I'm so thankful for the past couple of days. It's hard digging deep inside myself to sort things out but always so rewarding once I have the light-bulb moment. The past couple of days have been the result of all my digging (for a while now like.. a few months at least).
Prayer can be very beautiful. Or it can be stale. It finally dawned on me that my prayer-time had become very stale... With the repeat pattern from anytime I'm in community of using a 'sharable' prayer, I'd not been aware that this was the same I was doing with God. Which essentially meant I wasn't being very open with God at all.
The past couple of weeks for sure, I'd noticed it and was struggling with it. Why wasn't I being open with God? Why did I feel like I didn't know how? What was it going to take for me to break the wall back down?
Answer: The fear of being WITHOUT God was all it took. Because if there is a wall between me and God then that means I'm isolating myself and that N E V E R goes anything less than horrible!
So Saturday night I went back through the steps of how I spent my favorite time with God at the old house. Ooooh yeah! Laying in my bed on my back, hands stretched up high, eyes closed - no distractions. It took a moment still for me to get my mind right but man, oh man, I knew I needed to talk to my Lord more than I needed anything I could possibly think of doing.
And I just started talking. Out loud. I apologized for not talking to Him for so long.. and for sending up prayers like they were post cards rather than really acknowledging He was constantly here with me the entire time, and praised Him for His faithfulness. I apologized for worrying more what someone else thought of me rather than what HE thought of me, and praised Him for His love. And then I felt the freedom again like I used to - the freedom to spill my heart and brain out to my heavenly Father who delights in every single word. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep talking to Him.
Today (Sunday) was amazing. I woke up feeling so alive and calm and felt so comfortable in my own skin again like I haven't in quite a while. Ahhhhhh. Jesus, You are awesome =)
Showing posts with label Lord. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lord. Show all posts
let's start over...
My blogs always come out better in my head... lol, I think that might be what keeps me from blogging more often. That but mostly the fear of being misunderstood. ...fear.
How is it that the more I learn about following Christ and the more I dive into real community with others, I develop more and more fears that were never really a problem before? Honestly, I think all these fears are the complete opposite from what I'm supposed to be experiencing... It's for freedom that He set me free, not for fear. I don't know how to conquer my fears but I do know that I am capable of pushing through even when I am still afraid.
What if I mess up? ...or worse, what if I blew it already? Huh.. regardless, I guess it's not a surprise to God. He definitely saw it coming. ...what if I can't get my eyes off of the smaller picture in order to see the bigger picture? Because blowing it in one situation with one person would be so small in comparison.
I'm so afraid to open back up, to be really gut-wrenching honest. Being reminded of how broken I am, how much stress I cause, how negative and needy I am only adds to this fear so I retreat even more. This is all still NEW to me. Lately I feel more isolated and trapped than ever... My non-Christian friends have been more encouraging as a whole. It's no one's fault but the ability to communicate what's really going on with me just.. sucks. I'm so tired of pretending everything is fine to make people happy, to make sure I act/speak/communicate in the way that suits others in order to keep stress and conflict down. It's exhausting being an actress all the time and it's doing so much more damage than good that I feel like I'm just going backwards. I'm struggling again with things that hadn't been a problem anymore and yet somehow it's easier for me to type this into a blog and post on the internet than communicate to the people I'm closest to.
The past couple of days, a twinge of jealousy crept in when thinking about my old friends - they can be themselves and not be so bound up in themselves from having to pretend in order to keep peace and put on a good face.
God, I messed all of this up so bad. Help me forgive myself the way You can forgive me because I know that maybe if I could do that.. it wouldn't matter how anyone else continued reacting to me because I wouldn't feel so much guilt when it comes to this. I've tried to trace it back to how I got lost and it all happened in the first place but I can't and at this point, it doesn't really matter. I need You, Father.. You and I both know I don't want to walk away as tempting as it may seem, I love You way too much for that but God this is so hard and I need direction. I should've come to You in the first place but instead I tried to be a "big girl" even though we both know that never gets me anywhere... Lord, soften my heart like it was before - Break me, Lord, let's just start over.. If I could have nothing else, God, I want to start over with You..
