My blogs always come out better in my head... lol, I think that might be what keeps me from blogging more often. That but mostly the fear of being misunderstood. ...fear.
How is it that the more I learn about following Christ and the more I dive into real community with others, I develop more and more fears that were never really a problem before? Honestly, I think all these fears are the complete opposite from what I'm supposed to be experiencing... It's for freedom that He set me free, not for fear. I don't know how to conquer my fears but I do know that I am capable of pushing through even when I am still afraid.
What if I mess up? ...or worse, what if I blew it already? Huh.. regardless, I guess it's not a surprise to God. He definitely saw it coming. ...what if I can't get my eyes off of the smaller picture in order to see the bigger picture? Because blowing it in one situation with one person would be so small in comparison.
I'm so afraid to open back up, to be really gut-wrenching honest. Being reminded of how broken I am, how much stress I cause, how negative and needy I am only adds to this fear so I retreat even more. This is all still NEW to me. Lately I feel more isolated and trapped than ever... My non-Christian friends have been more encouraging as a whole. It's no one's fault but the ability to communicate what's really going on with me just.. sucks. I'm so tired of pretending everything is fine to make people happy, to make sure I act/speak/communicate in the way that suits others in order to keep stress and conflict down. It's exhausting being an actress all the time and it's doing so much more damage than good that I feel like I'm just going backwards. I'm struggling again with things that hadn't been a problem anymore and yet somehow it's easier for me to type this into a blog and post on the internet than communicate to the people I'm closest to.
The past couple of days, a twinge of jealousy crept in when thinking about my old friends - they can be themselves and not be so bound up in themselves from having to pretend in order to keep peace and put on a good face.
God, I messed all of this up so bad. Help me forgive myself the way You can forgive me because I know that maybe if I could do that.. it wouldn't matter how anyone else continued reacting to me because I wouldn't feel so much guilt when it comes to this. I've tried to trace it back to how I got lost and it all happened in the first place but I can't and at this point, it doesn't really matter. I need You, Father.. You and I both know I don't want to walk away as tempting as it may seem, I love You way too much for that but God this is so hard and I need direction. I should've come to You in the first place but instead I tried to be a "big girl" even though we both know that never gets me anywhere... Lord, soften my heart like it was before - Break me, Lord, let's just start over.. If I could have nothing else, God, I want to start over with You..
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
2nd Sunday @ Beans
Maaaan, I was so nervous this morning. But also excited!
It was our 2nd Sunday gathering at our new location (Stellar Beans coffee) for theCityChurch, the first Sunday gathering that my drums made an appearance (no, I did not play but Dave will teach me!), and I've known since Thursday that I was going to be the one to share my testimony of how God has been working in my life and what I've learned recently on my walk with Christ (see the post prior to this one).
I was so excited, I love talking about my Heavenly Father! I could go on for hours if given the opportunity to do so! ..but so far everyone else had only taken a couple minutes to share their story.. I know I'm long winded when it comes to how I've seen and felt God at work so the nerves started... Oh man, if I'm not careful it'll be 2 o-clock before anyone gets to exchange their prayer requests, haha. I'd journaled my thoughts earlier in the week to capture them before my A.D.D. had a chance to demolished them and then put them here on my blog.. which I think only enabled my nerves to get me jittery even more.
After worship, Paul gave me my cue. [First mental note - Pattie, don't forget there are kids present, haha!] I'd been praying during worship and clearing my head of anything other than Jesus and my tiny little story. A minute or so into sharing, I froze!! [Second mental note - Jesus is so much more amazing that this story, those drums we played in here last Sunday evening were amazing too (sounds of the drums rang through my head).. I like Stellar Beans, we have church here. OH! Wait, that's now and I am speaking!! ugh, attention deficit disorder strikes again.] I pulled my thoughts back together and admitted I was nervous. Yes! That was exactly what I needed to say because as soon as I said that I was nervous to the church gathered, it seemed so silly - I know everyone there (almost) and like half of them already know my testimony. I continued on and then looked down next to Paul and saw the red light - I'm being recorded on video! [Third mental note - Agh!! lol.] Nah, it wasn't so bad. I did note out loud that I realized I was being filmed but continued. I don't like being filmed but at the same time... I'm so happy Paul thought of it. So many times I've wished things I'd said about what I've learned, seen, experienced on my walk with Christ had been recorded because sometimes they just fly out of me and I generally forget to write any of it down. I've "joked" about audio-recording my life to help me learn and grow... I don't know, it's weird.. once I realized the camera was going, my words just felt easier and I wanted to talk about the Lord even more. Then Dave started agreeing with me out loud about what I'd learned. Man, that was such encouragement to me! It wasn't until the end that it dawned on me that there was a non-Christian in the room! And one that I've recently met and been hanging around outside of the "church setting."
Then Paul gave a message on prayer. I'm always down for hearing about prayer and learning more about praying and.. praying! I appreciate Paul's way of presenting the Gospel in a way that's easy to remember.. And how he keeps it real.. Jesus said ask, seek, and knock... So we should ask, seek, and knock. (And the knocking on the brick wall while seeking God and talking/praying to Him was actually good - I mean really, if while seeking God we were lead to a brick wall and Jesus had said to knock, we'd knock!)
