervous this morning.  But also excited!

It was our 2nd Sunday gathering at our new location (Stellar Beans coffee) for theCityChurch, the first Sunday gathering that my drums made an appearance (no, I did not play but Dave will teach me!), and I've known since Thursday that I was going to be the one to share my testimony of how God has been working in my life and what I've learned recently on my walk with Christ (see the post prior to this one).

I was so excited, I love talking about my Heavenly Father! I could go on for hours if given the opportunity to do so! ..but so far everyone else had only taken a couple minutes to share their story.. I know I'm long winded when it comes to how I've seen and felt God at work so the nerves started... Oh man, if I'm not careful it'll be 2 o-clock before anyone gets to exchange their prayer requests, haha.  I'd journaled my thoughts earlier in the week to capture them before my A.D.D. had a chance to demolished them and then put them here on my blog.. which I think only enabled my nerves to get me jittery even more.

After worship, Paul gave me my cue. [First mental note - Pattie, don't forget there are kids present, haha!] I'd been praying during worship and clearing my head of anything other than Jesus and my tiny little story. A minute or so into sharing, I froze!! [Second mental note - Jesus is so much more amazing that this story, those drums we played in here last Sunday evening were amazing too (sounds of the drums rang through my head).. I like Stellar Beans, we have church here. OH! Wait, that's now and I am speaking!! ugh, attention deficit disorder strikes again.] I pulled my thoughts back together and admitted I was nervous.  Yes! That was exactly what I needed to say because as soon as I said that I was nervous to the church gathered, it seemed so silly - I know everyone there (almost) and like half of them already know my testimony.  I continued on and then looked down next to Paul and saw the red light - I'm being recorded on video! [Third mental note - Agh!! lol.] Nah, it wasn't so bad. I did note out loud that I realized I was being filmed but continued. I don't like being filmed but at the same time... I'm so happy Paul thought of it. So many times I've wished things I'd said about what I've learned, seen, experienced on my walk with Christ had been recorded because sometimes they just fly out of me and I generally forget to write any of it down. I've "joked" about audio-recording my life to help me learn and grow... I don't know, it's weird.. once I realized the camera was going, my words just felt easier and I wanted to talk about the Lord even more. Then Dave started agreeing with me out loud about what I'd learned. Man, that was such encouragement to me! It wasn't until the end that it dawned on me that there was a non-Christian in the room! And one that I've recently met and been hanging around outside of the "church setting."

Then Paul gave a message on prayer. I'm always down for hearing about prayer and learning more about praying and.. praying! I appreciate Paul's way of presenting the Gospel in a way that's easy to remember.. And how he keeps it real.. Jesus said ask, seek, and knock... So we should ask, seek, and knock. (And the knocking on the brick wall while seeking God and talking/praying to Him was actually good - I mean really, if while seeking God we were lead to a brick wall and Jesus had said to knock, we'd knock!)

After the message, Paul had me pull a chair up and sit so that everyone could pray over me. At first it was a little weird having so many hands on me but then Tara took me hand and my brothers and sisters began to pray over me... it was so positively comforting, I don't really know how to describe it but I felt God in that moment so strong in the little huddle. I opened my eyes at one point as if expecting to see Him right there in front of me.

I feel so filled with God's presence and goodness, I'm even more excited to see what this week brings.

Oh!! And I didn't cry!! =D

Re-Wreckless Abandon starting now

Let me give you a little back story…   Up until 2 years ago, I’d been living my life with me as the ultimate star which included drugs, alcoholism, lesbian lifestyle, parties, fights, living for adrenaline, and couldn’t care less if there was a God or not.  Then came two sudden deaths in the family and my suddenly happy life was falling apart and there wasn’t enough alcohol or conquests to be had to make it any better… That’s when I came to know Jesus as my Lord in the Crystal’s parking lot through a stranger who shared the Gospel with me.. Fast-forward a little ways and, thanks to the Lord’s healing and grace, my life looks NOTHING like any of the things it once was filled with.

For a couple months now, I’ve been praying to reconnect with God and grow.  About a year or so ago, Paul explained what he meant when he said he was proud of me – part of it being how teachable I was, and how I didn’t act like I knew everything…  Where did that girl go?  When did I start thinking that I knew everything?  Because that is the farthest thing from the truth, man I need to RUN from this and back to God.

This past week started out in heartbreak for my own foolish mistakes.  And even in the middle of my heartache of my own doing, feeling like I’d failed and deserved this punishment, Paul was there saying it’s not punishment, God is the redeemer of lost days, He works all things together for good and.. “Pattie, I believe in you.”  Wait.. what?? Hold on.. It didn’t make any sense to me at first, I was struggling to believe he was being serious. That he was just trying to make me feel better.. But I know Paul, I trust Paul… So what am I not understanding in all of this?

Galatians / Philippians.. God help me see the good in all of this, help me see it’s for the best.. and quick!

Reading Philippians, I realized that my life is so different than it was a year ago and NOT for the better. My life used to be lining up with what God’s word says, I got lost.

Galatians 4:8-16 – I’ve read Galatians so many times but this time it was like I’d just received this letter in the mail with MY name on it.. I knew what I’d been doing wrong, it just hadn’t sunk in how wrong or destructive all of it was until this very moment when God used His words to break through to me – I’ve been treating my leader like he was the ground I walked on and he never deserved it, not one moment of it, not even for a second… And yet he still believes in me.

Where I went wrong:  I decided to start leading myself, thinking I knew everything and could do it on my own. Not only did I shut my leader out but I was shutting God’s word out and getting everything twisted.. essentially, I spent the past year tearing myself down without realizing it. But who would’ve known that from the outside, right?  I mean I wasn’t smoking, I wasn’t drinking, I was being sexually pure, I wasn’t doing drugs, or getting into fights… I never stopped praying, never stopped believing or worshipping.. Stayed in community and have even been helping plant a church… So I was following all the rules… Great job! That makes me a Pharisee!  …where has my heart been?

Now more than ever, I am so thankful he is my leader and still wants to lead me.. and believes in me. I need a leader.. and I need to listen to him because I’m likely NOT right and need to learn so that I can grow.  I could mourn over the past year but No! I have so been rejoicing this week that I am a new creation and confident in my Lord who has great plans for this new chapter of my life.

So I’m taking up my cross again in the wreckless abandon style and running to Jesus.  I so don’t want my life to make sense without Him and I don’t want to be caught sleeping when He returns. I have joy in how the Lord is working it all together, I see even more how He is preparing me for greater things.. like missions in Africa.

My God's not dead, He's living on the inside... Roaring like a lion!