Trading Addictions

Friday, I found myself out of cigarettes and honestly was tired of buying them. I'd been thinking about quitting smoking (tried a couple times before) but never really stayed committed to quitting. But it was different before. Before, my reasons for wanting to quit weren't rock solid, they weren't really anything I can remember even to this point.

My reasons now hardly include health. I mean, yeah, smoking causes cancer, heart problems, lung problems, decreases oxygen levels in your blood, etc. But I knew all of that BEFORE I ever started smoking and still chose to smoke so those reasons alone would never be reason enough for me to quit. I chose to quit this time because I want to be closer to God. I want that so bad that I know I can overcome this addiction.

I'm not saying that I believe anyone who smokes can never be close to God. No, I'm not saying that at all. This is a specific thing concerning me. I don't make much money where I work and something Bro. Steve said a Sunday or so ago was that God has blessed us with the money that we do have... I took that home and it stuck with me. It is a blessing and I'm just sending it up in smoke. I feel like what I'd been saying to God was "Thanks for this money, God! Now I'm going to go waste it on something totally meaningless that I will light on fire over and over and over and over again!" ... And then always run into the same problem: I don't make "enough" money.

Recently, I've wanted to do greater things with my money than light it on fire. Like start a bank account for Passion 2011! Sponser a child through Compassion International! And, I don't know, maybe be able to stop feeling like I never have money. Since I am committed to no longer smoking, I've already signed up to sponser a child in Honduras! Yay!

At the same time that it hasn't been easy so far, I know that this is something I want with all my heart. And I know that it will get easier. There's no certain crutch I've found, no special gum, no special item to hold in my hand, nothing to keep handy to put in my mouth.. NOTHING that will FULLY make the transition from an Addiction to Cigarettes to an Addition to JESUS super smooth, quick, and easy. But I do know that if the want, desire, and need to amplify my addiction to Jesus was missing, I wouldn't be able to kick the cigarettes. I could smoke for the next ten years if that need wasn't there and not care at all. But it IS there and I can't ignore it.

I've been in a LOT of prayer over the past few days and I'm sure it will be a couple weeks. And though I've been pretty crabby throughout each day and lacking in sleep and right now simply wanting to find a dark place to curl up in and cry, I know my God is with me and will never leave me. He knows my heart in this just as he knows everything else. God will use my struggles, my mistakes, my success and failures all for His glory. I praise Him always and finally FEEL like I'm showing (even if just a little better) how truly thankful I am to God for every breath I take.