Hurt

I've never been as heart broken as I am now. I feel like a piece of me was just ripped from my chest. No warning, no discussion, just.. over. Done. I thought things were picking up again in ways we've never seen... I thought things were about to get better..

God, I know what you showed me and I've never let go of that.. but God, I'm at a loss for words. And I'm so hurt and angry and can't remember the last time I cried this hard.. I've been begging for Your help. For Your guidance and Your hand.. Where are You?

Healing.. unexpectedly

Sometimes things we don't want to do or help with because they seem silly, or lame, or even trivial.. are the exact things that God puts in our path to heal us.. unexpectedly.

My church had been preparing to help with an elementary school's father daughter dance and, honestly it wasn't something I wanted to go to. Helping with graphics and preparation was one thing... But going? I was still battling the urge not to go as I was driving to the school today. And even once I was there, I wanted to run.

I've forgiven my father for what he did to me as a child, and everything since then.. but forgiving and truly healing are so different. So many memories have been coming back over the past few weeks leading up to today.. nothing overwhelming, just memories I had locked away. On purpose.

God's plan was different. Better.

I watched all the dad's with their daughters at the dance and saw how special it was to not only the little girls, but for the dads as well....and I just felt... awkward, when I stopped to let myself think about it.

I never had those memories, happily dancing with my dad... Even when things were better, I never would be seen dancing with my dad - he always embarrassed me and I felt like it was creepy. All the pictures of the dads with their daughters were beautiful.. I never had any of those.

While I felt like I didn't need a dad growing up... I did. I still do. I'm picking up on that fact now. I'm broken.

So the father daughter dance wasn't silly, lame, or trivial.. in fact, it was necessary and monumental. Life is hard and not just for me. It's hard for.. well, everyone. Daughters need their dads.. I'm so glad God talked me into attending my first father daughter dance so I could dance a little healing with my Heavenly Father. I'm so thankful that the Father is so gentle in restoring the battle scars in my life with certain things that are hard for me. His love for me still blows me away.

burning my ship

Tonight at group, we read chapter 10 of Search and Rescue. Paul had us write out what the author said to do at the end of the chapter... Either a resignation letter to something we were leaving behind or an epitaph for what we wanted to be remembered for.. as soon as I started writing the letter, it was completely different than I had expected it to be.

At the beginning of group, Paul asked who wanted to start. So I nominated Paul. He is a great story teller and the author starts with stories in each chapter of this book. "I don't like starting," flew out of my mouth next. Paul's response was that he does definitely like starting things... We all chuckled a moment and he started..

I sat there thinking about how true this was for me.. I really do not like starting things. Even when I paint. Every single time I procrastinate and stress out. But once I start, I feel right at home... Until I royally screw up. Once that happens, I tend to not want to even talk about continuing, fixing it, that I ever started it... And this pains me. Physically pains me. I don't like going in the office at Lake Street because I completely screwed up my wall mural that was so beautiful. Here it is an entire year later and I haven't touched it since that day. For a while, I would get angry anytime I went in there. Now I look at it and either tense up, get a pain in my stomach, or stand in the doorway... I plan to finish it, but I'm so overwhelmed by it..

The mural isn't the only one, its just the most visible one that I have to look at so often.

But I HATE leaving things incomplete.. unfinished.. it brings me physical, mental, and emotional pain. I know this must be something God wired in to me.. so why can't I simply embrace this part of me? The longing to finish things that have been started, and finish them well. Why am I so afraid to try again? Why do I let doubts and the fear of failure cripple me? Why do I beat myself up about this part of me? I know how to encourage myself, but often its as if I don't believe myself after I've messed up.

...but I have to finish the mural. Man, thats the room where Paul likes to meet and give me projects.. and I sit there beating myself up over how I can't finish things so why start new projects he wants me to work on?

Lord, help heal this brokenness in me. Give me the courage to finish things I've screwed up on, to fix them and be joyful in the accomplishment. Lord, I know this might feel like a terrible growing pain but I'm so tired of treading here in the water.. help me to STOP giving up when things go south. Lord, I need your strength, grace, mercy, and healing to badly in this area.. I want to lead well and make You smile with how I lead.. I know this means I have to ditch this fear that cripples me immediately. Help me overcome myself, Lord.

