Potential.

The past week has been a struggle. Today, it all came to a head. In a learning way.

I struggle a lot with feeling like I've failed, fallen short, messed up, etc. Sometimes it is more than a feeling, sometimes it is true. But then there are times, like now, when it isn't and I still struggle with feeling this way.. as if it was my fault the way things turned out.. as if the way things turned out were horrible.. when really, the result isn't horrible it just isn't the nice, easy, beautiful result that I had pictured.

What would we learn if there weren't bumps in the road? If the results always came as expected and when expected, how would we grow? Often I forget that it isn't the quick perfect result that I really desire, or even the lessons I will learn out of harder paths.. but it is the Lord's plan and results that I desire.

His plans are far greater and usually cause tremendous growth. His plans don't end so the result is something we definitely will not see tomorrow or the end of the semester.. He doesn't have an evaluation survey or annual report.. and nothing surprises Him along the way.

Essentially, I can rest in Him because He is in control of it all. That includes my own plans and their results, no matter how hard I try to obtain certain results, I need to rest in the results knowing I have done my best, in His name, and that the results may just be how He planned them. Lord knows I can't force anyone else to grow, no matter how much energy, time, and devotion I give them.. I think it is just taking a bit longer for me to grasp that. And even when I do understand, my heart still breaks for those I'm leading when they seem to run not only back to the starting line, but sometimes further.

Today, I poured out to a woman I look up to how it breaks my heart when its the end of your time with a person you've been leading that you see so much potential in them and know what great things they are capable of... and they never see it in themselves or believe in themselves the way I do... She smiled, teared-up with me, and replied, "And that is only the beginning, a tiny tiny glimpse, of how God feels about us."

I know that when I feel overwhelmed by what's on my plate, God is about to grow me. He never leaves me here, He knows my potential and what I am capable of even though I don't. I'm so thankful that my time for the Lord to lead me won't end.. I'm so thankful that He grows and pushes me to greater potential.. and I'm most thankful that He is the One in control.