"Why do you want Him?"

(wrote this in my journal while reading in Forgotten God)

Finding myself in enough pain Saturday that I couldn't breathe and in the ER helped me to grow even more. At first, it was so much pain, I prayed God would take me already... then I decided to go to the hospital because I wasn't ready to go to heaven. This is not saying that I don't think I am going to heaven or even that I don't want to. What I am saying is that I finally WANT to be here. I CARE about why I am here.

I don't want to go to heaven yet because there are still so many people who are not going. There are people that I love and care about and some I have just met who are not going. Yet. But its like brother Steve said today (sunday): the season for harvesting will pass - once we are in heaven, we will never be able to share our love for & from God and bear witness ever again.

Ending up in the hospital made me realize how fragile I am... and how NOT focused on Jesus I was becoming. I could use being sick for the past week as an excuse but I won't. What if Saturday really had been it for me?

What would I say to Jesus about my life?
About my last week?
About my last night?

It's not that I had fallen away or anything drastic but at the same time... doesn't it all start with one distraction?

I've been blessed by God's love, my heart beats for Him. I find that I love random people more and more as I focus on His love... with that I can't just continue to sit back and not somehow figure out how to encourage and inspire others my age to SEE God's love, to long for it and accept that He is for them! If I can't do that then why am I here at all?