How is it that the more I learn about following Christ and the more I dive into real community with others, I develop more and more fears that were never really a problem before? Honestly, I think all these fears are the complete opposite from what I'm supposed to be experiencing... It's for freedom that He set me free, not for fear. I don't know how to conquer my fears but I do know that I am capable of pushing through even when I am still afraid.
What if I mess up? ...or worse, what if I blew it already? Huh.. regardless, I guess it's not a surprise to God. He definitely saw it coming. ...what if I can't get my eyes off of the smaller picture in order to see the bigger picture? Because blowing it in one situation with one person would be so small in comparison.
I'm so afraid to open back up, to be really gut-wrenching honest. Being reminded of how broken I am, how much stress I cause, how negative and needy I am only adds to this fear so I retreat even more. This is all still NEW to me. Lately I feel more isolated and trapped than ever... My non-Christian friends have been more encouraging as a whole. It's no one's fault but the ability to communicate what's really going on with me just.. sucks. I'm so tired of pretending everything is fine to make people happy, to make sure I act/speak/communicate in the way that suits others in order to keep stress and conflict down. It's exhausting being an actress all the time and it's doing so much more damage than good that I feel like I'm just going backwards. I'm struggling again with things that hadn't been a problem anymore and yet somehow it's easier for me to type this into a blog and post on the internet than communicate to the people I'm closest to.
The past couple of days, a twinge of jealousy crept in when thinking about my old friends - they can be themselves and not be so bound up in themselves from having to pretend in order to keep peace and put on a good face.
God, I messed all of this up so bad. Help me forgive myself the way You can forgive me because I know that maybe if I could do that.. it wouldn't matter how anyone else continued reacting to me because I wouldn't feel so much guilt when it comes to this. I've tried to trace it back to how I got lost and it all happened in the first place but I can't and at this point, it doesn't really matter. I need You, Father.. You and I both know I don't want to walk away as tempting as it may seem, I love You way too much for that but God this is so hard and I need direction. I should've come to You in the first place but instead I tried to be a "big girl" even though we both know that never gets me anywhere... Lord, soften my heart like it was before - Break me, Lord, let's just start over.. If I could have nothing else, God, I want to start over with You..
Quicksand
I've been feeling really lost lately... Even just writing about this is really hard... Man, praying on it with my community group tonight was really hard, I almost passed because the last thing I want is a ton of attention or people thinking I'm crying out for something... I mean in a way, I am, but not anything anyone in the group can give me.
I'd love to blame it on the new work environment, and maybe that's got a bit to do with it, but it's not like it started there... I don't know where it started, but it's been a slow drift for m o n t h s.
Lately it seems the harder I try to focus on Christ, the more I'm falling behind and drifting. This past week... ugh, it's really like the Pattie that once was so crazy fired up, living for Christ, is a girl I once knew.. Lord, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of discouragement.. More like quicksand, I've been fighting to find solid land for months and I'm just barely keeping my head above the earth to breathe and it's taking all of my energy. Where is the solid ground, Lord? When is it going to stop? I'm so tired. I just want to quit... But I can't.. I can't. Because I know quitting would hurt so much worse than this... Lord, just wanting to quit hurts - I don't want to be here... Can't we just skip this part of my life? Does my life always have to be so hard? ...or is that how I got here in the first place, because I had a break for a little while?
Father, I need You so bad right now... Help me see that You're here.. You said You'll never leave me, teach me that it's true.
Father, if the quicksand is preparing me then keep me in it.. As much as is sucks I'd rather be in the quicksand, crying out for You, than anywhere without You, Lord.. I'd rather be drowning here than without You.
I'd love to blame it on the new work environment, and maybe that's got a bit to do with it, but it's not like it started there... I don't know where it started, but it's been a slow drift for m o n t h s.
