let's start over...

My blogs always come out better in my head... lol, I think that might be what keeps me from blogging more often. That but mostly the fear of being misunderstood.  ...fear.

How is it that the more I learn about following Christ and the more I dive into real community with others, I develop more and more fears that were never really a problem before?  Honestly, I think all these fears are the complete opposite from what I'm supposed to be experiencing... It's for freedom that He set me free, not for fear.  I don't know how to conquer my fears but I do know that I am capable of pushing through even when I am still afraid.

What if I mess up?  ...or worse, what if I blew it already? Huh.. regardless, I guess it's not a surprise to God. He definitely saw it coming.  ...what if I can't get my eyes off of the smaller picture in order to see the bigger picture?  Because blowing it in one situation with one person would be so small in comparison.

I'm so afraid to open back up, to be really gut-wrenching honest. Being reminded of how broken I am, how much stress I cause, how negative and needy I am only adds to this fear so I retreat even more. This is all still NEW to me. Lately I feel more isolated and trapped than ever... My non-Christian friends have been more encouraging as a whole. It's no one's fault but the ability to communicate what's really going on with me just.. sucks. I'm so tired of pretending everything is fine to make people happy, to make sure I act/speak/communicate in the way that suits others in order to keep stress and conflict down. It's exhausting being an actress all the time and it's doing so much more damage than good that I feel like I'm just going backwards. I'm struggling again with things that hadn't been a problem anymore and yet somehow it's easier for me to type this into a blog and post on the internet than communicate to the people I'm closest to.

The past couple of days, a twinge of jealousy crept in when thinking about my old friends - they can be themselves and not be so bound up in themselves from having to pretend in order to keep peace and put on a good face.

God, I messed all of this up so bad. Help me forgive myself the way You can forgive me because I know that maybe if I could do that.. it wouldn't matter how anyone else continued reacting to me because I wouldn't feel so much guilt when it comes to this. I've tried to trace it back to how I got lost and it all happened in the first place but I can't and at this point, it doesn't really matter. I need You, Father.. You and I both know I don't want to walk away as tempting as it may seem, I love You way too much for that but God this is so hard and I need direction. I should've come to You in the first place but instead I tried to be a "big girl" even though we both know that never gets me anywhere... Lord, soften my heart like it was before - Break me, Lord, let's just start over.. If I could have nothing else, God, I want to start over with You..