After the message, Paul had me pull a chair up and sit so that everyone could pray over me. At first it was a little weird having so many hands on me but then Tara took me hand and my brothers and sisters began to pray over me... it was so positively comforting, I don't really know how to describe it but I felt God in that moment so strong in the little huddle. I opened my eyes at one point as if expecting to see Him right there in front of me.
I feel so filled with God's presence and goodness, I'm even more excited to see what this week brings.
Oh!! And I didn't cry!! =D
It was our 2nd Sunday gathering at our new location (Stellar Beans coffee) for theCityChurch, the first Sunday gathering that my drums made an appearance (no, I did not play but Dave will teach me!), and I've known since Thursday that I was going to be the one to share my testimony of how God has been working in my life and what I've learned recently on my walk with Christ (see the post prior to this one).
I was so excited, I love talking about my Heavenly Father! I could go on for hours if given the opportunity to do so! ..but so far everyone else had only taken a couple minutes to share their story.. I know I'm long winded when it comes to how I've seen and felt God at work so the nerves started... Oh man, if I'm not careful it'll be 2 o-clock before anyone gets to exchange their prayer requests, haha. I'd journaled my thoughts earlier in the week to capture them before my A.D.D. had a chance to demolished them and then put them here on my blog.. which I think only enabled my nerves to get me jittery even more.
After worship, Paul gave me my cue. [First mental note - Pattie, don't forget there are kids present, haha!] I'd been praying during worship and clearing my head of anything other than Jesus and my tiny little story. A minute or so into sharing, I froze!! [Second mental note - Jesus is so much more amazing that this story, those drums we played in here last Sunday evening were amazing too (sounds of the drums rang through my head).. I like Stellar Beans, we have church here. OH! Wait, that's now and I am speaking!! ugh, attention deficit disorder strikes again.] I pulled my thoughts back together and admitted I was nervous. Yes! That was exactly what I needed to say because as soon as I said that I was nervous to the church gathered, it seemed so silly - I know everyone there (almost) and like half of them already know my testimony. I continued on and then looked down next to Paul and saw the red light - I'm being recorded on video! [Third mental note - Agh!! lol.] Nah, it wasn't so bad. I did note out loud that I realized I was being filmed but continued. I don't like being filmed but at the same time... I'm so happy Paul thought of it. So many times I've wished things I'd said about what I've learned, seen, experienced on my walk with Christ had been recorded because sometimes they just fly out of me and I generally forget to write any of it down. I've "joked" about audio-recording my life to help me learn and grow... I don't know, it's weird.. once I realized the camera was going, my words just felt easier and I wanted to talk about the Lord even more. Then Dave started agreeing with me out loud about what I'd learned. Man, that was such encouragement to me! It wasn't until the end that it dawned on me that there was a non-Christian in the room! And one that I've recently met and been hanging around outside of the "church setting."
Then Paul gave a message on prayer. I'm always down for hearing about prayer and learning more about praying and.. praying! I appreciate Paul's way of presenting the Gospel in a way that's easy to remember.. And how he keeps it real.. Jesus said ask, seek, and knock... So we should ask, seek, and knock. (And the knocking on the brick wall while seeking God and talking/praying to Him was actually good - I mean really, if while seeking God we were lead to a brick wall and Jesus had said to knock, we'd knock!)
After the message, Paul had me pull a chair up and sit so that everyone could pray over me. At first it was a little weird having so many hands on me but then Tara took me hand and my brothers and sisters began to pray over me... it was so positively comforting, I don't really know how to describe it but I felt God in that moment so strong in the little huddle. I opened my eyes at one point as if expecting to see Him right there in front of me.
I feel so filled with God's presence and goodness, I'm even more excited to see what this week brings.
Oh!! And I didn't cry!! =D
save their souls
Won't you take this cup from me
Cause fear has stolen all my sleep
If tomorrow means my death
I pray you'll save their souls with it
Let the songs i sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words i say profess my love
Let the notes i choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you
In this hour of doubt i see
But who i am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale
Let the songs i sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words i say profess my love
Let the notes i choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you
Father let my heart be...
For you
Let the songs i sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words i say profess my love
Let the notes i choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you
(Garden by Needtobreathe)
Man.. Arlene, that song so strikes a chord in my heart.
Cause fear has stolen all my sleep... and if tomorrow does mean my death, God, I beg of you.. save their souls through my death....
My grandfather is going to Houston Monday.. It's "the big day" we've been waiting for and.. not talking about, for months. They're going to try to fix his heart by.. well.. stopping it. And then shocking him back to life. Instead of just reminding us about it, Pop asks that Granny change the locks on the shop FAST if he doesn't make it out of this. I know he's scared but.. It breaks my heart. I want to PRAY with him, not just FOR him! I tried explaining to him that while there are a lot of valuable things in his shop and due to his request we would get it done but.. The more important thing would be the loss of Pop's life. "I'm praying that doesn't happen, Pop.. and praying that you make it through it alright.. And praying that maybe someone else in this room could pray with me."
Crickets. And really, I don't know why I can't sleep at night?
God, I need your help. My family needs your help. God, show them your love! Force their eyes and hearts and minds to open like you did mine! I feel like every ounce of my soul is screaming right now.. and I can't make it stop. And I can't fix it. But God, you can.. You can.
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