Falling in love all over again

A couple weeks ago, I began praying to God... Nagging really... Praying that He would help me lead well.

So I immediately began seeking Him with all my heart. Diving deep into His word. I couldn't get enough! Reading a chapter in Colossians every days to prepare for Girls Thursday bible study wasn't cutting it. Key word searching and reading verses wasn't cutting it. Reading my favorite scriptures wasn't cutting it...

Tonight, after reading His word for nearly two hours at home, after Girls Study, I've noticed a change... I realized not only am I craving His word, but I'm craving His presence, craving simply to spend time with my Lord. To talk to Him. To give ample room to listen and be still before Him. And especially rejoicing to the point of blogging when I realized I was talking to Him out-loud today at work, on the drive home, and while planning activities for campus during my dinner.

Talking to Him out-loud might sound strange to some... But its what I did when I first met Him and was first walking with Him, crazy in love with Him.. I'm tearing up with joy writing this. I feel my soul lifting. Praise You, Lord Jesus. You are more worthy than all the love I could ever possibly give You but I know You still receive it.

What makes a woman great?

It struck me today at group how the men far out number the women in our church.. especially for those of us in our 20s.. the other women in our church are married and their husbands are present on Sunday's as well..

Knowing that the young women who do find our church look to me for spiritual guidance, I feel that maybe I've been failing the women who have come our way. I'm not exactly feminine by any means, but I am involved and a leader.. its just part of how I tick, how God made me (leading, that is).. so I've found myself asking a question over and over lately...

What makes a woman great? What does it look like for a woman to be Godly? How is it different than when a man looks Godly? I don't want to take the back seat and just be a great speaker and/or writer, I want to really be involved in service and leading but I don't know what it looks like for a woman to do that..

This is something I've honestly been dreading growing in because so far, my 25 years of life have lead me not to trust women, to be frustrated with their general lack of courage and involvement, and especially despise the way women work against one another... The past 25 years have lead me to want to have absolutely nothing to do with women.. and now it drains my energy to do things that only involve women (aside from the one or two I'm closest to).

I know this is a brokenness in my God wants to repair.. and maybe for women in our church to grow I need to let Him work in me already..

But I don't even have a clue what most women here like to do.. I like to go fishing, camping, ride 4-wheelers.. but I do love to paint and make crafts I guess..

Lord, help me to learn and grow. I want to lead like You in a way that lasts and is meaningful, Lord. If I'm the one you have for these young women, Lord, I seriously need Your guidance, Your help, Your healing, and a godly woman to lead me in this would so seriously help beyond imagination.

Lord, I know You wouldn't keep reminding me of this burden if it weren't for a reason.

I don't need to understand, Lord.

Over the past few weeks, I find myself having said to God, several times, 'Lord, I don't know why you are letting this be so hard.' Yet I have not found myself asking Him why.. I do not need to understand why. I do know that God is building and molding me to His image every day. I also know that His word says that we shouldn't be surprised when the world hates us, He warns us that we will have trouble in life, and He gives us more than we can handle on our own so that we are reminded that we need Him.

So I'm thankful for trials and challenges. His plan is perfect and I want nothing less than what my creator has planned for me. This doesn't mean that I am happy to be going through so many battles, but I rejoice that He is with me, growing me in faith, and entrusting me with more.

God made me the outgoing, highly social, creative multi-tasker with a heart for college students that I am.. for a reason. I don't need to know why or how everything is going to work out.  But I do know that I am trusting Him and blessed to be where I am.. so despite the struggles, I'm continuing to give it my all, persevere, and enjoy this life.

The Beginning.

He is my EVERYTHING

Everlasting is the Father, death could not keep Him!

Vast beyond comprehension is His perfect love for us, that He left His seat in heaven to come to this lowly earth out of love for His children.

Eternity with the Father because Jesus died for me.

Resurrected on the third day, Jesus sealed me in His kingdom.

Yeilding, I find myself in awe of all He has done.. and that I even get to call Him 'Father'.

