there is a lesson in everything

Same book, same purpose.. different chapter.  Tomorrow I'm moving from the grandparents' house back home to mom and Wayne's.  While it's a great relief and a blessing to be able to move back home, my heart feels heavy..

before I go off on a tangent, here's what the blog was started for:

Lessons learned so far (on a tired brain)...
1.  I want the people in my life to know without a doubt that they are loved because they are God's beloved.
2.  I want the people in my life to not only feel their worth but know how valuable they are.
3.  I need to stop talking more often and listen.
4.  I can't fix or control or reverse the aging process.
5.  My heart breaks easier than I ever thought imaginable.
6.  If I feel like I'm in control, I should prepare for a crash landing - check my heart, check my pride, am I in control?
(to be continued)

My heart feels heavy... Not because of the hurtful things my grandfather said to me, not because Seth and I are both moving to different places.. mostly because more and more I'm seeing signs of just how much my grandparents are aging.  I've never experienced someone growing old and in a way, I feel like a child going to the Father - not understanding much at all about what's happening but broken-hearted from the fact that it's happening to begin with.  Today it all sank in a little more that their minds are aging, he doesn't remember things that he says and doesn't have a clue.. She can have entire conversations with me and not remember she even saw me.. For months I've been walking on eggshells without a way to defend myself other than not let the things they say get to me (which is hard).  I'm only realizing now just how much it affected me.


ugh, so tired.. so much to blog but I need sleep more than i need to blog.

Re-Wreckless Abandon starting now

Let me give you a little back story…   Up until 2 years ago, I’d been living my life with me as the ultimate star which included drugs, alcoholism, lesbian lifestyle, parties, fights, living for adrenaline, and couldn’t care less if there was a God or not.  Then came two sudden deaths in the family and my suddenly happy life was falling apart and there wasn’t enough alcohol or conquests to be had to make it any better… That’s when I came to know Jesus as my Lord in the Crystal’s parking lot through a stranger who shared the Gospel with me.. Fast-forward a little ways and, thanks to the Lord’s healing and grace, my life looks NOTHING like any of the things it once was filled with.

For a couple months now, I’ve been praying to reconnect with God and grow.  About a year or so ago, Paul explained what he meant when he said he was proud of me – part of it being how teachable I was, and how I didn’t act like I knew everything…  Where did that girl go?  When did I start thinking that I knew everything?  Because that is the farthest thing from the truth, man I need to RUN from this and back to God.

This past week started out in heartbreak for my own foolish mistakes.  And even in the middle of my heartache of my own doing, feeling like I’d failed and deserved this punishment, Paul was there saying it’s not punishment, God is the redeemer of lost days, He works all things together for good and.. “Pattie, I believe in you.”  Wait.. what?? Hold on.. It didn’t make any sense to me at first, I was struggling to believe he was being serious. That he was just trying to make me feel better.. But I know Paul, I trust Paul… So what am I not understanding in all of this?

Galatians / Philippians.. God help me see the good in all of this, help me see it’s for the best.. and quick!

Reading Philippians, I realized that my life is so different than it was a year ago and NOT for the better. My life used to be lining up with what God’s word says, I got lost.

Galatians 4:8-16 – I’ve read Galatians so many times but this time it was like I’d just received this letter in the mail with MY name on it.. I knew what I’d been doing wrong, it just hadn’t sunk in how wrong or destructive all of it was until this very moment when God used His words to break through to me – I’ve been treating my leader like he was the ground I walked on and he never deserved it, not one moment of it, not even for a second… And yet he still believes in me.

Where I went wrong:  I decided to start leading myself, thinking I knew everything and could do it on my own. Not only did I shut my leader out but I was shutting God’s word out and getting everything twisted.. essentially, I spent the past year tearing myself down without realizing it. But who would’ve known that from the outside, right?  I mean I wasn’t smoking, I wasn’t drinking, I was being sexually pure, I wasn’t doing drugs, or getting into fights… I never stopped praying, never stopped believing or worshipping.. Stayed in community and have even been helping plant a church… So I was following all the rules… Great job! That makes me a Pharisee!  …where has my heart been?

Now more than ever, I am so thankful he is my leader and still wants to lead me.. and believes in me. I need a leader.. and I need to listen to him because I’m likely NOT right and need to learn so that I can grow.  I could mourn over the past year but No! I have so been rejoicing this week that I am a new creation and confident in my Lord who has great plans for this new chapter of my life.

So I’m taking up my cross again in the wreckless abandon style and running to Jesus.  I so don’t want my life to make sense without Him and I don’t want to be caught sleeping when He returns. I have joy in how the Lord is working it all together, I see even more how He is preparing me for greater things.. like missions in Africa.

My God's not dead, He's living on the inside... Roaring like a lion!

huge reminder from God

This past Thursday, I met up with Mark at starbucks. It was the first time I'd seen him in person since the night I accepted Christ in the Crystal's parking lot.. which was the first time I met Mark. I also got to meet his friend Rick (who brought a friend named Jimmy). We talked about God, His Grace, Jesus, and what God is going in our lives, in us, through us, and around us for four hours.

All in all, it was a huge reminder from God that he is SO reigning in my life and those around me.. that He's got big plans, that he loves me, that I am His.. how perfect I'm not and how completely okay and normal that is... how I don't HAVE to devote my life to serving Him but how much happier I will be because I am anyway..

I felt His comfort so strong.. my fears just melted. He woke me up and called me to Himself and nothing can separate that.. His love is so great, I'm struggling to wrap my mind around it. At the same time, I love Him back even more when I realize each time how much I don't deserve His love and yet He gives His love to me anyway!

I want to live a life that He might, for a single moment somewhere along the line, be proud of. Like Chan said, I so want a 'well done, good and faithful servant' when I see Him, face to face. That's the treasure I want to have in heaven. That's what I want to lay at His feet. Nothing else matters. Nothing.

Rather than be afraid of what He might have planned for my life, I'm so thankful that He has that plan! Wow, have I got SO much to pray for and look forward to! I'm so honored.. humbled to even know or have a clue to a speck of that plan.. theCity.. that alone from Him sends my hope sky rocketing!