I've been feeling really lost lately... Even just writing about this is really hard... Man, praying on it with my community group tonight was really hard, I almost passed because the last thing I want is a ton of attention or people thinking I'm crying out for something... I mean in a way, I am, but not anything anyone in the group can give me.
I'd love to blame it on the new work environment, and maybe that's got a bit to do with it, but it's not like it started there... I don't know where it started, but it's been a slow drift for m o n t h s.
Lately it seems the harder I try to focus on Christ, the more I'm falling behind and drifting. This past week... ugh, it's really like the Pattie that once was so crazy fired up, living for Christ, is a girl I once knew.. Lord, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of discouragement.. More like quicksand, I've been fighting to find solid land for months and I'm just barely keeping my head above the earth to breathe and it's taking all of my energy. Where is the solid ground, Lord? When is it going to stop? I'm so tired. I just want to quit... But I can't.. I can't. Because I know quitting would hurt so much worse than this... Lord, just wanting to quit hurts - I don't want to be here... Can't we just skip this part of my life? Does my life always have to be so hard? ...or is that how I got here in the first place, because I had a break for a little while?
Father, I need You so bad right now... Help me see that You're here.. You said You'll never leave me, teach me that it's true.
Father, if the quicksand is preparing me then keep me in it.. As much as is sucks I'd rather be in the quicksand, crying out for You, than anywhere without You, Lord.. I'd rather be drowning here than without You.
Yes, Lord
Psalm 37
Of David. 1 Do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.
12 The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.
and gnash their teeth at them;
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.
14 The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.
16 Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;
17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.
than the wealth of many wicked;
17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.
18 The blameless spend their days under the LORD’s care,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
19 In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
and their inheritance will endure forever.
19 In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
20 But the wicked will perish:
Though the LORD’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.
Though the LORD’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.
21 The wicked borrow and do not repay,
but the righteous give generously;
22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be destroyed.
but the righteous give generously;
22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be destroyed.
23 The LORD makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
25 I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
26 They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing.
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
26 They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing.
27 Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.
28 For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
then you will dwell in the land forever.
28 For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed;
the offspring of the wicked will perish.
29 The righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.
the offspring of the wicked will perish.
29 The righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.
30 The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
and their tongues speak what is just.
31 The law of their God is in their hearts;
their feet do not slip.
and their tongues speak what is just.
31 The law of their God is in their hearts;
their feet do not slip.
32 The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
intent on putting them to death;
33 but the LORD will not leave them in the power of the wicked
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
intent on putting them to death;
33 but the LORD will not leave them in the power of the wicked
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
34 Hope in the LORD
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.
35 I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
36 but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.
flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
36 but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.
37 Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
a future awaits those who seek peace.
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
there will be no future for the wicked.
a future awaits those who seek peace.
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
there will be no future for the wicked.
39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
40 The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
40 The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.
Urge to run
Every now and then (sometimes more often than not), the restlessness in me becomes so great that making a run for it sounds so so good.. It would be so much easier to just.. run. Staying and working things out is so much harder... especially when I don't know where to start. Like I'm sailing a sinking ship... Today I flat out just felt like giving up.. Calling a forfeit. It's not about winning but I never stood a chance.. My faith was so much bigger when I started. Father save me from this wreck I'm facing..
If I'd known this is how it would go, I doubt I would've played this game... that's why I'm glad I didn't know. I wouldn't have willingly jumped into the ship, I would've stayed on the shore.. so I'm glad I didn't know. The lessons learned are so worth the bottom of the ocean... I've grown so much and feel a little taller.. Except for the heartbreak that goes with the ship. Maybe it's not God I struggle to trust.. maybe part of the struggle is because I trusted too much in people.. or maybe that's just the heartbreak talking.
What takes more faith and which is wiser? Run for freedom.. or sinking in the ocean?
Maybe I'll get it right one day.
If I'd known this is how it would go, I doubt I would've played this game... that's why I'm glad I didn't know. I wouldn't have willingly jumped into the ship, I would've stayed on the shore.. so I'm glad I didn't know. The lessons learned are so worth the bottom of the ocean... I've grown so much and feel a little taller.. Except for the heartbreak that goes with the ship. Maybe it's not God I struggle to trust.. maybe part of the struggle is because I trusted too much in people.. or maybe that's just the heartbreak talking.
What takes more faith and which is wiser? Run for freedom.. or sinking in the ocean?
