Maybe writing will help..

I know this situation I'm in is only temporary, but that doesn't mean it's not still hard. I keep telling myself the Lord will come through.. But I'm still struggling.  Of course all this would go on when my older brother and younger sister both graduate from college in the same week.. Ugh, I want nothing more than to be happy for them and be proud of them because I am.. But the pressure coming from others about my own schooling didn't help. Add the stress of not having income along with no job...

I'm not willing to sacrifice my character, my values, or the well-being of our church to draw an income.  But I can't / won't blog about it in detail... as much as I want to get it all out.. It's not even about defending myself or my side. I could care less. Plus my defense is rarely seems to be taken into consideration anyway so why even bother? Really all I want to do in this situation now is pray that eyes be opened. It sucks that one man can be such a good liar that he uses his 'skill' to put a wedge in the church between two people.. or try to, at least. I hope I'm doing the right thing by saying so little... Why does every little thing have to turn into such a big deal? I don't want to know what was said against me as lies.. What would it help?

Instead here I am again. I'm so tired of people ONLY sharing crap-lies about me to people I look to for guidance.. at least that's what it seems like only gets shared.. maybe there is good stuff, too, but the good stuff never seems to make it's way back around.  Instead I end up feeling isolated because people can't just talk to me themselves.  Why not?!

FYI:  If you want to know the truth, just ask me. If I'm directly involved in the situation (any) I'll give it to you.  You really should know that about me by now, guys.

[End of rant.]

So here I am.  Struggling.  I've been praying, looking to God for help... lol, all I can think of now is maybe finally let go and cry.  I'm scared.  I don't know exactly what God's plan is.  I'm already so miserable having nothing to do every day.  I long for interaction with people!  And yet today when I had the chance, I was so discouraged from it all that all I wanted to do was go home, curl up in the fetal position, and cry... Crying doesn't solve anything but I feel better afterwords, usually, and it's free so.. it fits in the budget for now.

Lord?  ...can we just go to Africa and skip this part?  If anyone sees my encouragement laying around somewhere, please be kind enough to return it to me.

Thanks!