patience, patterns, pain & prayers

The Lord continues answering prayers.  Sometimes, more often than not, I'm not patient enough to wait for Him.. Which is silly. I know that He is faithful and trustworthy.. I KNOW that He will come through and I know that His plan for my life is far beyond my wildest dreams.. But sometimes I need that mirror, you know, someone to hold it up so I can see what's going on with me.

Like this really annoying patten I have.. To everyone else, it seems as if I just come out of no where at once with all these things that are I'm worrying, fretting, freaking-out over - like there's just that one thing that sets me off and I tack everything else with it.... Ugh, okay so here's a super honest moment that I'm hoping will help me to end this crazy cycle/pattern - It's not out of no where. The truth is I struggle constantly with trusting God. Constantly. Sometimes even when I surrender things to Him, it's like I'm still keeping my eye on what it was I gave over to Him.. why do I do this?  Is there a part of me still thinks my plan is the best one? Am I expecting God to work based on my time schedule? I don't know exactly why... But I do know that Jesus is the only one who will never let me down.  Anyway, what usually comes out as a sudden overwhelm is generally when I've reached a point where I realize that I've been holding everything in for way too long, trying to carry it all by myself, I've been failing horribly but trying to put pretty bows on all of it or stuff it into neat organized boxes so that from the outside everything looks... calm.  I can't stand that I do this.. and I've been getting to the point where I don't even really want to try to figure out who to talk to about things because there's almost no one that will just listen and not try to correct me or fuss at me or teach me something... Sometimes I just need to talk.  It's not that I'm not talking to Jesus, it's that most of the time He doesn't talk back and I'm not patient.

(There's a part of me that wants to delete that last paragraph but.. in efforts of being transparent, it stays.)

So He continues answering prayers.  Since early January, I've been having a couple symptoms. One normal (for me at least - migraines) the other completely not normal for me. It instantly caught my attention and for three months, I waited. For the first time in my life, I've prayed and PRAYED for something most women would be glad to never have to deal with again. A few weeks ago, my vision noticeably changed and, naturally, my migraines have gotten even worse. Almost everyday. (This week, it has been everyday.)  Then there was a coupon for a $50 eye exam!  So tomorrow, I'm setting up an appointment to get my eyes checked and talk to the doctor.  Hopefully, all of my symptoms are not related.. I'm hoping that new glasses will make the migraines stop. And what I'd been waiting for all year so far finally happened so, while I'm in double pain to make up for it (seems like) and my hormones are making my emotional, I'm still praising the Lord for answered prayers.

I forget where I was going with this post... ha! Oh well - Jesus is trustworthy, I have to slow down and put my faith actively in Him and Him alone.