Quicksand

I've been feeling really lost lately... Even just writing about this is really hard... Man, praying on it with my community group tonight was really hard, I almost passed because the last thing I want is a ton of attention or people thinking I'm crying out for something... I mean in a way, I am, but not anything anyone in the group can give me.

I'd love to blame it on the new work environment, and maybe that's got a bit to do with it, but it's not like it started there... I don't know where it started, but it's been a slow drift for     m o n t h s.

Lately it seems the harder I try to focus on Christ, the more I'm falling behind and drifting.  This past week... ugh, it's really like the Pattie that once was so crazy fired up, living for Christ, is a girl I once knew.. Lord, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of discouragement.. More like quicksand, I've been fighting to find solid land for months and I'm just barely keeping my head above the earth to breathe and it's taking all of my energy.  Where is the solid ground, Lord?  When is it going to stop?  I'm so tired.  I just want to quit... But I can't.. I can't.  Because I know quitting would hurt so much worse than this... Lord, just wanting to quit hurts - I don't want to be here... Can't we just skip this part of my life?  Does my life always have to be so hard?  ...or is that how I got here in the first place, because I had a break for a little while?

Father, I need You so bad right now... Help me see that You're here.. You said You'll never leave me, teach me that it's true.

Father, if the quicksand is preparing me then keep me in it.. As much as is sucks I'd rather be in the quicksand, crying out for You, than anywhere without You, Lord.. I'd rather be drowning here than without You.

Urge to run

Every now and then (sometimes more often than not), the restlessness in me becomes so great that making a run for it sounds so so good.. It would be so much easier to just.. run. Staying and working things out is so much harder... especially when I don't know where to start. Like I'm sailing a sinking ship... Today I flat out just felt like giving up.. Calling a forfeit. It's not about winning but I never stood a chance.. My faith was so much bigger when I started. Father save me from this wreck I'm facing..

If I'd known this is how it would go, I doubt I would've played this game... that's why I'm glad I didn't know. I wouldn't have willingly jumped into the ship, I would've stayed on the shore.. so I'm glad I didn't know.  The lessons learned are so worth the bottom of the ocean... I've grown so much and feel a little taller.. Except for the heartbreak that goes with the ship. Maybe it's not God I struggle to trust.. maybe part of the struggle is because I  trusted too much in people.. or maybe that's just the heartbreak talking.

What takes more faith and which is wiser? Run for freedom.. or sinking in the ocean?
Maybe I'll get it right one day.