He is my EVERYTHING

Everlasting is the Father, death could not keep Him!

Vast beyond comprehension is His perfect love for us, that He left His seat in heaven to come to this lowly earth out of love for His children.

Eternity with the Father because Jesus died for me.

Resurrected on the third day, Jesus sealed me in His kingdom.

Yeilding, I find myself in awe of all He has done.. and that I even get to call Him 'Father'.

Thirsty? Never again, Jesus is my living water. He is all I need.

Hung on a cross, Jesus died in my place - the Perfection sacrificed Himself for death to become life.

Interceding... Jesus even PRAYS for me...

Never will Jesus be apart from me, His spirit dwells in me.

Glory to His name, Father all to bring You fame!

Growing up in Jesus

James 1:2-4 NIV84 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

So far, I think this has been the best fast/devotion/life style change I've done with Jesus. And maybe the hardest. I've needed Him every moment to get this right. And in the moments I forget that, I find myself instantly struggling. (by the way, I'm talking about giving up discouragement) So much has been thrown at me by Satan since I've started and yet every time, my God has helped me through. I've been learning so much about myself, and growing. (Lord, THANK YOU for growing me!) Life is so much sweeter when I am controlling me. When I'm not being bitter, hateful, crude, or discouraging, or whining, or fighting. And even sweeterer (lol) when I'm encouraging, loving, uplifting, and discipling others.

James 3:8 NIV 84 "but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison."

We all I know I love a challenge.. especially when it is something I know makes God smile. I see this also as a warning from James - and he was so right. I don't want to waste anymore time dragging myself or anyone else down.

James 3:5-6 NIV84 "Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell."

Think about it... When there hasn't been any rain and the earth is dry, all it takes is one leave getting too hot from the sun. What happens? The leave begins to smoke then there's a tiny flame. That one leave can cause a wildfire to engulf an entire forest in no time... That's what we do with our words, our texts, our Facebook status updates and comments when we aren't in line with God.

James 3:13 NIV84 "Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom."

Lately as I've been ministering to others, I've noticed that I sound a lot like my own Pastor - sharing what he has been teaching me in the Lord and praising Jesus for him and how his teaching matches God's word. This verse makes me first think of him... But then I realize that this includes me now, too. This verse encourages me to keep on striving and fighting against myself to look like Jesus - for my life to reflect Christ's life.

Here's some of God's word I've been marinating my heart in to help:

Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Hebrews 10:23 NIV "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

Philippians 4:4 NIV "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!"

Philippians 4:8 NIV "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Philippians 4:5 NIV "Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."

Romans 8:28 NIV84 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Mark 1:17 NIV84 “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”

Ephesians 5:1-4 NIV84 "1 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children2 and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving."

And so on.

Yes, Lord

Psalm 37

    Of David.

 ¹ Do not fret because of those who are evil
   or be envious of those who do wrong;
² for like the grass they will soon wither,
   like green plants they will soon die away.

 ³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
   dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 ⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
   trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
   your vindication like the noonday sun.

 ⁷ Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
   when they carry out their wicked schemes.

 ⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
   do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ For those who are evil will be destroyed,
   but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

 ¹⁰ A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
   though you look for them, they will not be found.
¹¹ But the meek will inherit the land
   and enjoy peace and prosperity.

 ¹² The wicked plot against the righteous
   and gnash their teeth at them;
¹³ but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
   for he knows their day is coming.

 ¹⁴ The wicked draw the sword
   and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
   to slay those whose ways are upright.
¹⁵ But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
   and their bows will be broken.

 ¹⁶ Better the little that the righteous have
   than the wealth of many wicked;
¹⁷ for the power of the wicked will be broken,
   but the LORD upholds the righteous.

 ¹⁸ The blameless spend their days under the LORD’s care,
   and their inheritance will endure forever.
¹⁹ In times of disaster they will not wither;
   in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.

 ²⁰ But the wicked will perish:
   Though the LORD’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
   they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.

 ²¹ The wicked borrow and do not repay,
   but the righteous give generously;
²² those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
   but those he curses will be destroyed.

 ²³ The LORD makes firm the steps
   of the one who delights in him;
²⁴ though he may stumble, he will not fall,
   for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

 ²⁵ I was young and now I am old,
   yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
   or their children begging bread.
²⁶ They are always generous and lend freely;
   their children will be a blessing.

 ²⁷ Turn from evil and do good;
   then you will dwell in the land forever.
²⁸ For the LORD loves the just
   and will not forsake his faithful ones.

   Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed;
   the offspring of the wicked will perish.
²⁹ The righteous will inherit the land
   and dwell in it forever.

 ³⁰ The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
   and their tongues speak what is just.
³¹ The law of their God is in their hearts;
   their feet do not slip.

 ³² The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
   intent on putting them to death;
³³ but the LORD will not leave them in the power of the wicked
   or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

 ³⁴ Hope in the LORD
   and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
   when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.

 ³⁵ I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
   flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
³⁶ but he soon passed away and was no more;
   though I looked for him, he could not be found.

 ³⁷ Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
   a future awaits those who seek peace.
³⁸ But all sinners will be destroyed;
   there will be no future for the wicked.

 ³⁹ The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
   he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
⁴⁰ The LORD helps them and delivers them;
   he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
   because they take refuge in him.

patience, patterns, pain & prayers

The Lord continues answering prayers.  Sometimes, more often than not, I'm not patient enough to wait for Him.. Which is silly. I know that He is faithful and trustworthy.. I KNOW that He will come through and I know that His plan for my life is far beyond my wildest dreams.. But sometimes I need that mirror, you know, someone to hold it up so I can see what's going on with me.

Like this really annoying patten I have.. To everyone else, it seems as if I just come out of no where at once with all these things that are I'm worrying, fretting, freaking-out over - like there's just that one thing that sets me off and I tack everything else with it.... Ugh, okay so here's a super honest moment that I'm hoping will help me to end this crazy cycle/pattern - It's not out of no where. The truth is I struggle constantly with trusting God. Constantly. Sometimes even when I surrender things to Him, it's like I'm still keeping my eye on what it was I gave over to Him.. why do I do this?  Is there a part of me still thinks my plan is the best one? Am I expecting God to work based on my time schedule? I don't know exactly why... But I do know that Jesus is the only one who will never let me down.  Anyway, what usually comes out as a sudden overwhelm is generally when I've reached a point where I realize that I've been holding everything in for way too long, trying to carry it all by myself, I've been failing horribly but trying to put pretty bows on all of it or stuff it into neat organized boxes so that from the outside everything looks... calm.  I can't stand that I do this.. and I've been getting to the point where I don't even really want to try to figure out who to talk to about things because there's almost no one that will just listen and not try to correct me or fuss at me or teach me something... Sometimes I just need to talk.  It's not that I'm not talking to Jesus, it's that most of the time He doesn't talk back and I'm not patient.

(There's a part of me that wants to delete that last paragraph but.. in efforts of being transparent, it stays.)

So He continues answering prayers.  Since early January, I've been having a couple symptoms. One normal (for me at least - migraines) the other completely not normal for me. It instantly caught my attention and for three months, I waited. For the first time in my life, I've prayed and PRAYED for something most women would be glad to never have to deal with again. A few weeks ago, my vision noticeably changed and, naturally, my migraines have gotten even worse. Almost everyday. (This week, it has been everyday.)  Then there was a coupon for a $50 eye exam!  So tomorrow, I'm setting up an appointment to get my eyes checked and talk to the doctor.  Hopefully, all of my symptoms are not related.. I'm hoping that new glasses will make the migraines stop. And what I'd been waiting for all year so far finally happened so, while I'm in double pain to make up for it (seems like) and my hormones are making my emotional, I'm still praising the Lord for answered prayers.

I forget where I was going with this post... ha! Oh well - Jesus is trustworthy, I have to slow down and put my faith actively in Him and Him alone.

Answered Prayer

Last night at the end of our Wednesday night college community group, my prayer wasn't many words but it was so what I meant and what I needed.

"Father, I just want to see You... nothing else I could pray for right now compares to that."

It had nothing to do with any one else's prayer or anyone other than the Lord and me. We started a new book called Tangible Kingdom Primer this past week and Tuesday night I poured my heart out to God.. The questions in the book didn't exactly match up with what came from my heart but that doesn't really matter.

I desperately wanted nothing more than to fall madly in love with Jesus again.. with the creator of the universe.. with the creator of me.. the one who breathed the stars into existence and calls every single one by name.. the Lord of my life.  Because without Him, I am lost without a hope. I remember what that feels like and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.. But I'd been slipping so bad, getting caught up in churchy things, in doing good, in behaving the right way... in pleasing everyone else before Jesus.

"... I don't want to grow if I can't reconnect with You the way I did then." When I was getting my first taste of life with Christ, I was on fire and telling everyone I could about the God that came to earth and died for us... about His crazy love! How could anyone ever become calm about Jesus and still say they KNOW Him??