Maybe I'll get it right one day.
i am Jack's complete lack of surprise
News todays that I didn't get the job, after my second interview, came as a slight shock... and at the same time, not a shock at all. It was a shock in the sense that both interviews went through-the-roof amazing... Not a shock in the sense that this is the THIRD company I've had interviews with and not gotten the job (which is the only three interviews I've ever gone through and not gotten the job.. ever)... Not a shock in the sense that God delivered a message to me at Passion that this was right where He wanted me... Not a shock in the sense that, more and more, I'm getting used to things being harder and not just falling out of the sky the way I want or expect them to... Not a shock in the sense that I haven't been able to shake this feeling of restlessness again that the Lord is about to have me jump ship. He's steady preparing me and teaching me to be patient as I'm steady chomping at the bit to go already.
I guess the only part that shocked me was how qualified I knew I was for the jobs, how amazingly the interviews went... and then nothing.
Believe what you want, but I firmly believe the Lord shut those doors for me on purpose. Who knows, maybe I'll be going out on mission a lot sooner than I thought.. maybe I won't.. He knows and that's more than good enough. I'm definitely intrigued as to what He's got next.
I guess the only part that shocked me was how qualified I knew I was for the jobs, how amazingly the interviews went... and then nothing.
Believe what you want, but I firmly believe the Lord shut those doors for me on purpose. Who knows, maybe I'll be going out on mission a lot sooner than I thought.. maybe I won't.. He knows and that's more than good enough. I'm definitely intrigued as to what He's got next.
patience, patterns, pain & prayers
The Lord continues answering prayers. Sometimes, more often than not, I'm not patient enough to wait for Him.. Which is silly. I know that He is faithful and trustworthy.. I KNOW that He will come through and I know that His plan for my life is far beyond my wildest dreams.. But sometimes I need that mirror, you know, someone to hold it up so I can see what's going on with me.
Like this really annoying patten I have.. To everyone else, it seems as if I just come out of no where at once with all these things that are I'm worrying, fretting, freaking-out over - like there's just that one thing that sets me off and I tack everything else with it.... Ugh, okay so here's a super honest moment that I'm hoping will help me to end this crazy cycle/pattern - It's not out of no where. The truth is I struggle constantly with trusting God. Constantly. Sometimes even when I surrender things to Him, it's like I'm still keeping my eye on what it was I gave over to Him.. why do I do this? Is there a part of me still thinks my plan is the best one? Am I expecting God to work based on my time schedule? I don't know exactly why... But I do know that Jesus is the only one who will never let me down. Anyway, what usually comes out as a sudden overwhelm is generally when I've reached a point where I realize that I've been holding everything in for way too long, trying to carry it all by myself, I've been failing horribly but trying to put pretty bows on all of it or stuff it into neat organized boxes so that from the outside everything looks... calm. I can't stand that I do this.. and I've been getting to the point where I don't even really want to try to figure out who to talk to about things because there's almost no one that will just listen and not try to correct me or fuss at me or teach me something... Sometimes I just need to talk. It's not that I'm not talking to Jesus, it's that most of the time He doesn't talk back and I'm not patient.
(There's a part of me that wants to delete that last paragraph but.. in efforts of being transparent, it stays.)
So He continues answering prayers. Since early January, I've been having a couple symptoms. One normal (for me at least - migraines) the other completely not normal for me. It instantly caught my attention and for three months, I waited. For the first time in my life, I've prayed and PRAYED for something most women would be glad to never have to deal with again. A few weeks ago, my vision noticeably changed and, naturally, my migraines have gotten even worse. Almost everyday. (This week, it has been everyday.) Then there was a coupon for a $50 eye exam! So tomorrow, I'm setting up an appointment to get my eyes checked and talk to the doctor. Hopefully, all of my symptoms are not related.. I'm hoping that new glasses will make the migraines stop. And what I'd been waiting for all year so far finally happened so, while I'm in double pain to make up for it (seems like) and my hormones are making my emotional, I'm still praising the Lord for answered prayers.
I forget where I was going with this post... ha! Oh well - Jesus is trustworthy, I have to slow down and put my faith actively in Him and Him alone.
Like this really annoying patten I have.. To everyone else, it seems as if I just come out of no where at once with all these things that are I'm worrying, fretting, freaking-out over - like there's just that one thing that sets me off and I tack everything else with it.... Ugh, okay so here's a super honest moment that I'm hoping will help me to end this crazy cycle/pattern - It's not out of no where. The truth is I struggle constantly with trusting God. Constantly. Sometimes even when I surrender things to Him, it's like I'm still keeping my eye on what it was I gave over to Him.. why do I do this? Is there a part of me still thinks my plan is the best one? Am I expecting God to work based on my time schedule? I don't know exactly why... But I do know that Jesus is the only one who will never let me down. Anyway, what usually comes out as a sudden overwhelm is generally when I've reached a point where I realize that I've been holding everything in for way too long, trying to carry it all by myself, I've been failing horribly but trying to put pretty bows on all of it or stuff it into neat organized boxes so that from the outside everything looks... calm. I can't stand that I do this.. and I've been getting to the point where I don't even really want to try to figure out who to talk to about things because there's almost no one that will just listen and not try to correct me or fuss at me or teach me something... Sometimes I just need to talk. It's not that I'm not talking to Jesus, it's that most of the time He doesn't talk back and I'm not patient.
