The past few days have been trying to say the least.. and while I don't think I've made it back up the hill by any means, I do know that God is going to carry me through this and I'll learn a lot by the time He gets me there. Even now as tired as I am, I feel like this could be an important blog for me later.
If I didn't believe in spiritual warfare before, I definitely would now.
Friday night... left me wanting to quit. Lies flooded my mind and it was all I could do to force myself to sleep. Even though my emotions and feelings lately tend to be more evident than not, I consider myself very driven and mentally strong.. Like how often I KNOW something as truth but these past few days haven't felt like it was true.. and at the same time be able to shake my head and say also that I know this isn't like me.
Saturday I found myself feeling absolutely alone... and yet thinking that I wanted to be alone... but I knew that feeling alone and wanting to be alone is never a good combination - that's the definition of wolf chow to me. I wanted to bottle it all up, pretend Friday night never happened, and move on.. but the playback it triggered in my mind of early childhood was horrible. I ended up forcing myself to go to where most of the members of our church were gathered with their children. As noisy as the house was, being surrounded by people that love me logically made more sense than.. not. I felt numb to God. I could feel myself trying to throw up a defensive wall to make an attempt at blocking God out... It wasn't His fault. God has and will never do me wrong, it's impossible.. But when you hurt, you take it out on the ones you love most, right?
Sunday there was a brief moment when I was walking out to my car when I could feel God. I soaked it up for that moment... and then felt like I was going to hurl (this whole time I've been sick - sinuses were draining so bad I literally felt sick to my stomach). Singing worship songs to God during our gathering calmed me a good deal... and a few minutes tending to a sparrow that flew into the glass door was more real and genuine than I can explain (the bird is fine.. and in a weird way I think maybe the event with the bird really was for me).
Sunday night I felt surrounded by darkness, even while sitting with my family. I felt like quitting again. So instead I went to talk with Paul and April. I've never wanted to simply be in the same room with two people and pray with them or read scripture or sing a song or.. anything to do with Jesus! April shared scripture from the old testament and then from the new.. in a couple different versions. There it was... H o p e ! And what a welcome feeling. We prayed together and I went home feeling so much better.
I would love to say at this point that Monday, I was back to my usual self. I wasn't. I usually don't dream, most nights it seems like I blink and I almost always sleep very light. The slightest noise wakes me up. Sunday night was nothing but nightmares. Monday I was back to feeling terribly alone. I tried everything I could think of to pull myself out of it but nothing was working out as planned or making things any better.. not more than 5 to 10 minutes.
Last night the nightmares were so real... I've never felt so haunted. Right at 5am, I gave up trying to rest. So I got up, got ready, and headed out to make an early start. I've prayed more in the past few days than I usually do in a couple weeks. I need Jesus now more than ever.
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