"Father, I just want to see You..."  Wednesday the cry was even stronger.  At group, I shared these things that I had written in our primer book, making myself vulnerable and exposing myself ....and realized that, for whatever reason, I had stopped letting myself be vulnerable.. It was hard.  For the first time, being honest about what was really going on with me was hard.. More and more, I was realizing just how far I'd slipped.

The Lord answers prayers, that's for sure! Today (Thursday) was so breath-takingly glorious - I saw Jesus everywhere! Twice I was complimented on my smile and how it encouraged people after seeing the Lord in them, working through them, etc. had encouraged me! Blessing after blessing after opportunity to worship after opportunity to share His great love!

Tomorrow is going to be even better, I just know it. God is so good!

Lord...

Dear Jesus,

Please tell me You are coming back soon. Because lately I'm feeling overwhelmed... and I haven't even started yet.  I know that You live inside of me.. help me figure out how to stop suffocating You in there... help me live a life worthy of having You in there to begin with! I'm so tired of being so spoiled that my day can be discouraged by meaningless conversations and interactions I have with people... Lord, the conversations and interactions don't seem or feel meaningless but in comparison to You and Your story... it really is trivial. Lord, help me make such a big deal out of You all the time! I know if I could do that that You could use me for greater things... the life You have planned for me!
Lord I don't want to end up stuck here... and overwhelming days like today don't help.  I'm fully aware that I can't do everything, I don't want to, I know I need You.. but it seems like everyone else expects me to do everything.. I'm so worn out.. I said a few times today that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with all of this but really I meant YOU, I can see You through all of this... So why don't I understand that seeing You is so much better than just getting through this overwhelming mess?
Is discouragement a trial? Today it seemed to be coming at me from every angle.. even the most unexpected ones. More and more this world is NOTHING that I want.. Today leaves me wanting to do nothing but be alone with You.. Maybe that's what I should've done instead. Lord, forgive me for forgetting that letting You down is infinitely worse than letting my fellow Christians down.

I need You, Lord.

Trading Addictions

Friday, I found myself out of cigarettes and honestly was tired of buying them. I'd been thinking about quitting smoking (tried a couple times before) but never really stayed committed to quitting. But it was different before. Before, my reasons for wanting to quit weren't rock solid, they weren't really anything I can remember even to this point.

My reasons now hardly include health. I mean, yeah, smoking causes cancer, heart problems, lung problems, decreases oxygen levels in your blood, etc. But I knew all of that BEFORE I ever started smoking and still chose to smoke so those reasons alone would never be reason enough for me to quit. I chose to quit this time because I want to be closer to God. I want that so bad that I know I can overcome this addiction.

I'm not saying that I believe anyone who smokes can never be close to God. No, I'm not saying that at all. This is a specific thing concerning me. I don't make much money where I work and something Bro. Steve said a Sunday or so ago was that God has blessed us with the money that we do have... I took that home and it stuck with me. It is a blessing and I'm just sending it up in smoke. I feel like what I'd been saying to God was "Thanks for this money, God! Now I'm going to go waste it on something totally meaningless that I will light on fire over and over and over and over again!" ... And then always run into the same problem: I don't make "enough" money.

Recently, I've wanted to do greater things with my money than light it on fire. Like start a bank account for Passion 2011! Sponser a child through Compassion International! And, I don't know, maybe be able to stop feeling like I never have money. Since I am committed to no longer smoking, I've already signed up to sponser a child in Honduras! Yay!

At the same time that it hasn't been easy so far, I know that this is something I want with all my heart. And I know that it will get easier. There's no certain crutch I've found, no special gum, no special item to hold in my hand, nothing to keep handy to put in my mouth.. NOTHING that will FULLY make the transition from an Addiction to Cigarettes to an Addition to JESUS super smooth, quick, and easy. But I do know that if the want, desire, and need to amplify my addiction to Jesus was missing, I wouldn't be able to kick the cigarettes. I could smoke for the next ten years if that need wasn't there and not care at all. But it IS there and I can't ignore it.

I've been in a LOT of prayer over the past few days and I'm sure it will be a couple weeks. And though I've been pretty crabby throughout each day and lacking in sleep and right now simply wanting to find a dark place to curl up in and cry, I know my God is with me and will never leave me. He knows my heart in this just as he knows everything else. God will use my struggles, my mistakes, my success and failures all for His glory. I praise Him always and finally FEEL like I'm showing (even if just a little better) how truly thankful I am to God for every breath I take.