Thirsty? Never again, Jesus is my living water. He is all I need.

Hung on a cross, Jesus died in my place - the Perfection sacrificed Himself for death to become life.

Interceding... Jesus even PRAYS for me...

Never will Jesus be apart from me, His spirit dwells in me.

Glory to His name, Father all to bring You fame!

Growing up in Jesus

James 1:2-4 NIV84 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

So far, I think this has been the best fast/devotion/life style change I've done with Jesus. And maybe the hardest. I've needed Him every moment to get this right. And in the moments I forget that, I find myself instantly struggling. (by the way, I'm talking about giving up discouragement) So much has been thrown at me by Satan since I've started and yet every time, my God has helped me through. I've been learning so much about myself, and growing. (Lord, THANK YOU for growing me!) Life is so much sweeter when I am controlling me. When I'm not being bitter, hateful, crude, or discouraging, or whining, or fighting. And even sweeterer (lol) when I'm encouraging, loving, uplifting, and discipling others.

James 3:8 NIV 84 "but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison."

We all I know I love a challenge.. especially when it is something I know makes God smile. I see this also as a warning from James - and he was so right. I don't want to waste anymore time dragging myself or anyone else down.

James 3:5-6 NIV84 "Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."

Think about it... When there hasn't been any rain and the earth is dry, all it takes is one leave getting too hot from the sun. What happens? The leave begins to smoke then there's a tiny flame. That one leave can cause a wildfire to engulf an entire forest in no time... That's what we do with our words, our texts, our Facebook status updates and comments when we aren't in line with God.

James 3:13 NIV84 "Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom."

Lately as I've been ministering to others, I've noticed that I sound a lot like my own Pastor - sharing what he has been teaching me in the Lord and praising Jesus for him and how his teaching matches God's word. This verse makes me first think of him... But then I realize that this includes me now, too. This verse encourages me to keep on striving and fighting against myself to look like Jesus - for my life to reflect Christ's life.

Here's some of God's word I've been marinating my heart in to help:

Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Hebrews 10:23 NIV "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

Philippians 4:4 NIV "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!"

Philippians 4:8 NIV "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Philippians 4:5 NIV "Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."

Romans 8:28 NIV84 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Mark 1:17 NIV84 “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”

Ephesians 5:1-4 NIV84 "1 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children2 and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving."

And so on.

Ashes to ashes

Today was ash Wednesday. James and I had talked earlier this week about it. He encouraged me to do some research on the purpose behind it all and if it was something I wanted to do, he would take me. So I found this great article, which I posted on Facebook, that was super helpful.
It's not just fasting just to do it, it's about devoting yourself more to Christ . It's a reminder of when Christ went into the wilderness and fasted for forty days with the devil tempting Him left and right.

Growing up, most of my friends have up things like candy or soda for lent... But I wanted to give up something that would be more of a behavior that I had planned on leading others out of already. Wow Ash Wednesday came at the perfect time to help me do this and devote myself to the lord how I'd been wanting to.

So for lent (at least 40 days) I'm giving up myself... I'm giving up my negativity. I'm giving up talking about others if it isn't encouraging. I'm giving up crude jokes. I'm giving up fighting with the flesh (also perfect timing that we went over eph 6 tonight). I'm giving up my need to be right. I'm giving up, essentially, discouragement.

Soda would be so much easier, I don't drink that much soda. Candy would be way too easy... Meat is also too easy... I would be short changing not only myself but also Christ and my relationship with Him... And I would be short changing my church. So I don't expect this to be an easy forty days... But I do expect them to be a beautiful forty days. Lord, please give me the strength and the wisdom daily to keep this devotion and promise I have made to You. I want what You want for me, Father.. And for Your church.

exactly where He wants me to be

Today was definitely one for the books (...or the blog!).

Since Saturday, I've been stuck with a migraine that I absolutely could not shake.  I had tried everything and was ready to give up and go to the doctor for the procedure I would have to go through if it did not stop.  Everyone had been praying for me and I had been making the most of my week that I could through the pain.  This morning... It wasn't hurting anymore!  Thank you, Lord.