(There's a part of me that wants to delete that last paragraph but.. in efforts of being transparent, it stays.)
So He continues answering prayers. Since early January, I've been having a couple symptoms. One normal (for me at least - migraines) the other completely not normal for me. It instantly caught my attention and for three months, I waited. For the first time in my life, I've prayed and PRAYED for something most women would be glad to never have to deal with again. A few weeks ago, my vision noticeably changed and, naturally, my migraines have gotten even worse. Almost everyday. (This week, it has been everyday.) Then there was a coupon for a $50 eye exam! So tomorrow, I'm setting up an appointment to get my eyes checked and talk to the doctor. Hopefully, all of my symptoms are not related.. I'm hoping that new glasses will make the migraines stop. And what I'd been waiting for all year so far finally happened so, while I'm in double pain to make up for it (seems like) and my hormones are making my emotional, I'm still praising the Lord for answered prayers.
I forget where I was going with this post... ha! Oh well - Jesus is trustworthy, I have to slow down and put my faith actively in Him and Him alone.
Answered Prayer
Last night at the end of our Wednesday night college community group, my prayer wasn't many words but it was so what I meant and what I needed.
"Father, I just want to see You... nothing else I could pray for right now compares to that."
It had nothing to do with any one else's prayer or anyone other than the Lord and me. We started a new book called Tangible Kingdom Primer this past week and Tuesday night I poured my heart out to God.. The questions in the book didn't exactly match up with what came from my heart but that doesn't really matter.
I desperately wanted nothing more than to fall madly in love with Jesus again.. with the creator of the universe.. with the creator of me.. the one who breathed the stars into existence and calls every single one by name.. the Lord of my life. Because without Him, I am lost without a hope. I remember what that feels like and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.. But I'd been slipping so bad, getting caught up in churchy things, in doing good, in behaving the right way... in pleasing everyone else before Jesus.
"... I don't want to grow if I can't reconnect with You the way I did then." When I was getting my first taste of life with Christ, I was on fire and telling everyone I could about the God that came to earth and died for us... about His crazy love! How could anyone ever become calm about Jesus and still say they KNOW Him??
"Father, I just want to see You..." Wednesday the cry was even stronger. At group, I shared these things that I had written in our primer book, making myself vulnerable and exposing myself ....and realized that, for whatever reason, I had stopped letting myself be vulnerable.. It was hard. For the first time, being honest about what was really going on with me was hard.. More and more, I was realizing just how far I'd slipped.
The Lord answers prayers, that's for sure! Today (Thursday) was so breath-takingly glorious - I saw Jesus everywhere! Twice I was complimented on my smile and how it encouraged people after seeing the Lord in them, working through them, etc. had encouraged me! Blessing after blessing after opportunity to worship after opportunity to share His great love!
Tomorrow is going to be even better, I just know it. God is so good!
"Father, I just want to see You... nothing else I could pray for right now compares to that."
It had nothing to do with any one else's prayer or anyone other than the Lord and me. We started a new book called Tangible Kingdom Primer this past week and Tuesday night I poured my heart out to God.. The questions in the book didn't exactly match up with what came from my heart but that doesn't really matter.
I desperately wanted nothing more than to fall madly in love with Jesus again.. with the creator of the universe.. with the creator of me.. the one who breathed the stars into existence and calls every single one by name.. the Lord of my life. Because without Him, I am lost without a hope. I remember what that feels like and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.. But I'd been slipping so bad, getting caught up in churchy things, in doing good, in behaving the right way... in pleasing everyone else before Jesus.
"... I don't want to grow if I can't reconnect with You the way I did then." When I was getting my first taste of life with Christ, I was on fire and telling everyone I could about the God that came to earth and died for us... about His crazy love! How could anyone ever become calm about Jesus and still say they KNOW Him??
"Father, I just want to see You..." Wednesday the cry was even stronger. At group, I shared these things that I had written in our primer book, making myself vulnerable and exposing myself ....and realized that, for whatever reason, I had stopped letting myself be vulnerable.. It was hard. For the first time, being honest about what was really going on with me was hard.. More and more, I was realizing just how far I'd slipped.
The Lord answers prayers, that's for sure! Today (Thursday) was so breath-takingly glorious - I saw Jesus everywhere! Twice I was complimented on my smile and how it encouraged people after seeing the Lord in them, working through them, etc. had encouraged me! Blessing after blessing after opportunity to worship after opportunity to share His great love!
Tomorrow is going to be even better, I just know it. God is so good!
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