Sunday was the 2nd anniversary of Tod's death. I didn't expect it to hit me this hard at all.. especially not half way through the week. I've filled my days as much as I possibly can only to realize I'm only prolonging facing what's really going on. And causing others to worry and stumble spiritually.. and then get frustrated with them.
I felt stupid for even being this upset about a death that was two years ago.. until tonight at the park. I was so worn out that I just wanted to go home. Instead, Ryan & I went and laid in the grass and stared up at the stars. We talked for a few minutes and then I realized that I was doing EXACTLY what I did two years ago (before I knew God). I was laying down outside, staring up at the stars fighting back the pain of losing someone I loved so much.. and I realized that I'd never let myself grieve or show any emotion for it. Did Tod even know God? Where is Tod? I can't make an exception (mentally) simply because I love him.. so out there in the grass I just... cried. I spent an amazing 5 minutes with God as I just cried.. I felt His comfort wash over me. Not like an 'everything is ok' comfort.. but His love for my breaking heart.. I so love God for that, I'm so thankful that I can pour my heart out to Him and feel His love through all of my trouble and worries.
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