Lately it seems the harder I try to focus on Christ, the more I'm falling behind and drifting. This past week... ugh, it's really like the Pattie that once was so crazy fired up, living for Christ, is a girl I once knew.. Lord, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of discouragement.. More like quicksand, I've been fighting to find solid land for months and I'm just barely keeping my head above the earth to breathe and it's taking all of my energy. Where is the solid ground, Lord? When is it going to stop? I'm so tired. I just want to quit... But I can't.. I can't. Because I know quitting would hurt so much worse than this... Lord, just wanting to quit hurts - I don't want to be here... Can't we just skip this part of my life? Does my life always have to be so hard? ...or is that how I got here in the first place, because I had a break for a little while?
Father, I need You so bad right now... Help me see that You're here.. You said You'll never leave me, teach me that it's true.
Father, if the quicksand is preparing me then keep me in it.. As much as is sucks I'd rather be in the quicksand, crying out for You, than anywhere without You, Lord.. I'd rather be drowning here than without You.
Yes, Lord
Psalm 37
Of David. 1 Do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.
12 The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.
and gnash their teeth at them;
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.
14 The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.
16 Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;
17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.
than the wealth of many wicked;
17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.
18 The blameless spend their days under the LORD’s care,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
19 In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
and their inheritance will endure forever.
19 In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
20 But the wicked will perish:
Though the LORD’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.
Though the LORD’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.
21 The wicked borrow and do not repay,
but the righteous give generously;
22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be destroyed.
but the righteous give generously;
22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be destroyed.
23 The LORD makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
25 I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
26 They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing.
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
26 They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing.
27 Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.
28 For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
then you will dwell in the land forever.
28 For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed;
the offspring of the wicked will perish.
29 The righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.
the offspring of the wicked will perish.
29 The righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.
30 The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
and their tongues speak what is just.
31 The law of their God is in their hearts;
their feet do not slip.
and their tongues speak what is just.
31 The law of their God is in their hearts;
their feet do not slip.
32 The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
intent on putting them to death;
33 but the LORD will not leave them in the power of the wicked
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
intent on putting them to death;
33 but the LORD will not leave them in the power of the wicked
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
34 Hope in the LORD
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.
35 I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
36 but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.
flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
36 but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.
37 Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
a future awaits those who seek peace.
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
there will be no future for the wicked.
a future awaits those who seek peace.
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
there will be no future for the wicked.
39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
40 The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
40 The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.
i am Jack's complete lack of surprise
News todays that I didn't get the job, after my second interview, came as a slight shock... and at the same time, not a shock at all. It was a shock in the sense that both interviews went through-the-roof amazing... Not a shock in the sense that this is the THIRD company I've had interviews with and not gotten the job (which is the only three interviews I've ever gone through and not gotten the job.. ever)... Not a shock in the sense that God delivered a message to me at Passion that this was right where He wanted me... Not a shock in the sense that, more and more, I'm getting used to things being harder and not just falling out of the sky the way I want or expect them to... Not a shock in the sense that I haven't been able to shake this feeling of restlessness again that the Lord is about to have me jump ship. He's steady preparing me and teaching me to be patient as I'm steady chomping at the bit to go already.
I guess the only part that shocked me was how qualified I knew I was for the jobs, how amazingly the interviews went... and then nothing.
Believe what you want, but I firmly believe the Lord shut those doors for me on purpose. Who knows, maybe I'll be going out on mission a lot sooner than I thought.. maybe I won't.. He knows and that's more than good enough. I'm definitely intrigued as to what He's got next.
I guess the only part that shocked me was how qualified I knew I was for the jobs, how amazingly the interviews went... and then nothing.
Believe what you want, but I firmly believe the Lord shut those doors for me on purpose. Who knows, maybe I'll be going out on mission a lot sooner than I thought.. maybe I won't.. He knows and that's more than good enough. I'm definitely intrigued as to what He's got next.
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