No Room for Avoidance

A couple days ago, the subject of counseling came into conversation.. namely me going to counseling. The thought of it makes me want to run and hide. I know it will be good for me, healing and help me grow as a leader, but I'm honestly terrified. I know it wont be anything like what I went through in high school, but.. I'm scared.

I made up my mind that counseling probably is what I need when my initial reaction/thought was "it's not worth the money"... i quickly realized that the It i was talking about was me.. i was telling myself i wasn't worth counseling. W. O. W. Thats a problem.

Problem - I don't want to have to deal with this...
Truth - I'm dealing with it everyday.

Problem - everything I've got in me is screaming at me to run! Especially from the one that wants me to go to counseling & knows it will help..
Truth - I don't have any room for avoidance anymore. I don't have a choice. And honestly, who would let me go into hiding?

I feel like I'm in the middle of an intersection right now.. I know which way I need to go but I can't get my car in gear to go yet..

Some days, like today when I'm really having to convince myself to go through this, I feel like I'm only going in reverse.. back to stuff I thought I'd already gotten thru like.. This whole thing just really sucks. Why me? Why did it have to happen to me? I don't want to even have this problem to begin with.. I didn't ask for this, i certainly didn't want it.. and i feel like I'm just burdening everyone by having to deal with it at all.. Why did i keep it a secret for so many years? And that's when i realize all over again that I'm blaming myself and ashamed.. when i shouldn't be. And yes it sucks that this happened but i can't change the fact that it happened & I'm not in heaven yet either (tho that would be so much easier)... i know that God will use this for good, and that I'm not the only one that this has happened to..
I'm just scared.. what is it like to not have the issues of abuse weighing on you? I realized today that I have no clue what that freedom feels like.. and also realized that it breaks my heart to know that I'm terrified to get there. It doesn't even make sense! Why would anyone be terrified of freedom?!

So I got my hair cut and curled today to make myself feel better & temporarily distract myself. It worked for a little while...

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