So I was at the office today, working on paperwork and preparing for my presentations tomorrow at a high school, and hanging out with Sabrina - I love when I'm able to have company in the office while I work.  After lunch, I got an email from one of my Student Mentors.  Her mom had been in ICU all week and she hadn't been able to complete her assignments for the week.  I quickly responded, letting her know that she was more than welcome to have an extension until our next meeting, that I would be praying for her and her mom, and if there was anything I could do to help for her to let me know.  I prayed and then was thankful that the Mentor had contacted me when she was in a bind - this is something I highly stressed to the team at our meeting last Friday.

Almost immediately after our e-mails, another one of my Student Mentors called me on my cell.  As usual, I answered excitedly (I love when the mentors contact me! My team rocks!)  ....on the other end, he did not sound excited at all.  My heart sank as he asked if he could be pulled from the team... I couldn't even really respond so I told him I was listening, tell me what's going on.  He explained to me that he remembered from the meeting how much I stressed to them to let me know when things aren't going so good and how his wife had left him... how he didn't think he would have the time to devote to the team now... he sounded so down...

Ephesians 5:1-2 says "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."  And John 13:34 says "A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

So again, I say that I love my mentor team.  My response flooded naturally from me. (Let's call the mentor "Joe" to make the next part easier to communicate to you.)

NO.  No, Joe, I can't let you do that.  I know I told you all at the meeting that if things became overwhelming for you that I would pull you from the team but this is different.. You've just lost something more valuable than I can imagine, I can't let you leave the team right now.  What I WILL do is waive all participation requirements for you, Joe, and I want you to come anytime you CAN participate with us and I will send you any and every update through e-mail that I can... Joe, this is exactly what the mentor team is for - being the family you need to help you make it through when things get hard.  I just can't let you give up.

He was quiet for a moment and then began to thank me a few times, he was blown away by how much I wanted him to stay on the team through this hurricane that's going through his life.. and grateful. 

"One more thing... You've just done so much for me but.. I really need a job now.  Do you know anyone that's hiring?"  I told him to send me a resume (whip one together), I would fix it over the Mardi Gras break, and help him do searching until we found him something..  By the end of the conversation, Joe sounded like he had more hope than when I first answered the phone call.

I got off the phone after holding it together on the phone, cupped my face in my hands, and turned around to Sabrina to explain what happened ....and I cried.  Gosh, I want to again just sharing again his story.  Lord, I praise you for my job.. I praise you for "Joe" and I crossing paths.. I praise you for the phone call and being able to love with no strings or regrets just.. love.. help.. show compassion.. Lord, thank you.

So then a while later, Logan (another student - not a mentor) came in and the three of us got to talking, sharing God's truth with Sabrina about some of the things she is struggling with.. Man, the conversation got super real for a while and I praise you for using me through that today as well, Lord. 

Then Sabrina mentioned praying for a new job.. "You should apply places," I said.  "Places that are closed on Sunday like.. darrells, hobby lobby, pappys.. Hey! Stellar Beans is closed on Sundays!"  So Sabrina used my phone to call Stellar.  They weren't hiring but the lady from GiGi's was there and she needed someone to start work this coming Monday!  We raced from Sowela to Stellar to meet with the lady... Sabrina got the job!!!!!

All in all... God is so good.  Like.. Perfectly good.  I am absolutely honored, humbled, in adoration of our Lord, the Father... Jesus.  Oh man.. A super tough, emotional, and beautifully breath-taking day to be walking with the Lord.

I live for this.

How do I keep getting here?

Right now, I'm so overwhelmed and discouraged I don't even know where to even start to fix things. How do I fix something that is so broken in someone else that its effecting me to the point I'm in tears? I can't fix anyone. So what can I do? God, I want so bad to just be out of this situation. I thought maybe trying the roommate thing again would work out but I was wrong. I'm walking on eggshells trying to think of how someone else might twist something I don't even do against me so that it can somehow be avoided but trying to predict someone's lies is beyond me, Lord. I keep turning the other cheek and he just keeps taking. Father, I need some relief from this. The tension alone is enough to drive someone crazy. I need your help.